I have not yet met my son's future autistic 8yo stepson. How should I handle our first meeting? And later?

Question

WHOA! From some of your answers, I need to clarify... I haven't met son's future wife or her child, only 'cause we live a few hrs away, work alot & haven't been able to arrange a time when ALL are available... NOT because I don't want to. And certainly not because her boy is autistic! And I asked this question, NOT because I'm worried about myself, but because I've been research & have seen a couple kids in public with this disorder & want to make things easier for HIM... don't want to invade his space, or make him uncomfortable. I just thought if others had experience with kids with autism, they could give me some tips on what (or what not) to say or do, or what to expect. I'd like him to accept me too... didn't want to freighten him in any way, as I hear some kids with autism don't like to be touched or some may not understand what you say, or may be nervous around bright colors or loud voices. Are these things true? I just want to do what's right, & to make him comfortable around me

Answer 1

Dr Gutstein described the difference between nuerotypical development and autistic developments by comparing the children as little social scientist. Both try to gain information about the world they live in.

The NT child observes his surrounding and the people in it. They interact with him and people are the most interesting thing he experiences. He sees people come together and seperate. They talk, shake hands, hug, etc. He takes all this in. He is constantly gathering information of some type. For this little scientist, success is acheived when he experiences something new and different.

For the autistic child it is very different. In many cases he has regressed. Consider how scary it would be if you lost your ability to function at your previous level. This little scientist likely has some hypersensitivity issues. He is still trying to aquire information about his world. However due to his sensory problems, his world may be extremely chaotic. To you or I it may be normal, but not for him. Now consider what you would do if your world were full of distractions. You would try to shut them out. Eventually you would get pretty good at it. Your attention would be focused on obfects that you could control. To you success would be when you can repeat the same action in a predictable manner. Your sensory problems would cause you to want to only go into familiar environments. New rooms or people or activities would be thought of as potentially painful. You would naturally try to avoid new things.

So the behavior of the autistic child is maybe not so bizarre after all. You and your son can help by letting your grandson know in advance what is going to happen. Find something that he really likes (I'll guess dinosaurs or trains) and have some there for him. Maybe a movie about these. Don't push him right now. Let him become comfortable around you. Remember he may be very sensitive in some ways. Sight, touch, taste, smell, hearing, vestibular, hot/cold,proprioceptive. For now, your goal should just be to get accepted into his world. When my son was two I did this by handing him legos forever. He always wanted them, but he could only get them through me or his mother. I would put them on my nose or on top of my glasses or in my mouth. He would take them. We used this passive activity for some time. Obviously an 8 yr old is likely more developed than a 2 yr old. Still if he begins to associate you with something very possitive he will be more receptive.
Ten yrs ago we thought it was the end of the world. Now we see it as a blessing in disguise.

Answer 2

Well, I'd just talk to your son about it. There are many different degrees of autism. You may not need to be prepared for anything any different from a "normal" 8 year old.

I'd discuss it with your son. Let him know that you're apprehensive, and ask him to tell you what exactly to expect, and ask if there's anything in particular you can do (or not to do) to make the meeting easier.

Otherwise, I'd say, just be yourself. Be welcoming to him and his mother. Congratulations to your son and his new family, and you too!

Edited to add:

I've just read your additional details, and wanted to clarify, incase anything I said sounded critical, it wasn't my intention. I took the situation to be exactly as you have described it (my family live on the other side of the planet - not everyone lives close to their kids) and assumed you were asking to make the meeting easier, not because you're insensitive or anything. If you were insensitive, you wouldn't be asking the question, IMHO.

Anyway, I wanted to add that yes, you are correct about the conditions you've raised. Some kids with autism are upset by bright colours, sudden or fast movements, and especially loud noises (that one in particular is very common). But as I said before, there are really as many degrees as there are kids with the disorder. I worked day care years ago, and I remember one kid that used to attend with a carer, and I never understood why he had the carer, because he seemed completely "normal" to me (until one day when we were on a day trip and a loud noise startled him, and he freaked out). I've also known autistic kids who couldn't function at all without a carer. So you really need to ask what the situation is, and what you can do to make it easier. I'm sure you're son and his fiancee won't be offended by your asking. At least they'll know you care. Heck, my dad asked about what gift to bring, and my step-son's interests when he met him for the first time, and there were no extra circumstances there.

Answer 3

Please educate yourself about autism; the causes, effects and other details about this condition. The first part of understanding another person's point of view is learning about what life is like from their perspective. I'm not sure why you think meeting an autistic child would be any different than meeting any 8 year old child for the first time. However, the best way to prepare yourself is to learn to overcome whatever inhibitions you have because of preconceived notions of what you think he will be like. Surely, you trust in your own judgment as a parent and you've raised your son. He has met a women he apparently cares for deeply and is willing to accept her child into his life. The best gift you can give him, her and her son is the gift of kindness. I wish you and your new growing family well.

Answer 4

How to handle.... Um, treat the boy like a person. He's autistic not an animal. Autistic kids aren't stupid; they're just... different; I've met a few. Some of them repeat things, or they play a lot, or they just won't talk sometimes; they're people just like you and me, damn it. So just calm down. It's not a big deal. It doesn't make him subhuman. If anything, it makes him above human--above the human pettiness--in his own world, not stuck, but just in his own world, and if he lets you in, good for you, congratulations on your new grandson.

Answer 5

Wait, what? You have not met your 8 year old stepson. Why? did you have problems with your son or the fact that your grandson is autistic?
Whatever the answer to that question is, I would ask my son (and his wife/g.f.) what his son likes. What toy or thing interests him so that when I go meet this one for the first time, I can indulge with him this activity and just enjoy being a grandparent!

Answer 6

Just say "hi" and if he doesn't want to talk, leave it. And understand that they like to have their own space. Intruding into an autistic person's private space is worse than just rudeness.

Answer 7

oh so now uer not calling uer son nieave and u now care to meet uer 8 yr old autistic grandson? wow ... i dunno what to think of u,but this kid is kid like any other give him love and lotsa hugs and kisses i know an autistic boy hes 11 or so and hes the sweetest boy ever just have to be more patient wth him. and yes i do know what im talking about. goodluck wth everything and stop being soo paranoid.

Answer 8

Take it slow and let him warm up to you. Good luck and congrats on your new grandchild.

Answer 9

be nice and be friendly ( obviously )
read him a book and get him involved with and activity

Answer 10

the same as you would for anyone else. he is still a person no matter what is wrong with him!!