If you found out your husband molested a girl 20 years ago, would you leave him?

Question

This happened to my sister. She found out that her husband molested me when I used to babysit for them. I was 13, he was in his 30's. She has made excuses for him, such as "He is from a different culture, they treated women differently where he is from". and "You didn't look 13. You looked older". She is very upset with me......not him. I go around feeling guilty constantly. I have nightmares every night. She accuses me of wanting her to leave him, which I have never told her to do. I just don't want to be around him. But, when I tell people about this, I get the same reaction. People are shocked that she has stayed with him. What would you do?

Answer 1

Absolutley! Anyone who can do that to a 13 yr old child is a pervert and a very sick person! I personally could not stay married to someone like that.

Answer 2

I would not stay with someone who did that it is not your fault at all you should never feel guilty you did nothing wrong at all.You were just a child he should have known better.just because you looked older or dressed older i just a excuse on his part and just because he is from another culture means nothing he should have known better period and it must be hard on you because it is your sister and you love her very much but I think deep in her heart she knows he is wrong always was and she just does not want to admit it because she knows the truth people can be like that when they do not want to hear the truth.You have every right to not want to be around him and she should respect you for that but she should leave him but if she doesn't then stay clear of him for yourself and talk to someone in your area or 1800 hot line because you have nightmares you need to talk to some one to feel safe.God Bless good luck ,take care you are strong you can do this.

Answer 3

It's very likely he has molested other young girls...they can't stop at just one. That's the problem with sex offenders...they really can't be cured (with very rare exceptions)...the recidivism rate is SOOOO high in sex offenders...chances are...your sister had been living in denial for a long time...maybe long before he molested you...you are probably the only one who has ever confronted her about it and she can't handle it.

Perhaps most women do leave-but unfortunately, many do not. Sex offenders tend to marry 'weak' women that are very easy to manipulate...and I hate making judgments about a family member...but her denial has made her character weak...I think it would take every ounce of my being not to beat the snot out of her for the things she said-basically implying it was your fault. When people do that to someone who has been sexually abused-it just makes me want to spit nails. It's like being raped all over again...ya know.

I think you are handling the situation very well...you are not demanding her to leave her husband...that's between her and him...but I think you need to step it up a notch...if she is not going to let you see her without him around...then you may just have to stop seeing her at all. Healing cannot take place when you are around someone who blames you for the abuse.

You know, seeing a counselor is really helpful...especially if you are having nightmares. It's nice to have someone to talk to and you don't have to maintain 'tact'...you can just tell the counselor exactly what you think of whoever! That helps a lot. Even if you don't want to talk about the abuse at first, your counselor can give you excercises and habits that will help you sleep better and cope with things daily.

I had a friend that was abused, and she wrote all her experiences down in a journal...it took awhile and it hurt really bad....but eventually she did it...then she put it on a shelf and quit thinking about it. She didn't feel like she had to dwell on it anymore because the memories were written down.

I hope the family thing gets all worked out...but if she hasn't left by now, she probably never will...and she will justify her decision to stay by telling herself (and you) that it is the victim's fault for her husband's actions.

PS...how old are you? Is it too late to press charges? This would be very difficult for you and your sister will probably hate you...but my mom always told me that the right thing to do is usually the hardest.

Answer 4

If I found out my husband molested my sister I'd kill him. Blood is thicker than water and she should stand by you. If he's the kind of person to do such a thing whos to say he won't do it again. I'd be afraid he might do that to our children. He was a married man and you were a little girl (needless to say a part of his family...he should have been protecting you)...there are NO excuses!!!

Answer 5

That was a long time ago and You need to put it in the past. What you can do is watch for signs He may still be molesting children. Once most men start that stuff they continue until caught. The older they get the more they want to get fresh meat that they can control.Her defense of his actions only shows how easily He can do it again. Denial of reality is common and You need to understand She lacks the strength to leave him.

Answer 6

Do your parents know that this happened? Did your sister know from the beginning that this was happening?
You need to contact some sort of Law Enforcement Official, and tell them what happened, for if this man did this to you, he may possibly be doing it to his own children and you definitely have an obligation to report it.
Whether your sister leaves him or not is not your problem. You need to get help with dealing with this as it obviously is still hard for you to deal with. Take care of you, and any nieces or nephews that you have. Make people aware of what happened...don't hide it. You are not to blame!!!!
It makes no difference where he is from...no one deserves treatment like this, and I feel sorry for you that you had to go through this...but start the healing now! Help out the other possible victims of this man. Don't force them to go through years of silent torture as you did.
Good Luck Sweetheart!!
I'm here if you need to talk more.

Answer 7

Yes, I would leave him!!! There is no excuse for what he has done.
But I think that your sister just don't want to realize that this really happened. Leaving him would mean admitting that it happened, would mean admitting that the man she spent so many years with is not the man she thought him to be.
Perhaps it is even harder for her, because she certainly loves you and she just can't admit that the man she lives with was capable to do such a thing to you without her noticing ...

Answer 8

U should realize first off that none of this is your fault at all and if u r still having mental issues about it c a therapist if u cannot afford 1 there r programs that u can contact that will make sure u get the proper help as far as my sister and her husband I would leave them alone. Who cares what happens 2 them if u bring this up they dint care about u your sister is n denial that her husband is guilty of this that's why she blames u , get help and help yourself forget them /

Answer 9

Charges should of been brought up against that pedophile and his worthless butt jailed. As for your sister, tell her it doesnt mean he has a right to do it even if he is from another culture, because he is suppose to obey the laws where he is now and he broke a law by molesting you. Your sister isnt being to smart and she also can be held and charges for being an accessory of the molesting.

Answer 10

Leave him!!!!!!!!!!! There are two types of people I am very strongly against....Rapists and child molestors. There is absolutely NO justification for such sick and immoral acts...I pray that she gets out a.s.a.p. And I pray even more that they don't have children together and if they do that he doesn't do the same thing to them. Anyone ever touched my child in that manner I don't know exactly what I'd do but it wouldn't be good.

Answer 11

Your sister is obviously upset that her marriage is damaged by this claim. She is making excuses for him and not facing the truth, culture has nothing to do with it abuse is abuse and he knew what he is doing and you are probably not the first, what is to stop him from molesting his own kids if they have any, if you have not received help already do so, you have nothing to feel guilty about you are very brave for doing what you are doing, you should talk to your family about it if they are open to hear you. every one in your family needs to know what kind of creep he is like I said you are probably not the first.