I'm getting married in September and my mom is paying for the rehearsal dinner. The groom's family is from out of state and they never offered. My mom is all bitter because it took out of the wedding budget.
Also, as a result, we can't invite many out of town guests.. only the wedding party and my fiance's immediate family. I know that my fiance's family can't afford to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but I see my mom's point--they could have at least said something, because now we have to arrange it all last minute.
What is the best way to handle the situation? What do I say to out of state guests who ask about it but are not invited? What do I say to my mom? Should I say anything about it to my fiance's family? I do not want to make them feel bad, but I am afraid my mom should say something.
2006-07-23 04:33:24 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
To clarify: my fiance is not in the dark about this at all--he knows everything. I don't keep secrets from him! Both of us do not want to make his family feel bad.
We are paying for other aspects of the wedding: our own rings, travel expenses, wedding night in a hotel, items for the ceremony, attendants gifts, (most of which we should be expected to pay for), wreaths for the bridesmaids' hair (it's a renaissance wedding) on a very limited income. I lost a high paying job last year and our families understand that we are also about to commit to an apartment.
It's not that I don't want to hear 'look in the mirror' as an answer to things, it's just that it's not the right answer here. I'm looking for suggestions to avoid conflict and to mediate between the others. My fiance and I offered to finance the rehearsal dinner on a loan or credit card to avoid conflict.
2006-07-23 05:29:01 · update #1
My guess is that his family was embarrassed that they couldn't afford it. It's fairly common knowledge that the groom's family pays for the meal. This leaves you in a tough situation, you could mention it to them, and risk alienating them or causing the embarrassment they were trying to avoid. If your fiance says something, they might resent you for it.
So you have a choice between two -
let it slide, have your fiance apologize to your mother and hope it doesn't cause a rift between the two families for years. If you and your mom can overlook it, it probably won't, if it's going to gnaw at you or her it probably will.
The other option is honesty, it's painful to sit through but starting with how other people are hurt would be better than starting with how they hurt you. Ex. You and your fiance - "My mother was hurt that you didn't want to participate in the rehearsal dinner", "I'm concerned there may be ill feelings down the road and I want to avoid that" as opposed to "Why are you being cheap?"
It's unfortunate that they didn't even mention it, as it puts you and your fiance in an awkward spot. If you can get past it, ask your mom if she can. If you can't - the worst thing - a family rift - will have already happened, so you would have nothing to lose by the honesty approach.
Good luck, sounds like a tricky situation. Best wishes on happy wedding and your lives together.
2006-07-23 06:32:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I really don't think you should say anything to your fiance's family at all. I totally agree with your mom that if they could not afford/did not plan to host the rehearsal dinner, they certainly should have said something. However, since traditionally it is up to the bride's family to pay for the wedding, your mom should probably have called HIS mom once she realized that she had not heard about any plans for rehearsal dinner from them. Unfortunately, she did not ask them about it when it should have become a concern and now you are in this predicament. There is simply nothing you can do about this awkwardness at this time without hurting your fiance's family's feelings. The two moms should just have coordinated this much better. And it definitely IS traditional for the groom's family to do the rehearsal dinner. But never mind that now. As far as how this has affected the budget for the wedding, I think you simply have to tell the truth...that you are only planning to have a small wedding....immediate family only. And of course you must be careful NOT to exclude SOME friends if you plan to INVITE others...know what I mean? Too bad you have to play politics with your wedding, but there it is. Your only other alternative, is to speak to your fiance and say that with the budget now being tight, you obviously CAN'T invite everyone as planned and let him take it from there. Even if his folks can't afford the rehearsal dinner, I think they can afford SOMETHING. And if the two of YOU can contribute anything on your own, you should certainly do so.
2006-07-23 11:51:45 · answer #2 · answered by ami 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps the person you should be looking at is in the mirror.
Have you and your husband to be ever considered paying a large portion of the rehersal dinner to take some of the burden off of your parents? Weddings always tend to bring out a false sense of entitlement for some.
2006-07-23 12:18:23 · answer #3 · answered by treday25 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could have oppted for a cheaper rehursal dinner..say a BBQ or gone to a buffet. There is nothing wrong with doing something cheaper so everyone could be involved. Im sure all the guest would have been happier just being there then have a fancy dinner. Its not too late to go that route either!
P.S you could always ask them to pay for half or a certain % of the final cost....
2006-07-23 12:09:08 · answer #4 · answered by tweedy778 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Another thing you can do is find out what the groom's family wants to contribute to the wedding. It is normal to be embarrassed about finances, especially when it comes to something as important as your child's wedding. If they don't have anything in mind, present it to your future in laws as "Your son and I want to make you a part of our big day." It doesn't have to be about money. His parents could offer to play a bigger role than usual in helping out with preparing for the event. Anything from writing addresses, making place cards, setting up tables, greeting out of town guests, or anything that will make them a bigger part, not cost a lot to them, and save you and your family time and or money.
2006-07-23 12:56:17 · answer #5 · answered by Dalmata 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why do you complicate things?, i did my wedding on a tight budget too, and some things you just have to close your eyes and avoid them, eg.... the rehearsal dinner, you can rehearse and dont eat or drink, and if so then a cheap one, for us we paid for the wedding expenses only, the hotel reception.
2006-07-23 13:17:46 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
To avert all of this drama, that should have all be outlined ahead of time - with both families. Why are you leaving things up to your mom? If you are mature enough to marry, you should be handling these things, and not be afraid of anything....
2006-07-23 12:05:01 · answer #7 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why dont you talk to your fiancee about it ? that way you both know whats going on .. and you dont drive yourself crazy ? Its easier for him to talk to his family about the rehersal dinner that you bring it up infront of his parents .. just make your fiancee aware of whats going on, or he wont know ... maybe its not in the grooms family to have a rehersal dinner, or it might of just slipped their mind ..
2006-07-23 11:44:35 · answer #8 · answered by wannafren 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where is the groom? It is groom's family and it is their responsibility. If they cannot afford it, then don't have it.
2006-07-23 11:38:38 · answer #9 · answered by J. 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋