Should I clean my daughter's messy room? Shes spending 2 weeks with her obsessively neat dad. She's 8?

Question

She's supposed to keep it neat herself, of course, but left it trashed. Last time she did this I made the bed and picked up and washed laundry but didn't touch the books/toys/craft supplies that were all over the place, and she seemed hurt when she came back and it was still messy. Her dad, my ex-husband, is obsessively neat and tells the children all the time that I'm a slob, so I don't want to reinforce that idea in her head, but I also don't want her to think I'm her servant, and for her to learn to be responsible for her things. But again, I want her to know how much I love her and missed her. And I bought her a lava lamp while she was gone, and it would look really neat in a freshly-cleaned room (or should I help her clean the room when she gets back and then surprise her with the lamp as a reward?)

Answer 1

You should absolutely not clean the room yourself! This will continue to show her that you are her maid. And she won't learn a thing. Buying her a lava lamp is a wonderful idea, it will show her that you missed her while she was gone. When she gets back - tell her that you'll help her figure out how to have her room look better, and be cleaned up easier.

Have her pick up the stuff that can easily be put away - dirty clothes, clean clothes piles, magazines & books, toys that for sure have a designated spot. After that, help her get organized. I bought long flat rubbermaid buckets that my girls have their dolls in - sorted by brand name. They fit wonderfullly under their bunkbed, and on their closet shelves. We also bought a lovely wicker "treasure chest" to put all of their AGT stuff in - I found it at a rummage sale for $10 - but any old box or toy box will do really.

My girls' room is the hardest room to keep clean in the entire house, and I also have 3 boys! Girls are just naturally messier. I've just found that for the majority of their messes, they have to do it themselves. Once it got to the organization part, I helped them - and we worked together to figure out a system. And besides, I can't tell one doll shoe from another. While doing this, we also figure out what toys are broken, missing pieces, no longer wanted, etc.

I also set ground rules, they cannot take out something until they've put away something else. And if the rules arent applied, whatever I see on the floor the next morning, I'll assume that they don't want it anymore and will get rid of it for them. We spent an entire day redoing their room, and they weren't allowed to go anywhere else until it was done. But, I did make it fun and they were rewarded with a new carpet - not to mention more friends who were more willing to come over!

Don't worry about your ex. If he comments, just remind him & her all the other wonderful ways your daughter takes after you. I have learned that ex's will find something to complain about, no matter what.

Answer 2

Mess has several contributing factors:
- to many "things"
- too little space
- not taking care of things

I cant change the available space, I have my rent budget and its fixed. I can change the too many things, and not caring for the things she has by taking everything left out. When she comes back let her earn her stuff back with chores and by also keeping her room clean to show that she doesn't have too much stuff.

Its a bad dynamic with you and dad competing. I'm sorry that happened to your little girl. I wish it didn't have to, and probably so do you and so does her dad.

You aren't going to win. Competing parents like this is like global thermonuclear warfare, the only way to win is not to play the game. A child needs consistency in expectations, and there are many circumstances where the healthiest thing for a parent to say to a child is "no" but the competition puts pressure on you, in the hopes of winning, or being her friend for you to say yes. When you say yes, you hurt her. You know that.

Every parent is put in the place where they have to choose between being the parent/ adviser/ guide/ coach/ trainer/ teacher/ or being none of those, and being liked by the child. That happens with families where the parents work together, much more where it doesn't.

Be excellent, and wait for her to be 24. When she is over the madness of teens, and she is a maturing adult considering what it is to be an adult, then give her the kinds of clear things so she can look back at what you did and admire you, and you earn her respect. Be the kind of person so that as an adult she will say "I hope to be half the quality of mother that my mother was to me."

With that vision, evaluate the little and big things that you want to do.

Oh, and theres a book called "the five love languages of children", you might want to read it. If she isn't a gifts person, and you are, then she cant receive the lava-lamp as a loving act on your part. If she is quality time, and her dad gives her quality time and you give her stuff, she will feel loved by her dad, and that you are very distant and unloving.

Answer 3

I would give the lamp as a present once the room was clean. Not as a reward, though. You don't want her to think you'll buy her something every time she cleans her room. The reward IS the clean room.
You can tell her that you bought the lava lamp for her, but it will only look nice in the clean room. Then you can clean it together. While you're cleaning, give her tips on upkeep of them room, and let her know you expect her to do it on her own next time.

Answer 4

Don't clean her room... I have some friends that still have their mothers making their beds even though they're over 20... If you don't like seeing the mess, shut the door, that's what my mother did when she saw I always left my room in a mess knowing she'll clean it... She hasn't cleaned my room since I was about your daughter's age, and now, I would be really offended if she would do so, it's my private space and she has no business in it while I;m away... Maybe that's not the best solution, but it worked with me...

Help her clean the room, and give her the lamp not as a reward, but as a sign that you care about her and love her!

Answer 5

Seriously, first if it is her job to keep it clean, Every Saturday morning have her keep it clean. And I don't mean clothes, I mean EVERYTHING including under the bed, the closet, making up the bed and vacuuming. I'm no neat freak, I'm not even neat. But if it is your child's chore to be neat then YOU have to enforce it. We have a rule that ours try to keep things neat. So the way it works is IF you want to have a friend over that room better meet my neat standard. If you want to take a trip somewhere for more than 1 night your room better pass my net standard or you don't get to go. Even if it is court ordered, before she gets to eat the night before she leaves the room has to be clean. It is o k if you do this, you are trying to raise a responsible person.

Answer 6

You should make her clean it, she will never learn if you always do everything for her. If she needs help then help her but dont do it for her. Using the lava lamp as a reward is a good idea, just dont get into the habit of bargaining with her to do her chores it never works out when people do that.

Answer 7

When she comes home tell her she can't come out until its clean. You are her mother not her maid. Give her the lava lamp AFTER she has cleaned the room BY HERSELF. If you want to show her that you missed her while she was gone a card will be nice. She has to learn how to clean up after herself or she will never do it.
Trust me I watch my sister boss my mother around.

Answer 8

I wouldn't clean her room. It's her job and if you continue to do it, she'll expect you to continue to do it. Give her the lava lamp and tell her you love her but don't clean her room. As parents it's our job to prepare them for the future. Do you intend to clean her dorm when she's in college or her house when she gets married. Teach her now that her things are her responsibility. Good luck.

Btw....your ex-spouse is a jerk for saying ANYTHING negative about you to the children. It's the job of a parent to make the child feel loved and safe and not upped in their own value by denegrating the other guardian. They're not his drinking buddies, they're his children and they love you and are invested in their view of you.

Answer 9

that's awful that your ex is telling your children those things.

I say do her laundry, because you'd probably do that anyway, right? and then when she gets back help her pick up her room and surprise her with the lava lamp. :D then maybe take her out shopping and let her pick out her own hamper and trash can if she doesn't have them already. since it sounds like she likes crafts, maybe you can find things she can decorate and paint to make her very own.

Answer 10

yes my mom done that for my sister when she went to texas with her friend to visit her friends family. she bought her a new bed in the bag and a rug to match shes cleaned her room really nice put up some posters in frames .she did a really nice job my sister came back and opened her door its was such a surprise ! and she did keep her room up too cause it looked so nice. try it maybe it will work good luck!