What can you do about someone who can't put the past behind them?

Question

Two years ago, my boyfriend was hanging out a lot with a girl who just wanted to be "friends with benefits." They were never even that, she used to play games and disrespect him, and never were officially girlfriend and boyfriend. He was so hurt by this girl that we can't even chill at the same places they were together at without him becoming anxious. He claims he is no longer in touch with her, but she occasionally tries to call him, perhaps to trigger his feelings again? He's always honest when she calls, and doesn't answer the phone. Lately, he's been talking about her again, and I told him not to because it's the past. Than if he doesn't mention her name, he talks about other things connected to her. My boyfriend tells me all the time how much he cares about me, and how he likes me because I'm not mean (like she was). But, I don't want our dates together to be about HER. I want them to be about US.

We did have some time to ourselves for about a month, and he called her during this time. This was four months ago. He claims he hasn't called her since and it was a stupid mistake. They talked for a while, but did not see each other. Now, she's called (as far as I know) twice, both when we were out on a date together. I don't know why this girl cannot get a life. The girl is a party-goer, as my boyfriend was never this way. She is almost due with a child in September, but it is not his baby, as they were not together (he says) when it was conceived, and she was so ridiculing that she never turned him on fully (all his words). The father of the baby, my boyfriend says, is a truck driver and she is no longer with him. If my boyfriend is telling the truth, my judgement is that she is just calling him to reinforce his obsession about her again. He never told her he has a girlfriend, and I'm not sure if it is a good idea if he talks to her because she is very manipulative.

Today, I confronted him about all of this. He got nervous, and began to make the date sour. Something doesn't feel right, and he needs his "space" again. I've had it up to "here" with this situation, and it's to the point where I'm not sure if he subconsiously enjoys the suffering this other girl put him through. He informed me that she did call him more times during last week. What gives? The closer that baby is due, the more she calls, it seems. I'm getting the feeling that I don't want to put up with this anymore, because I'm not sure what the truth is.

Answer 1

First off tell him how you feel. He will never know these feeling if you don't share them with him. He may continue to slip and bring her into your conversations at that point just remind him how you feel. After a few times of you reminding him of your feelings on this subject he will either change or he wont. Then it is up to you to decide whether this relationship is really worth it too you to continue. Hope this helps.

Answer 2

I think maybe you should let this guy have sometime by his self to figure out who he wants. I mean there is no reason why you should get your feeling hurt everyday while he is drifting on a memory. You deserve to be with someone who is going to treat you right. Sit down and talk to him and ask him how would he feel if you brought up old boyfriends? I wish you luck and always remember more fish in the sea.

Answer 3

You need to give him an ultimatum. It's either you or her. It's plain that he still has feelings for this girl, and it's hurting your relationship. If he chooses you, then he needs to get the gumption to tell this other girl to get over herself and move on with her life because he's moving on with his. Help and support him with this move. She needs to find other "friends". If he chooses her, well he can expect to find his bags outside the door and the locks changed.