My future DH has an 8-yr-old who's recently been staying with us. The more time I spend with her, I am surprised by what this honor roll child cannot do for herself. Since I don't have kids, I really would like a second opinion-maybe I'm out of line...is it unusual that she still cannot tie her own shoes, take a bath/shower by herself, brush and put her hair in a ponytail and still acts "helpless" if asked to carry in a bag from the grocery or take out the trash?? I'd like to know what I might really be getting into here if I end up being stepmom!Thanks!
2006-07-22 21:36:17 · 24 answers · asked by Lily 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
Some of that is stuff she should probably be doing.
Tie her own shoes - maybe.
My son just learned this about 6 months ago right around his 7th birthday. He's still not GOOD or FAST at it but he can do it.
Bath/shower on her own - yes.
My 7 year old takes a shower on his own. We DO need to "supervise" to some extent or he will just play around and not wash himself. Sometimes I have to "check his work" on rinsing his hair.
Brush her hair and put it up - maybe.
I am guessing that she has long hair since you mentioned putting it in a ponytail. If she has long hair that gets tangled up then she may need help to brush it out. My oldest is a boy and my girls are only 5 and 3 so I'm not sure yet how capable they will be of this at the age of 8. I think my nieces still needed help at that age though.
Chores - yes.
She should be able to do some simple chores on her own. She should be able to help carry in and put away groceries. She should be able to carry out small trash bags, like from the bathroom, put maybe not the kitchen trash yet.
My guess is that maybe she's been pampered a bit since her parents split up? What does he DAD expect of her? Does he ask her to be independent or does he do everything for her? It sounds like maybe you and your fiance need to sit down and talk about things some. Good luck!
2006-07-23 02:04:56 · answer #1 · answered by momma2mingbu 7 · 7⤊ 1⤋
:) step-parenting... the world's biggest job, and most unappreciated!
i would like to start by suggesting two books:
Idiots guide to Step-parenting
Stepmotherhood by Cherie Burns
these were a BIG help to me. being a step-parent is the hardest job in the world!
the 8 year old girl :) she probably still takes showers with her mother (something you can't do). i still take showers with my almost 8 year old girl... but if she had a step-mother that did this i would turn that into a court battle, i'd be PISSED. what i'm trying to say is, it's normal for her to not take a bath/shower on her own.
brushing her hair and doing ponytails... her mother probably does those things for her too... but this is something you can help with for bonding time! my step-daughter is 14 and still likes me to brush her hair and do french braids.. or twists... etc. of course she's plenty old enough to do it...but it's time for us to talk... DON'T let this opportunity pass you by!
she SHOULD be tieing her own shoes... but if someone has to lecture, and teach her this let it be her DAD! ALWAYS, let dad give lectures & punishments & lessons.
with the groceries... yes, she can help. tell her that you need her help and then ask if what you're giving her is to heavy. about the trash... don't ask her to take the trash out... it could make her think ill of you and how you feel about her.
step-parents should never discipline. if the child does something while with you that is wrong... let the child know that the behavior must stop, and that they are going to have to talk to their parent about what happened. the relationship that you build with the child will effect parenting time. if she can't relate with you she will either make your life a living HELL every time she comes over, or she will stop coming over because of you, which will make your life a living hell. and i want you to know, there will be days that you will just want to give up and find a man without children... but i promise that if you work REALLY hard you will love the child like your own... but i must warn you, the child will love you... but never the way she loves her mother! even if you treat her better than her own mother, she will always love mom more and take your love for granted. as long as you know this going in it will make a big difference in how you feel at the end of every day!
I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!
2006-07-22 23:18:01 · answer #2 · answered by JayneDoe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most kids can do most of that stuff by age 5 or 6. Maybe not take out the trash, depending on the size of the full trash bag. If she's on the honor roll, she must show a pretty high level of intelligence at school. Depending on the school's standards, of course. It seems like you've got an attention addict on your hands. Or her parents spoil her, allot. Or, most likely, you're making her lash out for attention just by being daddy's new love. Give her a little time to adjust and use that time yourself to try to figure out which one it is, but what ever the problem is, you can't let her act this way for too long. It's not good for your relation ship with her, or your relationship with her Dad, and ultimately it's not going to be good for her in general. If you do have to put your foot down, and I suspect you will, keep in mind that it's probably the best thing you can do for her.
2006-07-22 22:04:49 · answer #3 · answered by ricothe3rd 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
all kids are different for example my 8yr daughter is fairly independant and can do all that and even does the dishes/helps tidy if the mood takes her whereas my 7yr old son is fairly lazy if he can get me or his sister to do something for him he'll find a way. Though to be fair if asked he will help tidy and will get dressed etc.
I think the main problem is that your not her real mum and shes testing the boundaries,you say shes an honor roll student so shes not dumb. When i first met my step mum i felt i was being disloyal in some way so used to push though it didnt take long to see that she was really nice. The best you can do is try to be her friend and just be fair(dont push too hard let her come to you) dont try to be her mum that hardly ever works in the beginning. Sadly i wasnt that nice to my step mum for the first wee while so you might have a bit of work, if you love this man though it will be worth it. Take care and good luck
2006-07-22 21:57:08 · answer #4 · answered by corinna g 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like she is a very spoiled and selfish brat or else she has mental problems. Either way,if you become the step mom you're going to have your hands full! You'll basically be the person spending the most time with her. You have to decide whether or not you're willing and capable of taking on the task! Before entering into a marriage,I would closely observe and really get to know the child.It could be she is testing you,seeing which buttons to push and how far you can be pushed before you put your foot down.Talk to her dad about your concerns.His attitude on the matter should be an indication of whether or not he would be supportive of you or the child.If he has the attitude " my child is perfect" I would leave the situation before it becomes a nightmare!
2006-07-22 21:55:34 · answer #5 · answered by Jo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it's unacceptable for an 8 year old to have those habits. But more so for a parent to allow the child to have those habits. My son is going to be 8 this year. He ties his own shoes, and helps out around the house. In fact, he begs to help out with dishes, floors and outdoor chores. I think some ground rules are sorely needed for this child. Along with some serious discipline. Being a step mom to this child will likely cause you very serious stress, but could be very rewarding in the end.
2006-07-23 13:42:55 · answer #6 · answered by Mary J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW! someone been spoiled! I have 3 daughters ..16 yr old,8 yr old and 5 yr old. All of them help carry groceries in the 8yr old is teaching 5 yr old to tie her shoes (she tied her own since she was 6) she runs her own bath water and bathes by herself once in awhile i have to go check she gets all the shampoo out. she has chores dishes ( mostly lunch dishes ) clear the table , set the table etc. She able to make her own sandwich and pour her own drink. She loves takin our dog outside. If there is nothing physical stopping your stepchild then I would talk to her dad and slowly intro. her to the world of independance!!
2006-07-23 02:29:06 · answer #7 · answered by lil_bitzy_mizzchief 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An 8 yr old should be able to:
Take care of her own hygiene needs (bathing, brushing and fixing her hair, brushing teeth, tying shoes, getting dressed, etc)
Take care of her clothes (hang up and put clothes away, put dirty clothes in hamper, etc).
Prepare for bed when told
Get up when told
Be able to fix her own cold cereal breakfast and things like pb & J, easy mac, etc.
Be able to help around the house: pick up, vacuum, dust, take out the trash, and clean up after herself
Help with groceries (carry sacks in and help put away).
That doesn't even begin to cover the list.
2006-07-23 15:10:41 · answer #8 · answered by snddupree 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she should be able to do all those things by her self. My four year old can take a bath by her self, she tires to put her hair in a pony tail, she carrys small grocery bags from the car, brushes her own hair. You should talk to her dad. She will not do these things if someone else always odes them for her.
2006-07-22 21:45:04 · answer #9 · answered by radiology 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have a daughter whos just turned 9 she can tie her shoe lace bath and wash her hair get dresed sort her own clothes out do her own hair cleans her room helps me sometimes lol but some children take time to tie shoe laces so wouldnt worry about that you need to let her do things herself maybe she just cant be bothered lay some rules down day by day start of by saying time to bath yourself its not hard and sure she can do it she sounds spoilt why cant she take out trash and help you i would make some rules now hope all goes well good luck
2006-07-22 22:36:25 · answer #10 · answered by nicole 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋