What to do when your young son doesn't like you...?

Question

My second child, a son, has become very mean to me lately. He doesn't want me to go anywhere with the family, he gets mad when I discipline him and sometimes hits me. Even when his father disciplines him, I am the one he gets mad at. He has always been a daddy's boy, but I can no longer overlook the behavior. I have noticed that I am starting to avoid him so I don't get my feelings (or body) hurt. Any answers?

Answer 1

how old is he?

Answer 2

First of all, how old is your son? I'm guessing that he's 4 or under. If this is the case, then this is more than likely a phase and it, like all other phases, will pass. What I would do is have some 1 on 1 time with him. It could be that he is seeking some time with just you anyway. This will give you a chance to talk to him. Don't push him about why he is treating you this way or anything though. Just say something like "I've noticed that you haven't been happy with Mommy lately. If you don't want to tell me why that's fine, but remember that Mommy is always here for you if you need to talk and that Mommy might be able to help you if you tell me what's bothering you." Then explain to him that no matter how angry he is hitting is never okay, and there are other ways to express anger that are safe and appropriate. Let him know that when he hits someone it causes pain for that person, too, and that's not okay. Then let him know that if he hits anymore he will be given a consequence, and let him know what it is. Also, be sure to let your son know that it's okay to be angry, and that everyone gets angry sometimes. Ask him if he would like to talk to you about why he is angry with you. If he doesn't, let him know that you will give him space but you are always there to listen should he change his mind and want to talk.

If this continues to go on for several months I would contact a counselor who can help you and your son get these feelings out in the open. My son was 3 when his father and I got divorced. He started having lots of issues that got worse over time. I talked to a friend who does counseling and she referred me to another counselor who specializes in art therapy. You would be amazed at the breakthroughs we had. Sometimes when kids are this young they need that "help from the outside."

Next, I want you to repeat after me: "MY SON DOES NOT HATE ME." Your son not only likes you, he LOVES you. Just because he's angry with you right now doesn't change that.

I wish you luck, and hang in there--things will change.

Answer 3

Here are a few suggestions:

Implement the "3 strikes and you're out" approach. The first time he engages in unacceptable behavior (have a clear idea what this is), then tell him not to do it again. For example, if he hits you, you calmly, gently, force him to look at you, and tell him "you are NOT to hit me, EVER." Tell him how you feel about being hit. 2nd time, you repeat the command, with a warning regarding what the consequences will be (be clear about this, too, and don't threaten anything that you're not prepared to go through with. Keep it simple and keep your temper under control). Third time, he receives the consequences.

Same scenario with rude language. You tell him, gently but firmly, "You are NEVER to speak to me that way," and then explain why your feelings were hurt. If he is old enough, ask him how he thinks you must feel when he says this (get him thinking about the natural consequences of his behavior). 3 strikes, and he faces disciplinary action.

Talk to his father about the situation. Don't hand him orders, or tell him what you think; genuinely seek his opinion. Explain to him the "3 strikes" rule, and ask him what he thinks. Do not try to enforce your will on him if he doesn't cooperate or doesn't agree with you; don't let discipline matters turn into occassions for family fights.

Feel free to recruit help from relatives. If you visit your parents, call ahead of time, talk about the situation, and recruit their help. Older relatives are generally more experienced and sage about this sort of thing.

Since this situation sounds like it is already out of hand, I suggest eliminating certain activities which are associated with bad behavior, and limiting others. For example, no television or video games at all. Cut out sugary foods. Minimize time at daycare or babysitters. Minimize unsupervised time, especially with children who have the same behaviors (they spread, like a disease). You will generally find that the more time he spends with adults who are related to him, the less antisocial he will become.

One more thing to try, and this may be hard: if there is someone who has witnessed the problem, who has a level head and good judgement, ask for their opinion about what is going wrong. Sometimes it is hard to see things objectively when one is too much in the middle of them--especially when feelings are getting hurt. Don't jump to conclusions for or against, just listen to what others have to say.

[Even when his father disciplines him...]

How does he discipline him?

One thing that might be going wrong is that he assumes that his dad only disciplines him "because mom is mad" or something like that. It is even possible that their interactions are chummier when they are alone.

Try the 3 strikes approach, and explain to him why his behavior is unacceptable after strike #1 (in other words, it's not just you, but an objective standard of behavior). It will work even better of both parents do this.

Answer 4

You should realize that it's more than likely just a phase. If you're not being outrageously controlling or anything weird like that...if there are no deficiencies in your parenting, then it's only a phase.

I acted like a complete jerk to my parents before...hit them, cursed at them, and stayed mad for ages...but I grew out of it.

If he doens't grow out of it (which is a possibility...or he may grow out of it but never care to apologize) then it's still NOT your fault. You have done the best you know how to do and he needs to see it the way you do...and maybe he will, eventually.

Take into consideration that he is the second child, he is a son, and is having growing pains (unless he's around 25 or so...). Find some other mothers that have gone through this before...older moms that are veterans of their children...not all experiences with their children were bad, but you have to remember:

Children are a joy...but it's not always perfect. You have to accept this and take responsibility. You have to know that you are dealing with a human being that is prone to make mistakes, just like you.

Answer 5

First of all, how old is he?

Secondly, if he hits you he should be punished by either you or his father. That should never be tolerated.

Thirdly, when he does something good, PRAISE HIM. Show him that good things will come to him when he's good, and bad things when he is bad.

If he is a toddler, it's more than likely a phase, but you and his father need to get on the same page for disciplining him. There should be no contradictions and empty questions between you two.

Answer 6

I would do 2 things right now.
1. Have my husband make it CLEAR to little Mr. Terror that He will NOT allow Anyone to strike his wife -- even his Son.
2. Get that boy to a child psychologist. Whether he's 5 or 15 -- kids should never strike out at their parents -- ESPECIALLY not a boy, hitting only his mother. that is just unacceptable.

I would also let your husband know that he'd better step up to the damn plate. Why do you have to come here to ask these questions? Your husband should be taking charge of the boy. he needs a reality check.

Answer 7

How old are we talking about? Avoiding your child is not good. You badly need help before this escalates. First of all you should never tolerate being hit by anyone. And i am hoping you don't disipline by hitting him, because if you are there's a lot of your problem. I suggest sitting down with him when you two can be alone and there isn't a disipline issue going on and asking him what the problem is. If he can't or won't tell you, you will need family counseling to sort it out. Please don't hesitate.

Answer 8

this is a phase every child goes through. rebelling out at thier parents. he may feel like you are the anti-christ at the moment. you still need to stand your ground after all you are his mother and need to be respected and im not saying that in a drill sergent kind of way. as for the hitting thing. his father needs to give him a BIG talk. if he is a daddys boy. a few wise words from his father might help. dont give up.

Answer 9

You need to take back your title..you know the "mommy" one? You are the parent in this situation! And you need to act like it! It is your job to make him ready for the "real" world. And I believe that this child is going to find it a bit of a shock when he finds out that the rest of the world will not back down from him when he gets mad! By allowing this behavior to go on and avoiding him this is teaching him that the rest of the world will do the same! And in essence you are not helping out all in the long run! Just put your foot down and stand firm on this issue and it will not take long for him to figure out that you are serious! Good luck!

Answer 10

Age is important here.

I'd suggest taking the emotion out of it and step up to the parenting plate. If he hits you or talks back, he should be put in a time out. His age should determine the number of minutes in time-out. (ex-- 6 years old = 6 mins). After time out, he needs to look you in the eye, tell you what he did wrong, and apologize.

(Okay.. I watch too much Supernanny on tv, but her techniques really do work.)

Equally important --- reward his good behavior. Play with him when he's being good. Spend time with him. He will need to see your positive side as well. :-)

Answer 11

My mother has always told me I bought you into this world and I can take you out of it. But if you are to the point to where that you are afraid he is going to hurt you extremely bad one day put him in jail with the big boys or in military school and eventually he will learn that it doesn't go his way it is your way or no way because you are the parent and he is the child.