Any funny jokes??

Question

I like blonde jokes, but u can put ANY good joke you know. Nothing too short, because mostly the shortest jokes are the worst. The joke that makes me laugh the hardest gets the 10 points!!!!

Answer 1

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
-- Jay Leno




The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"







One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."






A rich couple get into a fight over the wife spending too much money. He says, "Baby, if you would just get off your *** once in a while and learn to cook and clean, we could get rid of the live in maid"! She says, "Oh yeah! well if you would just learn how to ****! we could get rid of the chauffeur"!!!







One evening at a bar a group of men were watching the news.
The news had on a story about a man threatening to jump off a
high ledge. The first man says that he bets 100 dollars that the
guy jumps, the second says that he bets 100 that he doesn't.
The man jumps and the second man pays the first and leaves.
The first man chases after him because he felt bad. The news
was recapping the story that happened an hour ago and he
already knew beforehand that he jumped. He catches up with
the second guy and tells him this. The second guy replies," I
know but I didn't think that guy would be dumb enough to jump
again!"







High Tech Bodies
Three women, one Greman, one Japanese, and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The Greman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear and talked quietly.
When she was finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."








ok this blond walks into a best buy and theres a sign that says no blonds so she colors her hair black because theres 90% off some of the new stuff there.........she walks in and asks how much is this tv? the man at the desk say ur a blond so plz lev now.......so she gose colors her hair brown and gose asks a different person and she says how much is this tv? and that person knows that she was a blone too and asked her to lev once more............she thinks to herself and she thought that thy remembered wat she looked like so she colors her hair red and makes herself look like a rocker but comes bake the next day and asks someone different how much is that tv overthere and he says ur a blond plz lev as he walks her out she stops and asks him how do u know im a blond? and he says thats not a tv its a microwave.............

Answer 2

A man is driving his Cadillac convertable down a dirt road when he comes upon a wide puddle which he can't drive around. He'd come a fair distance so far and didn't wish to turn back. He spots a farmer working in the adjacent field, waves to him and calls him over. He asks the farmer if the puddle is very deep or not, not wishing to get his car dirty. The farmer insists it's OK. So, the man gets back in his car and proceeds to drive through the puddle. However, as most jokes go, there is always a hitch. The puddle quickly gets slippery and deep. His car gets engulfed with muddy water spilling over the doors into the open car. The man was livid." I thought you said it was safe. Just look at the car. It's a mess!" The farmer tips his hat back and chews on a stem of grass while surveying the situation. He scratches his head quite perplexed. He places his hand level with his waist and responds..." I don't get it. It only comes up to here on my ducks!"

Answer 3

Well, a man goes to a doctor. He tells the doc, "Please, doc, the problem is a very, let's say 'comical,' matter. I would request you not to laugh." The doctor agreed, wondering what it could possibly be.
The man then takes off his pants and inside, the doctor found the tiniest penis he had ever seen. The doc can'tt help it. He started laughing so hard he fell and started rolling on the ground, clutching his tummy. After an hour or so, the doc stops laughing and tells the guy, "Sorry about that. Now, what is your problem."
The man glumly looks at him and says, "It's swollen."

Answer 4

A rich man and a poor man are telling each other what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich man says," I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes-Benz". The poor man asks him why he got her two things, to which the rich man replies," So that if she dislikes the ring, she can trade it in and get a second car". Then the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife and the poor man says," I go my wife some slippers and a dildo". When asked why he got his wife two things he said," Because if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go **** herself"!

Answer 5

My blond girlfriend asked me 'Has it been decided yet where the Cannes Film festival will held this year, I want to get there early and get a good spot on the beach'??

Answer 6

Q:What did one blonde say to the other blond?
A:

Yeah, you got it!

Answer 7

Check out these Hotties-----------LOL

http://www.hillsdale.edu/personal/Westblade/pix/humor/KrispyKremeCalendar2001.jpg

http://www.hillsdale.edu/personal/Westblade/pix/humor/KrKr2005.jpeg

Answer 8

what do you call a dead blonde in the closet?

last years hide-n-seek winner.