Tell me all ur jokes.?

Question

i want all types. they can be clean or dirty. they just have to b funny.
Add on any lame ones that u know as well.

Please and Thanx in advance.

Answer 1

MORON


How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !
(hahaha)
Ways To Annoy People
Name your dog "Dog."
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "eat away your food " !
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
FUNNY DIALOGUES
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil
Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
HOW CHILDREN DRIVE THEIR TEACHERS CRAZY !

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !

TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil :Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil : Twins !

TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

teacher:Why does history keep repeating itself?
student:Because we weren't listening the first time!

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!



Yo momma jokes

Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so short she gotta slam-dunk her bus fare!
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet!
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, I can't believe its not butter.
yo mama so fat she carry a toaster like a beeper
yo mama so fat when she farted i tried not to laugh but the floor was cracking up
yo mama so stupid she return a puzzle back to the store cause she thought it was broken
Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."!!
yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn OFF the surveillence cameras!!!
your mama's so fat, when she walked past the t.v. I missed 3 episodes.
your mama's so dumb, she planted 2 nickels hopin' for a dime



TYPES OF FARTERS

VAIN
A person who loves the smell of his own farts

AMIABLE
A person who loves the smell of other people's farts

PROUD
A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

SHY
A person who releases silent farts and then blushes

IMPUDENT
A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

UNFORTUNATE
A person who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead

SCIENTIFIC
A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about pollution

NERVOUS
A person who stops in the middle of his fart

HONEST
A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons

DISHONEST
A person who farts and then blames the dog

FOOLISH
A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours

THRIFTY
A person who has several good farts in reserve

ANTI-SOCIAL
A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

STRATEGIC
A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing

SADISTIC
A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate

INTELLECTUAL
A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item consumed

ATHLETIC
A person who farts at the slightest exertion

MISERABLE
A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all

SENSITIVE
A person who farts and then starts crying

Answer 2

Jokes#1
a lawyer who just brought a new lexus, park it right by the street so everyone can admire it. As he opening the car door to get out, a big truck drove by and took the left door off. The lawyer immediately call 911. When the cop came, the lawyer start ravating on how he just brought the car the day before and no matter what the bodyshop do for the car, it will never be the same. The cop look at the lawyer with disgust and say "you lawyer are so materialistic that you don't notice anything around you." The lawyer say, "why would you say something like" the cop answer "you so concerned about your material things that you didn't even notice that the truck also took off your whole left arm." The lawyer look down and realize that his left arm was missing. He screamed "OH, MY GOD. MY ROLEX."

Jokes #2
3 men who were about to get killed was given a chance to save themselves. They y were given 2 test. they have to pass the first test before even knowing what the 2nd test was. the 1st test was for each of them to bring 12 fruits.
the first guy brought 12 apples and he was ask to shove all them apples in his butt without making any facial expression. when he gets to apple #3 he screamed and was killed.
the 2nd guy, fortunately brought 12 little grapes and was asked to do the same thing as the 1st guy. but when he gets to #11 he burst out laughing and failed the test.
Before they killed him they asked him why did he laugh when he was so close to passing the test. He answered "didn't you see the 3rd guy? he was bringing pineapples."

Answer 3

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties and tell her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Answer 4

There is this lady who's 9 months pregnant walking home from a hard days work when she gets shot by a robber three times in the stomach. She is then rushed to the hospital and she delivers three babies. Two girls and a boy. Sixteen years later at home a girl says to her mom, mom mom get over here, the mom then rushes over the other girl and the daughter says she peed a bullet. The mom explains what happened 16 years ago. The next day the other daughter does the same thing and the mom then explains what happened 16 years ago. The next day the son calls for his mom and she already has an idea what its going to be about. They boy goes, mom i shot the dog.

Answer 5

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.Because of hectic schedules,it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.The husband checked in the hotel.There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out a letter in his wife's email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston,a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory, following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from her friends and relatives.After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen that read:

To:My loving wife
Subject:I've arrived
Date:April 6 2006

I know you are suprised to hear from me.There are computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.I have just arrived and have been checked in.I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.Looking forward to seeing you then.Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P.S sure is freaking hot down here!

Answer 6

There are two muffins in an oven. One says 'god its hot in here!' The other one goes 'Oh My God! A talking muffin!!!!!'

Yeah pretty lame but it made me laugh!

Answer 7

ill tell u a scary story..
once upon a time
there was a fat stripper
the end

Answer 8

Yo mama is so old she ows jesus a nickel.....
yo mama is soo jacked up she has her own website herspace.com......
yo mama is sooo fat when jesus said let there be light he told her to ger her fat *** out of the way.........

Answer 9

If I say you have a hot body will you hold it against me?

Answer 10

How do you know when your wife is really dead???

Your sex life is the same but your washing pile
gets bigger!!!!!