I'm worried about my daughter and don't know how to help her.?

Question

My teenage daughter is withdrawn, has phobias about ordinary things and is depressed. She has been for about five years. I've been to counsellors with her, 2 psychiatrists, and our family doctor. They want her to try antidepressants. She did but quit because she said it didn't help. She thinks she's hideously ugly but she isn't at all. She's been covering her head for three years because she hates her forehead. Believe me I've tried everything and now I'm throwing this open to you, the wonderful public. Please give me some advice. How can I get her to feel good about herself and have a social life. She hasn't been to school for three years. She does correspondence courses at home. She is very smart, but believes she's stupid. She's never been abused at home, but claims people outside the home have told her repeatedly that she's ugly. Believe me when I say I can't force her to do anything. I'm worried that she will have no future.

Thanks for so many great answers. She is seventeen. We live in Canada and I can't have her committed here without her consent unless she's actually tried to harm herself. She tells me she hasn't. Hospital care is free here so cost isn't a problem. Her consent is, though. We spend a lot of time together, and she recognizes her problems, just doesn't know what to do about them. Whenever I take her clothing shopping she takes two or three hours but can't find anything she likes. She has a lot of trouble making any decisions. She has one friend she sees occasionally. She refuses any further counselling from anyone. She was on Zolaft for four months. I thought it helped but she didn't. I will check out some of the websites suggested in the answers below. Thankyou. I haven't chosen a best answer yet because I'm getting so many good ones it will take time. You are a very caring community!

Answer 1

i dont know you but from my experience, most kids act like this because their parents dont give them the proper attention for years and years, and then all of a sudden, the parents dont understand why their kids are acting like this..

start making your child a high priority every day, not just when she acts bad. every day. sorry to be so mean, but its really sad that we only give our kids attention when they act bad.

Answer 2

I don't know that anyone can offer any other assistance to you as it seems that you have tried the most obvious solutions to try and help your daughter. The only thing I can say is from personal experience that sometimes it takes a long time for a doctor to find the right anti-depressant and some can take up to 6 weeks before you start to feel any positive effects although unfortunately the negative side effects are felt almost instantly leading many people to think they don't help. Along with anti-depressants, there are anti-anxiety medication which can help with some of the phobias that she has developed. There is also a therapy called EMDR which as I understand it, can help replace negative thoughts/feelings with more positive ones without having to delve too deeply into things that are too painful or traumatic to recall. You can find out more by going to www.emdr.com but even if this looks like a hopeful possibility for your daughter it is something she will ultimately have to want to participate in as with any treatment, prescribed or otherwise so all I can do is wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find the help necessary for you daughter to live a happy and successful life.

Answer 3

From what you've described here it could possibly be sexual assault of some type. Survivors many times have a poor self image after an attack and will say and do whatever they can to make themselves feel less desirable or less noticed. Did something happen to her about 5 years ago? Had she been more happy before that time? If there was a marked change in her at that time I would try to find out what the cause was. Counseling is still the best bet at the present time even though it didn't work in the past, finding the right therapist is sometimes trial and error. Counselors have different styles and she needs to find one she can feel comfortable with. I wish you and your daughter the best, I hope you'll continue communicating to let us know how things are going.

Answer 4

This poor girl sounds alot like I did. I was verbally abused at home, told constantly that I was stupid. I believed it for years until I hit college and found out how smart I was. I also thought I was ugly. I was always taller than everyone, was flatchested till I was 16, had glasses bigger than my face, braces, and VERY curly hair that frizzed. It took me getting contacts, my braces coming off and going to a professional stylist in NYC to learn how to tame my hair.
It took me MANY years to get over it, but I really worry about your daughter. Certain antidepressants might help her. I'm wondering what she's tried already. It's really nice to see a kind and compassionate parent who truly cares about her child. Believe me when I say that's important.

I think she can benefit from one more opinion. How about a psychologist or a social worker? Either one might be able to see something the other people haven't. It seems like she needs a friendly boost of self-esteem. Does she have any friends? Does she socialize outside the house since she's not in school? These things are important. Perhaps she feels a bit shut in?
My only advice to you is to continue being there for her.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you!

Answer 5

I know what's she going through to some degree. Although, I never had as serious of a reaction as her. Young people these days can be so cruel to eachother, especially at school.
I was told by guys that I had a big forehead as well, and they teased me about everything. It was hard, for awhile I didn't want to go out with friends because of my forehead. But it passed with time, and I just came to realize that this is the way I was made and supposed to be.
Later as I grew up and into my college years, it was those boys (who used to call me ugly in the playground) who were knocking on my door for dates.
It sounds like your daughter has gotten so wrapped up in what is usually a passing phase (but still painful) for most teens. I am not an expert...perhaps you can look online or at the library for some articles about how to help her out? There must be some articles somewhere about what you can do without using drugs.
You can give your daughter my email...I'm 25 years old now, and I live overseas teaching. It would be fun to have a pen-pal type friend...maybe I could listen to some of her problems and relate to my experiences?

If you want, feel free. It's [e-mail]

Good luck!

Answer 6

Kids can be very cruel. The fact she doesn't go to school verifies that she has had some very bad experiences there. Bad enough to cause all this withdrawal from society. Not good Mom. You ache for your daughter and want her to snap out if this. Obviously she believes what those cruel students said to her. It doesn't matter how false the cruel words were; she believes them. It was very painful and crushing. She may have been the victim of one person, hard to tell. The damage was done. Now she is seething with anger; she feels totally inadequate and manifests that in rebellion, withdrawal and noncooperation. Counseling will be no good unless the counselor grows the relationship carefully, respecting her boundaries. The goal of such a counselor is to get her to TALK, and to talk about her experiences. Then trust is developed. That is the kind of counseling she needs. So I suggest a woman counselor. Woman are more intuitive. Not all, so you have to be intuitive yourself. If you get these vibes that a counselor is not your cup of tea, keep searching until you find one that you like. Your daughter needs counseling from someone who understands and is wanting your daughter to be healed. She doesn't need a counselor who watches the clock, is impatient and aloof with a wall full of credentials. You, Mom, will have to search. Call friends. Make phone calls. Keep this confidential from your daughter at this stage. I find when a person quests for truth, it someone appears. There is no quick fix here. It is important that your daughter meets a counselor she trusts and can open up with. Your daughter could be a candidate for suicide. We want to get her into effective counseling as soon as possible. I suspect she has stopped taking care of herself. She needs intervention of the kind variety, like, right now. Interview the counselors and only go with one you feel is right for your daughter.

Answer 7

Wow, It seems to me that you have a somewhat typical teenager. That is for the most part. This is such a hard age. I remember it well. I didnt want to listen to my parents or anyone else. I thought that I was fat even though I only weighed 112 pounds. God help me if I ever got a pimple because I envisioned that it had taken over my entire face. I would be very worried about my daughter if I were you though because the anti social behavior is a problem. I have a daughter that is the same age and I would do a few things. First I would do things with her even if it is forced, like go to the mall to window shop, or out for an ice-cream. I would use this one on one time with her to bond with her and give her the comfort of knowing that mom is there no matter what. Kids in school could be so mean and cruel and I have to wonder if something didnt happen in school to make her withdraw so bad. I also have to wonder if the medication was helping her but because she was on the inside looking out she just couldnt see it. I know my daughter went through a smaller phase of this so we started going to the stylist together, getting nails done, make-up done, new hair styles and would then go out for a girls night out. I live in a small town so that meant pizza and bowling. During this time my daughter found a good group of friends and she wanted me around less and less. That was a good thing. She still shares everything with me and she knows that I am there for her, but I am not going to let depression and her eating disorder win over me. I was determined and my determination is what won my daughter back for me. I kow that you say you cant force her but you are the mother you have to stand up to her and save her. Are the phobias really phobias or is she playing up to her mom? Is she looking for attention? I have also noticed that teenagers can be very munipulating so I would first rule out if she was playing games with you. I would then ask her to write out everything bad that she feels about herself and then have her write out everything good. Matter of a fact why doesnt evceryone in your family do this about her. Look at everything that she has written that was bad and disprove all of it, or praise her for acknowledging her problems. Then set out a plan of action to help her. Take baby steps. Good Luck. Sometimes it just takes growing up and maturing to make it all better.

Answer 8

This is a rough situation.

If you haven't already, I would suggest taking her to a counselor or therapist and letting her sit through the sessions on her own. If something is bothering or has happened to a teenage girl, the last person she would want to talk about it with is her mother. It may take several sessions before she'll open up about anything, and she'll probably have to feel comfortable enough with her counselor/therapist to feel confident that anything she says won't find its way back to you or anyone else.

It may also be wise to talk to your daughter about any potential triggers for her behavior. Abuse can occur just as easily out of the home as in, and it sounds as though there's a possibility your daughter has experienced something traumatic and is trying to hide from it.

It's a longshot, but I hope this helps.

Answer 9

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. It seems that, without medication, she will not be able to get out of this depression. She probably quit medications before they started to kick in. But maybe if you take baby steps with her you will be able to gently make her go back to her meds. Is there anybody she trusts? Maybe a pastor in her church that could talk to her? Are there any groups that you could gently push her to join, like a church group, or some sport, anything? Again, these would be baby steps. Would she enjoy joining a class, like a foreign language class? Since she's smart, maybe you can challenge her to do this? Find out what interests she has and go on from there.
To start, take her to a salon for a haircut that would flatter her features, even if it's expensive. Maybe one with bangs to cover her forehead?
Well, I hope these ideas help a little! God bless you both.

Answer 10

Forget about her and her future. She needs help w/herself today. Gutta fix today in order to get to tomorrow. My friend went through the same thing in high school. It was hard to be her friend going through this. Her parents put her in residentual inhouse therepy. she is a fine person now. We sat down a few weeks ago and talked about things and she said the most memorable moment for her and the moment she snapped out of her emotional delema was when they were volunteering at a soup kitchen for the homeless people with children and with out children. she had a conversation with a man who was very bright but got down on his luck with the loss of his mom and dad in an accident which he caused. She then came to realize that some people have it much worse in life then she did and then began to see the good things in her life and then as she puts it she "just woke up."

You may want your daughter to experience people or situations that are much worse off then she is. Take her to a homeless shelter, take her to jouvenile hall. MAKE her go to school. She wont make any friends and mature socially if she is not socialized.

Kids are very mean when they are the younger teens. Im not sure how old your daughter is now, but if she's an oldeter teen and pretty as you say; perhaps her looks will get her friends in shcool and then perhaps she needs the reafermation from others that dont say "Your Pretty" everyday will help.

Answer 11

This is a VERY tuff Situation. First I commend you on your love for your child. Wish my parents took this kinda of active interest in me! While drugs do help they are not the end all. I am currently on 40mg of Celexa and I can say it has helped. what it did for me was it changed my body image issues I had. they also do other things. so i could recomend that. You could also try doing a Make over day with your daughter. Ask her what she thinks will make her look better and spend a day at a spa and maybe new cloths. Spending time with her. Also Suggest some homopathic things. Like Hynpoisis or Acupunture both are great as mood elevators.
anyways GOOD luck!