how should I handle this....?

Question

My fiance and I are getting married next October(2007). My Mother in law is making the cake , but that is the only contribution (that we are aware of) that either set of parents are contributing to the wedding (other then a wedding gift). So in a nut shell...WE are paying for the entire thing. It seems that nothing that we do is "correct", according to my mother. We have a list of 200 people...in her eyes "TOO MANY PEOPLE".
We have a large Bridal party...her opinion " You only need your sister and sister in law."
Now, we tell her that we are having a buffet style dinner, so that we can have something for every one (vegetarien dishes, pork, beef and chicken..even nuggets for the kids) In her eyes " we are tight-wads"....it's still $30.00/person (not a big deal)
If I call her to ask a question, her response is "You are planning to early...you still have over a year!"
My question to all of you is....
How do I deal with her without losing it! I'm ready to Un-invite her!
AHHHHH!

Answer 1

Nothing you do with this wedding will be OK with your mother so you might as well stop getting upset over it now. You've got another year to go.

You need to stop calling and asking her opinion. You know she's going to respond negatively, so why bother? It does suck that she can't be involved, but better you remember this time as a happy one than as a stressed one that entails you trying to please everyone but yourself and your fiance.

The next time your mother makes a comment, very nicely inform her that this is your & fiance's wedding and you both are planning the most important day of your lives according to your wishes. If she wishes to plan the wedding, then ask her if she would like to fund the entire thing and in that case, you would be happy to turn the planning over to her.

If she persists in making negative comments, turn the tables on her and ask her why she is intent on degrading your ideas and ruining such a special time for you with her negativity. Usually after being confronted with their ill behavior, people keep their mouth shut. Let her know that while you love her and you do not want things to be this way, if she cannot be supportive and positive, you will be forced to not involve with any of the planning or the parties and functions that go along with it.

Please focus on your fiance and your wonderful upcoming wedding. You both deserve the best!

Answer 2

It's your wedding. Planning weddings are just like being an expectant mother. Everybody and their mother has an opinion as to how you should do everything including what's wrong and what's right in their eyes. I have to be strong and learn to put your foot down. I let my mother have complete control over planning my first wedding as I didn't have the time and didn't really want to deal with it (for reasons I won't go into). It turned out absolutely beautiful. Needless to say, that marriage didn't last (won't go there either HaHa) and I an getting married in 6 weeks. I have taken the responsibility for planning this wedding and I started early. I wanted to make sure I had what I wanted . I talk to my mom about the whole thing as she is practically my best friend and I do value her opinions. However, she has the tendency to start "If I were you, I would..." or "Why does it have to be that way, why can't it be this way? I like this better" I just calmly and sweetly remind her that I appreciate the input and will give it some thought, but this is the way I want and what makes me happy. She usually responds with "ok, I was just trying to give you other ideas" and I will admit that I have changed a few things to the ideas she had given me. In the short, just be honest and open without being rude and b*tchy. Good luck!!

Answer 3

First thing to remember - THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY, NOT HERS! You are making choices that are correct for you and since you're paying, you get the final say. You invite however many people you want to invite, you have the dinner you want to have and you have however many bridesmaids you want.

As for her saying you are "planning too early", she obviously has no concept on how long it takes to plan a wedding. If you are in a big city, banquet halls are booked a year in advance and quite often more. The same goes for limousines, photographer, videographer, DJ and flowers. If you are marrying in a church, that can be booked just as much in advance too. As for the planning of the little things, by doing it now, you're not rushed in the end. Keep in mind that most bridal salons need 6 months to get your dress made and that does not include any of the alterations.

Finally, if she makes too much of a fuss over this, then threaten her with uninviting her. It might be enough to make her sit up and take notice. I would even point out to her that this is your day and that since you are paying, you control the details. The important thing to remember is if you don't confront her, you will only let your anger and frustration build up inside and it might explode over the wrong person, like your fiance or your maid of honour. Hope that helps. If you need any other advice, check out the website below and e-mail me.

Answer 4

#1, Quit informing your mom about the wedding plans. Quit asking her opinion since you already know she's going to infuriate you when she gives it.
#2, When she critizises your plans, inform her that if she would like to be in control of the plans, then to open up the checkbook. Unless she's willing to finance it, she has NO place to say a thing.

It's your wedding, not hers. Plan it the way you want to. If you can afford 200 people, then by all means go for it, and have a wonderful day!

And you're not planning too early, the more you get done earlier, the less you have to do as the date gets closer. You'll be glad come September '07 you've planned so well.

Good luck, and congrats on your engagement!

Answer 5

It hard when you have a mother who wants to control it without add much in money. You need to have a coordinator help you, they have a way of letting mom's know what's right and what's not right. but if you don't do that then you need to sit down with her and explain that even though you still have a while you want to go very small. Maybe she can have a party for all the other guest later after you are married. Not a recepition and party. then the guest don't have to bring a gift but still can celebrate with you.
good luck

Answer 6

Traditionally, the brides parents pay for the wedding. Since neither she nor your parents are paying for the reception, they have no say. It is YOUR wedding, you are the bride. This day is totally about you, and you have enough things to worry about. Let her know that as much as you appreciate her ideas, it is not what you want on your day. From then on, just leave her out of the details. If she asks, just say it will be a suprise for everyone.

Answer 7

As a former DIY paid your own way bride...who had a large bridal party and around 200 people...don't let this stress you out.

my mother in law tried to be a dictator, but we (my hubbie and I) put the kabbash on that because after all...it's OUR life, our wedding.

next thing you know she'll be dictating how you raise your kids!

many people pay for their own weddings, you are not alone. b/c you are the one who is fiscally responsible, don't feel that you and your beau have to answer to ANYONE. it's your day, your money, and who gives a rat's bootie about what they say

here a few suggestions
1.) Don't lose your cool...remain as calm as possible, remember this woman will be in your life after this special occasion...
2.) If she pisses you off, "don't call her" to ask a question, call a friend, your own mom/aunt...
3.) avoid her at all costs, out of sight out of mind
4.) hire a freaking wedding planner! for the low cost of 1000.00 you can hire someone to ***** to, if everyone else is tiring of your wedding banter.

happy planning!

Answer 8

you need to sit down and talk to her about expenses. if you haven't already made it known to her. parents shouldn't have to contribute to the wedding much at all i think you and yr partner are the ones getting married there fore you both should be the ones footing the bill. this thing about parents paying is old fashioned and all the struggle they have been through and money they have spent in raising you should be enough that they shouldn't have to worry about spending on yr wedding. but if you are determined to do it this way arrange a meeting with her and sit down and show her the expenses that there are and ask her if she can contribute anymore to the wedding.

Answer 9

You have to make boundaries. Tell her she can only say anything about what you are doing or spending if she is the one who is paying for it. Or you can just tell her you are making a rule that she is not allowed to talk to you about the wedding plans. If she says anything to you after that, remind her of the rule and end the phone call or walk away from her for a little while. It's what I do with my mom about certain subjects and it works great!

Answer 10

It 's YOUR Wedding and your paying for it, DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!! If she has nothing nice to say then STOP asking her!!! I know it's your Mom so maybe it's time to have a serious chat with her and get it all out in the open!!! Good Luck and I Hope your Wedding Day is EVERYTHING that YOU want it to be!!!!!