whats the best joke ya got?

Question

doesnt matter what kind of joke it is

i think there all hilarious so far!

i cant pick till the fourth hour i posted this but I know who Im going to pick to get 10 pts but if anyone relly wants the ten pts give me a relly good joke

Answer 1

> One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a
> deserted island for
> over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He
> thought to himself,
> "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got
> closer and closer,
> he began to rule out the possibilities of a small
> boat and even a raft.
> Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited
> black clad figure.
> Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet
> suit, there
> stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
> The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned
> Irishman and said to
> him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had
> a good cigar."
> "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,
> she reached
> over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
> sleeve of her
> wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He
> takes one,
> lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and
> begorrah," said the
> man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great
> a smoke can be!"
> "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of
> good Powers
> Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
> Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
> Hearing that, the
> blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a
> pocket there and
> removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the
> flask and took a long
> drink.
> Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis
> truly fantastic!!!"
> At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
> unzip the long
> front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She
> looked at the
> trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been
> since you played
> around?"
> With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his
> knees and sobbed,
> "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've
> got golf clubs in
> there, too!"

Answer 2

What is the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep all night with a light on.

Why did they give the man in the nursing home Viagra?
So he wouldn't roll out of bed.

Ten things in golf that sound dirty.
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Answer 3

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.

The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Answer 4

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Answer 5

Hey sparkle, I hope you like this one:


Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Answer 6

Whats the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Answer 7

Your mom's so loose, it's like throwing a hot dog down a hall way.

<3,

Answer 8

one day the king was bore,so he odered that anyone brought the biggest ping-pong ball will get a prize.this man came with a 3.4inches wide ball,other one brought a 4inches wide ball,finally,a man came with a big ball,6feet wide,the king ask him where him got it,he say,oh,i thought u say king-kong balls
it's a bit nasty,but i like it

Answer 9

who has it harder? a pickle, a cucumber, or a penis?
there was a pickle and he walked up to the cucumber and penis and said man i got so bad. i have to stay in a closed up container that smells really bad. the cucumber said no i have it way worse they chop me up and put me in all kinds of things. then the penis spoke up and said no i have worse than both of you!!! they put a bag over my head, shove me in a cage, and beat my haed against the wall until i throw up!!!

Answer 10

cookies are good and sugar is sweet i think that riddles are kinda neat. I shall telll a riddle for you so listen close it should be new.

j/k