I need a wise, objective and mature females advice.?

Question

I am a victim of child molestation and rape, both by my aunts husband. when he raped me at 13 I told my mother and she promised to keep him away from me, but did not want to press charges because she didn't want to lose her relationship with the sister that raised her. I felt violated every time he looked at me. I ran away from home. I was taken into state custody at 13 for habitually running away. When I told the state psychologist why I refused to go back home he reported my mother and she was forced to allow me to press charges. My aunt's family lied to the grand Jury and the molester was released. The molester & family quickly moved over 1000 mi away. I hadn't heard from any of those family members for over 10 years. My problem is that for the past couple of years my mother has tried to repair her relationship with her sister (she's still married to that evil man) at this moment mom is vacationing at their house. I feel betrayed again. She doesn't understand why. pls help.

I have been seeing a psychologist for 17yrs. I have a suportive husband and 4 beautiful children of my own. I want my mother to understand my view, but I believe I must not be saying the right words to her because she doesn't see things from my perspective. any suggestion?

I want to thank everyone for the responses. May god bless all of you for your thoughtful words. The following are answers to your questiions. My mother has 9 other siblings, she was raised by her sister because she was being molested by her step father. 2 of my mother's other sisters told my mom their brother in law tried to force himself on them as well, so she does not doubt what happened to me. I am 30 yrs old. I have forgiven my family a long time ago and put justice in God's hands. I just don't feel it I need these people to be part of my life. Thanks to all of you, I know I'm making the right choice for myself and my family.

Answer 1

You are the one that did the right thing by insisting something be done. It's just a shame that your mother is choosing to not support you.

My sister-in-law is married to a man who has been convicted of stalking and exposing himself to women TWICE!! At the time she had three teenage girls in the house. For whatever reason, she chose to stay with him. My husband and I refuse to do anything with his family if her husband is around. At the time of the second trial, my husbands family begged us to help her out - we offered for her and her daughters to move in with us. She refused and chose to stay with him. The rest of the family decided to just let it go and now act like nothing happened. My husband and I are the only ones to take a stand and we both remain firm. When they ask us why we no longer come to family functions we tell them and they say 'Well, I guess that's your decision.' Nothing we say will make them understand - it's sometimes harder to do what is morally right.

I'm telling you this to let you know that your mother isn't the only person out there who will turn a blind eye. It is easier for her to just accept rather than face the fact that she couldn't or wouldn't protect you. A mother should be the first to defend her child and she should have been the one to get him arrested.

The only thing you can do is let this be a life lesson for you and to not feel betrayed. Know that you overcame what this man did to you and that you are stronger for it. Move on with your life and don't beat yourself up about your mother's betrayal. You are not to blame. Take a stand with your mom and let her know exactly how you feel and why. It is sad that your aunt and mother both looked the other way and were too weak to do the right thing.

Answer 2

I won't pretend to be wise but perhaps I can steer you in the right direction. I know most people think a mother would do anything to protect her child but the reality is that is that many time that isn't true. Your mother and aunt are sisters and they will always be sisters. Right or wrong. Your mother seems to also feel she owes this sister a great deal. Rape and molestation are hard for family members to deal with and the response we want and/or hope isn't always what it should be. I'm not a psychologist but I think you mother thinks she betrayed her sister, after all she raised your mom. You and your mom need to talk to each other. And you both need counseling. There are way too many reasons why you mom doesn't understand your feelings. I know all to well what your going through. Don't let this eat up your life and your soul. Forgive them but don't forget (lots of people think it's the same thing). Love yourself, Your mom, aunt and her husband are the ones that has issues. Reach out to people who can help you. Know that you can't choose the people who are related to you but you can choose people who will love you and you can love. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

Oh man oh man, I'm so, so sorry about this. What a horrible thing to have happen to you, and to feel so violated by someone you trusted. I can totally understand why you want nothing to do with your aunt and her husband, and you shouldn't, not after what they did to you. I would never contact them, never accept contact from them, period. End of that discussion.

Your mom is another story. You love your mom very much, and I'm sure she loves you as well. She also loves her sister. Siblings are the only people on the earth with whom we share a relationship that will never end. Think about it, we can divorce a spouse, our children will grow up and move away--and we'll eventually pass away, but our siblings are the people in our lives who will be there after our parents have died, and after our children have grown and gone. They share our beginnings. Your mom may not want much to do with your uncle (and I hope not) but her sister is another matter entirely, especially since you said she raised your mother. I don't know how right or wrong it is for your mom to want to have a relationship with her sister, maybe she's feeling her age, or her sister is getting older, and wants to mend the fence before someone passes away. Please try to explain your feelings to your mother, and ask for her input as well. I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt you any more than you've already been hurt.

Remember that what happened happened a long time ago, and while I don't want to minimize the impact on your life, there does come a point where you have to tell yourself that this man cannot hurt you anymore, and not allow him to hurt you. I hope this makes sense. You mentioned talking to a state psychologist about this at the time, you may still need to see a therapist to work through this.

I wish you all the best, please try to live a happy life. God bless.

Answer 4

Wow....this is a hard one. First, let me say I am so sorry that you have been treated this way by your own family. It's hard to even imagine.
I don't want to hurt your feeling any more than they have already been hurt, but, I have to be honest with you.
Your Mom doesn't deserve you. She obviously has shown no concern for you, and especially at a time when you needed her most.
I'm glad to hear that you were allowed to press charges on her.
But, you didn't say what her "punishment" was. Evidently she is not where I think she should be. I'm sure that you know I'm talking about ( Jail ).
A Mother's first and foremost duty is to protect her children, and she has failed you miserably.
And to top that off, she is now more concerned with her relationship with the molester, and trying to repair the relationship with her sister, ??? That is just SO wrong on so many different levels.
I'm sorry, but if she doesn't understand why you feel betrayed by now, she probably never will.
In my opinion, you need to go on with your life without your family
I know that sounds harsh, but they have shown no love for you or what you have suffered.
May I suggest that you seek counseling? It just may be the only way for you to get through this.
You are only 23, right? You have time, if you haven't already, to find people to be in your life that will genuinely love you and want to take care of you and your feelings Please surround yourself with those types of people. You NEED to know that you are loved and cared about.
God bless and be with you. My heart truly goes out to you.

Answer 5

My dear lady, I am sorry that you have had to deal with this problem for so long. Your mother may have a bigger problem than you. She didn't protect you as a child and that was very selfish on her part. Just think about it, she picked having a relationship with her sister over protecting and loving you as a mother should. I don't think you will ever be able to convince her about your feelings of betrayal because she doesn't want to consider your feelings, only hers. You are not first in her life and it seems never have been. Just know that Jesus loves you and you are No. 1 with Him and No. 1 in your husband's and children's lives and that can give you great comfort it you let it. Let go and try to rise above your inconsiderate mother, you will not be able to change her. God Bless you and your family.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry. I just don't understand how mothers can stand by and let this happen and not do anything about it. I think that you need to sit your mom down and talk to her. If she doesn't understand why you are upset then maybe you should tell her that you can't be around her. Maybe the time away from you will make her realize that you are more important to her than trying to keep her sister happy. If she doesn't then she is a mother not worth having. Mothers are supposed to love, care for, and protect their children. They are supposed to make their kids feel safe and when something happens, they are supposed to do everything in their power to make it right. It doesn't sound like your mother did those things for you and I'm sorry for that. I'll pray for you. Good luck and God bless

Answer 7

Oh, sweetie, that's awful. Have you gotten any therapy?

You can't change your mom, or get in her head to know what the hell she's thinking. All you can do is take care of yourself. The best way that I know how to do that is with therapy. You need to be able to talk this out with somebody objective.

Is this aunt your mother's only sister? You mentioned that this sister raised your mother. Maybe she's trying to repair one relationship at a time. I know it hurts, but she's probably doing the best she can. What you need to do is move on and start healing. Leave the door open for your mom for when she's ready to repair your relationship if you want to. But for now, she's focused elsewhere. And you need to focus on you.

Find a therapist you feel comfortable with (you may need to "test drive" a couple before you find one you like). There are also many support groups out there, such as:
http://www.ascasupport.org/
http://www.darkness2light.org/GetHelp/support_adult_survivor.asp

I hope this was helpful. I wish you all the best, and hope you can find a way to put this behind you.

Answer 8

JULIE
I AM SORRY TO HEAR THIS...TRULY
I AM A SURVIVOR..I WAS RAPED AT AGE 9 AND IT WAS THE HARDEST THING TO OVERCOME...I SAY RAPE NOT MOLESTED BECAUSE IT WAS BRUTAL.IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE BUT THAT IS ALL IT TOOK TO MAKE ME HATE..4 A LONG TIME...MY PARENTS WERE OUT OF TOWN WHEN IT HAPPENED BUT WHEN THEY COME BACK I COULDN'T GET THEM TO SEE THAT IT HAPPEN. THE DID NOT BELIEVE ME....BUT THAT IS A LONG STORY....
AS 4 YOU I FEEL IT MAKES IT HARD 4 A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER TO BE SO DESPICABLE AS TO DO THIS TO A CHILD,ANY CHILD. I AM SURE U MOM LOVES YOU BUT SHE FEELS OBLIGATED TO HER SISTER WHOM SHE ALSO LOVES. THE BOND BETWEEN SISTERS ARE STRONG.HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR MOM NOW THAT YOU R OLDER. SIT DOWN AND TELL HER THAT AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED THEY NO LONGER EXIST TO U.
HONESTLY IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MOM HAS NOT HAD THE S.O.B. IN YOUR PRESENT FOR 10 YEARS..I UNDERSTAND THAT SHE IS THERE 1000 MILES AWAY FROM YOU, NOT RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.
HAS SHE ALWAYS TAKEN HER SIDE WHEN YOU HAVE TALKED WITH HER ABOUT THIS?
DOES SHE BELIEVE YOU OR THE S.O.B AND HER SISTER?
I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. YOU ARE 23 NOW IF I COUNTED RIGHT.I AM 40 BUT I STILL SEE (MY) S.O.B. AN I DON'T AVOID HIM I WILL NEVER GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION OF THAT. MAYBE THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED, TO FACE THE S.O.B LET HIM KNOW EXACALLY HOW U FEEL ABOUT HIM..YOU NEED TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. WRITE A LETTER,E-MAIL, JUST DONT THREATEN TO HARM HIM
OR WISH HIM HARM....THAT COULD COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU...IF YOU HAVE MY LUCK THE MAN WOULD SHOW UP DEAD AND U COULD BE BLAMED.I TRULY WISH I HAD A BETTER ANSWER 4 YOU, BUT IT IS HARD TO GIVE ADVICE WHEN YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS.LIKE WHAT YOUR MOM'S THOUGHTS ARE ABOUT THIS. DOES SHE OR DOESN'T SHE BELIEVE YOU.
WHY SHE FEELS AFTER 10 YEARS SHE NEEDS TO GO VISIT?
JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND STOP LETTING THAT MAN MOLESTATEST YOU. AND THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS EVERTIME YOU LET HIM UPSET YOU.....
GOOD LUCK AND DON'T LET THIS RULE YOUR WHOLE LIFE...GOD BLESS.
I JUST SEEN THAT YOU ARE MARRIED I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU HAVE A FAMILY, OF YOUR OWN.LET THEM BE YOUR ONLY FAMILY IF SHE CHOICES TO KEEP ON NOT UNDERSTANING YOUR FEELING..
AGAIN GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

What happened to you was awful. I am sure that your mother is probably missing her sister terribly over what has happened. She probably doesn't want much to do with her husband, but just wants to feel the sense of family that having a sister gives. Maybe since you are older, she is just trying to repair some of the relationship with her sister that was destroyed when this happened to you. I don't think she's trying to betray you- I think she is just in a position, probably her age as well, which makes her want to have her "affairs in order" if something would happen to her. (None of us live forever and would feel terrible if we left things unsaid to those we love.)
I think that this particular situation no longer has anything at all to do with YOU, but everything to do with HER. She may need this relationship in her life, even if she hates her own sister's husband. Don't make her feel guilty for wanting to have a relationship with her sister. This doesn't mean that she accepts or agrees with what her husband did to you.
Tell her you love her. Tell her that you don't like the fact that she is going to see the man who abused you, but do tell her that you understand that she still loves her sister. Give her the chance to have a family. You will only have one mother and you won't have her forever. She will feel like you respect her so much more if you are there for her as she ages without judging her for what her brother-in-law did.
You sound like you just need to have some time to absorb all this- take the time while she is away.

Answer 10

I understand your mother doesn't want to ruin a relationship with your "uncle" and her sister, but she needs to understand that this is hurting you and betraying you. Understand that this might very well be your mother's own insecurity that she is trying to deal with, she wants EVERYTHING to be okay with EVERYONE and herself, she probably can't stand the fact that someone out there can actually dislike her. Address the situation to her and explain how you feel. If she doesn't understand, than just step back from it, because often times when things happen in life that are unbearable to face, it is treated as an independent problem for that INDIVIDUAL. I know that isn't right, but your mother is probably in a state where she doesn't want to deal with the fact that her sister's husband is actually someone with those types of intentions. She probably thinks that since it was awhile back, she feels that you might be over it. Just explain to her how you feel. If that doesn't work, than try not to hold it against your mother...Just contain yourself, and stand on your own. I just hope your mother gets it. =)