How can you make your husband help out?

Question

My husband never helps out with my two girls he is the one that works and im the one that stays home with the girls. But as soon as he gets home from work he wants "time for him self" and after he has had time for himself he is on the computer. He doesn't dedicate any time for our daughters and the only thing he does is punish my little girl when she goes near. How can i make him understand that he is being a bad and lousy father? And how can i make start helping at least with the girl? I need time for myself too..

Answer 1

1) you can't make him want to do anything he doesn't want to do. 2) you can have fun with the girls while he is around and make him realize (without saying anything) that he's missing out, and gently invite him to join in the fun- invade the computer area with tickles and giggles. make masks to wear and go play with him for a few seconds even if he "isn't in the mood," then leave just as quickly. bring him a dish of ice cream or his favorite treat 3) If you say anything critical or disparraging he will retreat further into whatever shell he's in. (e.g. calling him a bad and lousy father) 4) if you compliment him when he does something nice he'll want to do more. 5) if he is on the computer and just putzing around like playing games or something, after the kids are in bed, why don't you throw yourself at him - I mean SEX. Do it your way, do it his way, try a new way. If that doesn't draw him out from the computer, nothing will. I think a guy who spends time on the computer may be doing it to compensate for feeling lonely and inadequate, what I guy wants is praise, not nagging 6) maybe he's retreating because he's afraid he'll screw up with the kids and hurt them and he's frustrated because you've given him a bad time about it already, he doesn't want to hear that. 7) flylady.net will help you start and keep routines that are habit-forming and will help you deal with being alone in trying to raise the kids, and will also help you make time for him, which is what he really wants even if he won't ask for anything.

Answer 2

Forcing him to help will only make him resentful and then your daughters may misunderstand and feel he doesn't like them. (While he might not care for them, it's not good to advertise it and make the girls feel worse.)

However, you do need time for yourself too. He should be giving some attention to children, wife, and family.

Try talking to him on a day he isn't working and isn't upset about something. Use "I" statements instead of "you" so it does not seem like an attack. If you can, get the book "Crucial Conversations". It's great at helping get things sorted out.

If the pattern is fairly well developed, you may need family counseling. If he won't go, then go without him and you may still get some useful skills to turn this around. Consider the possibility that there is something going on outside of family life that is causing him to act this way. Work issues? An affair? Midlife crisis?

Good luck!

Answer 3

The first thing I would do is to schedule 2 family nights per week, even if it is something as simple as going out for ice cream.
Get him in the habit and establish some family time rituals. Once this is accomplished I would TELL him that you are having a girls night out at least once a month.
One more thing that seems to be an eyeopener with my husband- if he slacks off and doesn't help out ( both of us work) then I go on strike for a few days.

Answer 4

Well girlfriend I sympathize with you being a single parent myself you have to be dressed one day when he gets home of course make sure dinner is ready and let him stay with the girls and go get yourself a pedicure or your hair done because you did'nt make the girls on your own...it takes two to tangle...If he has time to surf the net then he has to have time for you too and the girls. He is being selfish and yes he is the one who works but remember the womans work is never done we work as hard at home with the cooking, cleaning, ironing, grocery shopping as the list goes on by the time we find time for ourselves we are poooped just wanna sleep..try to talk to him if that does'nt work like I said be ready and out the door as soon as he gets home suprise him that should work???good luck mama...India

Answer 5

My best advice, do what I did. Just tell him when he gets home that you are going out. Don't give him a choice. Just go. Go to the library or just window shop for an hour or more if you're not comfortable leaving for a long period of time. It might open his eyes to exactly what you do all day long... gee maybe he'll realize that being a stay at home mom doesn't mean you lounge around and watch soaps all day!

Answer 6

Hello
I don’t think he is trying to be a bad and lousy father.
It sounds like he’s trying to be a good provider.
In today’s world it’s hard, on both spouses.
It sounds like you both need time together, not along.
Make a date with your husband, and then very nicely fell
Him in on what’s been happening in the girl’s life.
What ever you do, do not complain, your husband works
hard to provide for you and the girls and he needs praise not
complaints. In time with your help, he will come to realize
he is a good provider and he will become a good father.
Thank you
afewgoodmen

Answer 7

You really have more than one problem. First, you have a husband who only thinks of himself and only does what he wants to do. Second, you have a husband who doesn't take fatherhood seriously or enjoy it. Girls need their dads just as much as boys do. You might tell your husband that girls get their image of men from their fathers.He is their example of how men are. They may choose a man just like him. Does he want them to have husbands who don't do anything with their children? Does he want them to marry selfish men? You might point out to him how much they love him and need him in their lives. You might suggest that he make time to read to them before bed or help them with their homework. If he won't change, you need to get some counseling. Go alone, if he refuses. It will empower you. That will benefit your daughters. Every girl needs a mother who is strong enough to take charge of her own life.

Answer 8

You can't make a man do anything... you have to know that first of all. You have to trick them. Make him think that spending time with you and the kids is his idea.

Sit down with him and tell him how you feel. You can't expect him to know how you feel unless you tell him.

Get a babysitter and go on a date with your husband, that will be a good chance for you to talk to him. DONT NAG or CRY. If you start crying, he'll stop listening. Use this date as a chance to reconnect with him... maybe that will help.

good luck

Answer 9

By refusing to put up with his checked out way of doing things. Simply take yourself out, sometime when he's on the computer grab the keys and say hey its your turn to take care of YOUR daughters i'm going out for a while. He's going to continue behaving this way as long as you continue to tolerate it. Tell him if he didn't want kids he should have let you know before you had them but tough beans now he has them and he WILL step up to the plate and be a father or he will be replaced.

Answer 10

Wow, I feel bad for you. What a way to live!

You need to have a chat with this guy. Tell him as calmly & rationally as possible that this behavior is not acceptable. Tell him what you expect from him as a partner & father. If he can't or won't do what is necessary, then you need to ask yourself a question. The famous Dear Abby, "Am I better off with or without him?"

He sounds like a selfish bast!ard. I recommend marriage counseling and possibly family counseling, as well. If he won't go with you, go yourself. You need to figure out why you're putting up with this nonsense, and then you need to figure out what to do about it.

You and your girls deserve better. Much luck to you.