Should i lose my virginity?

Question

i am 16 and i have been with my bf for almost 5 months now. I love him with all of my heart and trust him completely. i know he will love me the same if i have sex with him or if i dont and i feel ready, but i dont know what to do. I know that once you lose it, it wont come back. Do you think im doing this too soon?

Answer 1

If you're seriously asking people on Yahoo Answers, then I think you should wait. if you think you're ready but you don't know what to do, then you're not ready. It probably won't be that great anyways and 5 months is a just a blink of an eye in the larger scheme of your life.

Answer 2

It will be difficult for you two to wait if you want to have sex - but if there is any way to do it, then you should!

Wait until you can have it completely set up - beautiful honeymoon, beautiful wedding, beaing able to wake up next to the man you love and know that you will get to every day from now on ~

wait until you guys have worked for an fulfilled some of your dreams ~ a long build up will only make it better.
You have only been dating him for five months ~

wait until he can ask you to marry him, or it will be someone else asking you to marry them down the line and you will not be able to give them your verginity - you will have already given it.
Why would men seek after something they only wanted a little bit - let the man who asks you to marry him (and gives you a honking ring!)have the honor of your verginity. It's YOUR prize posession - honor and value it highly!!! Give it to the man who wants you for the rest of his life, AND can carry that out now - (not in two or four years)

Answer 3

I'm not here to write a novel so I'll keep it short: it sounds like you're not ready. It's okay to wait. Five months is nothing. Wait until you're at the point where you don't have to ask others if it's too soon.

Answer 4

forget it. u can still do other things and not lose it to a boy u will probably not be with in a few months at most. u have your whole life ahead of u. it's a one time thing. u may as well choose the timing carefully

Answer 5

at 16 your a little young you should wait and 5 months is not that long, wait until you get married

Answer 6

It is a serious chose to make, regardless of age. Keep in mind, you are young and hormones are going every which way making these life altering choices difficult. What ever you do, make sure its your choice and not something you feel pressured to do.

Answer 7

What's the hurry? If you say you love him, and that he loves you, and that sex wouldn't change things, then why do it?

Don't rush into the adult world unless you are willing to face the adult consequences.

Answer 8

If you're not sure, then yes. What's to be lost by waiting a little while longer? But if you're sure you want to then go for it.

Answer 9

nooooooooooo, bcuz when u do it with him.. he will change..

Answer 10

No you need to wait.
History teaches us that people believe what they want to hear. Lies can sound so true when people are starving for truth. Even whole societies will feast on their promises . The Inquisition was based on the lie that some people could force other people to change their religious beliefs. American colonists believed the lie that people of one race had the right to own, buy and sell people of another race. More recently, hundreds of thousands of people believed Hitler's lie that the Jewish race should be eradicated. Most of us can hardly imagine that anyone could have believed these lies. And yet we swallow other lies all the time.

Our society is starving for intimacy. And many of the lies we believe in our culture have to do with our hunger for relationship. We want acceptance, loving relationships and deep intimacy, and yet we believe the lie that sex will satisfy our hunger. It's true that we are profoundly sexual beings, but it's time to examine some of the lies we feast on: the lie that premarital sex is one of our unalienable rights, the lie that sexual intercourse is the route to intimacy, and the lie that premarital abstinence is obsolete at best and repressive at worst. These are all lies.

We have bought into these lies because we are a starving people. We are people who long to be loved, touched and understood in a world of declining family ties and epidemic dysfunction. Our desires are certainly not new; they are as old as humanity. The difference in our world today is that people are trying to fulfill these longings in strange ways: through machines (TVs, mp3 players, and computers), through sports, material possessions, institutions and sex. Especially through sex. "Try it just once and you'll be fulfilled." "Go for variety and you won't be bored." "A life without sex is a life without belonging." Sexual experience has become a personal right, a need to be met and a norm to be accepted.

The tragedy of all this is that people are dying of emotional starvation, and they are looking for food in the wrong places. I would like to identify seven lies that our society is making about sex. The truth is that sex outside of marriage is not all it's cracked up to be. There is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

Lie #1: Sex creates intimacy. Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the means to intimacy. True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional communion. True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love and freedom. True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter. Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs. A prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly intimate.

Premarital sexual intercourse may actually hinder intimacy. Donald Joy writes that indulging in sexual intercourse prematurely short-circuits the emotional bonding process. He cites one study of 100,000 women that links early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and a prevalence of low self-esteem (Christianity Today, October 3, 1986).

Lie #2: Starting sex early in a relationship will help you get to know one another and become better partners later. Sexual intercourse and extensive physical exploration early in a relationship do not reflect sex at its best. Of course there is sensual pleasure for those who engage in premarital sexual experiences, but they are missing out on the best route to marital happiness. Sex is an art that is learned best in the safe environment of marriage. I met with one student whose disappointment with her sexual encounters prompted her to overcome great embarrassment and ask me point blank: "Is sex in marriage as bad as it is outside of marriage?" She had arrived at the end of the rainbow, looking for the promised pot of gold, and she had found only disillusionment.

When unrestrained physical intimacy dominates a relationship, other parts of that relationship suffer. In healthy marriages, sex takes its natural place beside the intellectual, emotional and practical aspects of life. Married couples spend less time in bed than they do in conversation, in problem solving, and in emotional communion. The lie that premarital sex prepares you for marriage denies the fact that sexual happiness grows only through years of intimate relationship. The height of sexual pleasure, psychologists tell us, usually comes after ten to twenty years of marriage.

Good sex begins in the head. It depends on intimate knowledge of your partner. The Bible uses the words "to know" to describe sexual intercourse: "Adam knew his wife Eve and she conceived . . ." (Genesis 4:1, NRSV). This choice of words elevates human sexuality from mere animal sex where availability is the main requirement to a full, intimate expression of love and commitment.

Lie #3: Casual sex without long-term commitments is both fun and freeing. Those who settle for short-term sexual relationships are settling for second-best sex. Journalist George Leonard observed that "casual recreational sex is hardly a feast - not even a good hearty sandwich. It is a diet of fast food served in plastic containers. Life's feast is available only to those who are willing and able to engage life on a deeply personal level, giving all, holding back nothing." (Quoted by Joyce Huggett in Dating, Sex & Friendship, InterVarsity Press, p. 82.) For a woman, particularly, sex can reveal hidden fears and lack of trust. Good sex - which can be a healing agent over time - requires trust, trust which grows best in the context of the life-long commitment of marriage.

Lie #4: If you don't express your sexuality freely, you must be repressed, sick or prudish. This can be a very intimidating lie, but the facts are that premature sex is bad for your emotional, physical and cultural health. The February 1991 issue of the journal Pediatrics reported that researchers at Indiana University found that sexually active teenagers are more likely to be prone to alcohol abuse and illegal drugs, and are more likely to have trouble in school. They reported that sexually active girls were more likely to be depressed, have low self esteem, feel lonely or attempt suicide.

Premarital sex may be bad for the emotional health of your future marriage. It lays the groundwork for comparisons, suspicions, and mistrust. "Am I as attractive (or as sexually stimulating) as his last partner?" "If she didn't wait for me before we were married, why do I think she will settle for only me now?" "If someone better comes along, will I be left in the dust?"

Premarital sex is also bad for your physical health. Sexually transmitted diseases have received abundant attention from the press in recent years. Equal time has not been given to the opinion held by many medical experts that extra-marital abstinence is without a doubt the best way to avoid these diseases.

Sexual promiscuity is even bad for the health of our civilization. One study of more than eighty societies ranging in development from ancient to primitive to more modern revealed "an unvarying correlation between the degree of sexual restraints and the rate of social progress. Cultures that were more sexually permissive displayed less cultural energy, creativity, intellectual development and individualism, and a slower general cultural ascent . . ." (Reo Christenson, Christianity Today, February 19, 1982). Why, then, do we, as individuals and as a society, trade our energy, creativity, and intellectual development for momentary sexual pleasure? Because we have believed a lie.

Lie #5: Sex is freedom. Premarital sex is hardly an expression of freedom. Young people who become sexually active in response to peer pressure to be sophisticated and independent are actually becoming victims of current public opinion. No one is really free who engages in any activity in order to impress the majority.

Lie #6: Surely God understands that this is the twentieth century! How can what society says is okay be wrong? Scripture is clear that sexual intercourse outside the bonds of marriage is sin. Even if we had no other evidence, God's word makes it clear that intercourse outside of marriage is not only outside our best interests, but it is also wrong. In his seventh commandment to the Israelites, God said "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14). Jesus was even more inclusive when he described the evil within men's hearts, including "sexual immorality" (Mark 7:21). Paul exhorted the Corinthians to "flee from sexual immorality" (see 1 Corinthians 6:18-19), and to the Ephesians he said that there must not be among them even a "hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people" (Ephesians 5:3). The writer of the letter to the Hebrews wrote, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" (Hebrews 13:4).

I do not believe that God gave these rules because he is a spoil-sport. Quite the contrary. Because God created us and because he loves us more than we can ever know, he has told us how to have the best, most satisfying sexual experiences: in marriage. That's where sex is fun! Premarital abstinence and marital faithfulness is not a denial of my rights or my pleasures. It is choosing to experience sex in the healthiest, happiest context.

Lie #7: Why wait? How can you know for sure that waiting is best? Maybe sex isn't worth the wait. Maybe it's best to take the opportunities you have now. Obedience to God's commands includes trusting him to know what's best for us, even if we don't fully grasp his reasons. The choices we make in our sexual behavior require faith in truths we may not understand. God required the Israelites to obey dozens of laws, many of which were good for their health even though they didn't know why. Look at one example in Leviticus 15:2, 9-10: "When any man has a bodily discharge, the discharge is unclean. . . . Everything the man sits on while riding will be unclean." Thousands of years ago, no one had heard of germs and micro-organisms that carry disease. If some young man had complained about God's unfairness in not letting him ride the same horse as his friend who had the discharge, could he have understood if God had explained venereal disease to him in scientific detail? Not likely. Likewise, there are spiritual, emotional, physical and psychological reasons why God has limited sexual intercourse to the marriage bed. Some of those reasons are beyond our understanding. We simply must believe that God knows what is best for us.

When we live within the confines of God's limits, we live by faith in a loving God. Sexual purity is, in the final analysis, an expression of our confidence in God's goodness, an indication of our trust in Jesus. "You are my friends," Jesus said, "if you do what I command" (John 15:14). "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1). Living by faith means applying this definition of faith to the situation at hand. We exercise faith and obedience, not because of what we know, but because of the person we love, Jesus himself. The truth that sex is best within the context of marriage cannot be proven ahead of time. But we can learn from those who have already made their choices. I asked my friend Liz, a psychotherapist, "How often do you see clients who wish they had not explored their sexuality so much before marriage?" "Oh, very often," she answered. Then I asked, "And how often do you have clients who wish they had gone further in physical intimacy before marriage?" Her eyes widened, and she looked at me with surprise as she answered emphatically, "Never!" This is one of life's great faith issues.

If you decide to wait, it will take great courage and strength. If you decide not to wait, you will never know what you missed. You cannot have it both ways. No one can prove that premarital abstinence works. I believe that medical, psychological, and sociological evidence strongly supports the position that sex outside of marriage is not good for us. But in the final analysis, it is an issue of faith. For Christian men and women at the end of the twentieth century, the choices we make in our sexual behavior may be one of the main ways God calls us to believe. Do we dare to be different? Do we dare to believe the truth of God's Word even though it contradicts most of the lies surrounding us? I believe that God is calling us to this kind of radical faith. I know, you thought the day would never come—the day when I would tell you why not to have sex. Not to worry, this is a one-time thing. However, it is an important thing, because sometimes you just have to say no…and that can be pretty ******* hard to do.

1. You should wait if…you don’t have protection.

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I think this one is pretty much a given. It’s true most college girls are more likely to have a two hundred dollar pair of jeans in their room than a free condom, and yes, it is easy to get caught up in the moment. However, if you are a sexually active college student, you have probably been through a pregnancy scare or two, and tell me, is that period of waiting worth it? No. Even if it’s only the 4.2 minutes you spend waiting to see if the pink plus sign shows up, those 4.2 minutes could easily be the most stressful in your life.

2. You should wait if…you really like the person.

"Ex-sex can be great, but it can also make you feel dumber than Britney Spears in a car chase with her child in her lap."

If you find someone who you really like, the best thing I can tell you to do is wait. I’m not talking about waiting until marriage, or even waiting six months, but give it a little while. The build-up is worth it.

Imagine if the best part of a movie were in the first five minutes…what would there be to look forward to? They call it the climax for a reason.

3. You should wait if…you think the other person likes you too much.

This is true for guys especially. If you think a girl is really into you, you may actually be saving yourself a **** load of trouble by politely declining penetration. Picture this: ten o’clock the next morning rolls around, and you wake up sweaty and cramped. You always forget how much more comfortable your single bed is when you are having sex in it. You try to remember why you were feeling this girl and then you remember…you were into her last night, firstly, because you knew you were about to laid, and afterwards because…well, you just got laid.

So you’re lying there trying to think of any excuse to get her out of your bed, and she’s giving you bedroom eyes so bad that you are afraid she can actually read your mind. Next time just say no.

4. You should wait if…you are already seeing someone, and it’s not the person you are about to sleep with.

First of all, cheating is such a dick move. Literally, you are only thinking with your penis, or vagina for that matter, in wanting the dick so badly that one can’t satisfy you. It is a lot easier to not have sex with someone than it is to actually go through with the act of it.

On the one hand, you go through with the illegitimate sex. You had to undress, and possibly undress someone else. You then proceeded to “exercise” for ten minutes…okay five, when you normally complain about walking up a flight of stairs. You then have to re-dress and spend the next week or however long stressing about whether to tell or not to tell, whether the other person will tell, and how you are now failing a class because you’ve been too stressed to do work.

On the other hand, you don’t go through with the illegitimate sex. You don’t have to undress or undress anyone else, you don’t have to exercise, you don’t have to freak out, and you’re not failing a class. Your choice.

5. You should wait if…the person you are about to sleep with is an ex.

This can cause all sorts of problems. Ex-sex can be great, I’m sure, but it can also cause a black hole of hell to break open and ruin your life. Chances are, as soon as your genitals stop interacting, you are either going to feel completely assholish, taken advantage of, or dumber than Britney Spears in a car chase with her child in her lap.

This being said, you will probably get so drunk and horny one time that you forget to use a condom, fall for someone so badly that you jump them in the bathroom of the airplane you met them on, have wild sex with someone you know wants to bear your children and then completely regret it, cheat on someone and then freak out about it because that is what happens, and sleep with your ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend because it’s hard to remember why you broke up with them when you are mid-thrust…just don’t get mad when I say I told you so.
Crucial moral battles are being fought in our culture. Nowhere is this seen more vividly than in the present sexual attitudes and behaviors of Americans. The average young person experiences many pressures in the formation of personal sexual standards and behavior.

The fact that some standard must be chosen cannot be ignored. Sex is here to stay, and it remains a very basic force in our lives. We cannot ignore its presence any more than we can ignore other ordinary human drives.

This essay explores contemporary sexual perspectives within a biblical framework. Each of us needs to think through the implications of sexual alternatives and choose a personal sexual ethic based on intellectual and Christian factors, not merely biological, emotional, or social ones.

Sex and Love

Before we begin our survey of various perspectives, we need to face squarely the relationship of the physical act of sexual intercourse to the more intangible aspects of a meaningful relationship between two human beings.

Is having sex really making love? Modern case studies, psychological insights, church teachings, and biblical premises all seem to suggest not. As psychoanalyst Erich Fromm puts it, "To love a person productively implies to care and to feel responsible for his life, not only for his physical powers but for the growth and development of all his human powers."(1)

If sex is merely a physical thing, then masturbation or other forms of autoeroticism should provide true and complete sexual satisfaction. Such is not the case. Alternatives to normal sexual intercourse may satisfy physically, but not emotionally. Meaningful sexual activity involves the physical union of a man and a woman in a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy.

Every normal person has the physical desire for sexual activity accompanied with a desire to know and be known, to love and be loved. Both desires make up the real quest for intimacy in a relationship; sexual intercourse represents only one ingredient that allows us to experience true intimacy.

A maximum sexual relationship exists where mutual communication, understanding, affection, and trust have formed, and two people have lastingly committed themselves to each other in a permanent relationship. The more of these qualities that are present, the deeper the intimacy and the more meaningful the relationship. It becomes more valuable as time passes because it is one of a kind-- unique. To spread the intimacy around through a variety of sexual liaisons destroys the accumulated value of the previous relationship(s) and dilutes and scatters (in little doses to a number of people) what one has to give.

A real challenge faces young people today. Given the choice between hamburger at five o'clock or filet mignon at seven-thirty, are there any good reasons to forego the hamburger and wait for the filet? Why not both? Why not take the hamburger now and the filet later?

The latter attitude is precisely the rationale of those who encourage sexual activity outside of marriage. But it is not possible to have both without encountering problems later. Too many hamburgers ruin one's taste and appreciation for filet and tend to turn filet into hamburger as well!

Contemporary Arguments for Premarital Sex

Now we will begin to consider the arguments that are presented to justify sexual activity before and outside of marriage. We will analyze the arguments briefly and explore the general implications of each rationale so that you can decide which will provide the best path for your future.

Biological Argument

Perhaps the most common reason used to justify premarital sexual activity is that the sex drive is a basic biological one. The argument is as old as the Bible, where Paul states in 1 Corinthians 6:13, "Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food." The Corinthians were using the biological argument to justify their immorality, but Paul explained that the analogy to the sex appetite was (and is) fallacious. Humans cannot live without food, air, or water. But we can live without sex.

Nature says several things on this point. First, God has built into the natural world a mechanism for sexual release: nocturnal emissions, or orgasmic release during dreams. Second, nature rejects human promiscuity, as the growing problem of sexually- transmitted diseases makes abundantly clear.

Couples who confine sex to their marriage partners face no such danger from disease. Further, we can safely conclude that abstinence does not impair one's health. Sociologist Robert Bell quips, "There appear to be no records of males hospitalized because girls refused to provide sexual outlets." (2)

While recognizing that human beings share many common characteristics with animals, we do not find comparable sexual behavioral patterns in the animal world. Human sexuality is unique in that it includes, but transcends, physical reproductive elements. It reaches an intimacy unknown among animals. Humans are different from animals.

Statistical Argument

A second popular argument reasons that everyone is doing it. First, we must categorically emphasize that this is not a true statement. A recent study (1991) of college freshmen shows that "about two- thirds of men (66.3 percent) and slightly more than one-third of the women (37.9 percent) support the idea of sex between people who have known each other only for a short time."(3) As sobering as such statistics may be, they obviously indicate that not everyone is sexually active.

Further, statistics do not establish moral values. Is something right because it happens frequently or because many people believe it? A primitive tribe may have a 100 percent majority consensus that cannibalism is right! Does that make it right? A majority can be wrong. If a society sets the standards, those standards are subject to change with the whim and will of the majority. In one generation slavery may be right and abortion wrong, as in early nineteenth-century America; but in another generation, abortion is in and slavery is out, as today.

There are enough young people in any school or community who prefer to wait until marriage that the young person who wants to wait has plenty of company.(4) Each person must decide where he or she wants to be in a given statistical analysis of current sexual mores and behavior.

Proof of Love

A third argument suggests that sexual activity tests or provides proof of love. Supposedly, it symbolizes how much the other cares. One therefore exerts pressure on the more reluctant partner to demonstrate a certain level of care. Reluctant partners succumbing to this pressure often do so with an underlying hope that it will somehow cement the relationship and discourage the other partner from searching elsewhere for a less hesitant friend.

Any person who insists on making sex the ultimate proof of a genuine relationship isn't saying "I love you," but rather "I love it." True love concerns itself with the well-being of the other person and would not interpret sexual hesitation in such a selfish way. Furthermore, the person adopting this practice develops a pattern of demonstrating love by purely sexual responsiveness. Ultimately he or she enters marriage with something of a distortion as to what real intimacy means, to say nothing of having to deal with the memories of previous loves. Some behaviors are irreversible, and this process is like trying to unscramble an egg. Once it's done, it's done.

The broader perspective sees sex as an integral and important part of a meaningful relationship but not the totality of it.

Remembering this will help any individual to make the right decision to refrain from sexual involvement if a potential partner puts on the pressure to make sex the test of a meaningful relationship.

Psychological Argument

The psychological argument is also a popular one and is closely tied to the biological argument previously discussed. Here's the question: Is sexual restraint bad for you?

Sublimating one's sex drive is not unhealthy. In sublimation the processes of sexual and aggressive energy are displaced by nonsexual and nondestructive goals.

But guilt, unlike sublimation, can produce devastating results in human behavior. It is anger turned inward, producing depression, a lowered self-esteem, and fatigue. Further, chastity and virginity contribute very little to sexual problems. Unsatisfying relationships, guilt, hostility toward the opposite sex, and low self-esteem do. In short, there are no scars where there have been no wounds.

In this hedonistic society, some persons need no further justification for sexual activity beyond the fact that it's fun. "If it feels good, do it!" says the bumper sticker. But the fun syndrome forces us to sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate.

The sex act itself is no guarantee of fun. Initial sex experiences outside of marriage are often disappointing because of high anxiety and guilt levels. Fear of discovery, haste, and lack of commitment and communication all combine to spoil some of the fun. Further, there is no way to avoid the exploitation of someone in the relationship if it's just for fun. Sometimes one person's pleasure is another's pain. No one likes to be or feel used.

Marilyn Monroe was a sex symbol for millions. She said, "People took a lot for granted; not only could they be friendly, but they could suddenly get overly friendly and expect an awful lot for a very little."(5) She felt used. She died naked and alone, with an empty bottle of sleeping pills beside a silent telephone. Was the fame and fun worth it? Evidently she thought not.

Experiential Argument

This perspective emphasizes a desire on the part of an individual not to appear like a sexual novice on the wedding night. One answer to this is to have enough sexual experience prior to marriage so that one brings practice, not theory to the initial sexual encounter in marriage. But the body was designed to perform sexually and will do so given the opportunity.

This is not to say that sexual skill cannot be gained through experience. It is to say that every skill acquired by humans must have a beginning point. If the idea of two virgins on their wedding night brings amusement to our minds instead of admiration, it is actually a sad commentary on how far we have slipped as individuals and as a culture.

It must be emphasized again that healthy sexual adjustment depends much more on communication than technique. World-famous sex therapists Masters and Johnson found:

Nothing good is going to happen in bed between a husband and wife unless good things have been happening between them before they go into bed. There is no way for a good sexual technique to remedy a poor emotional relationship.(5)

In other words, a deeply-committed couple with no sexual experience is far ahead of a sexually-experienced couple with shallow and tentative commitment, as far as the marriage's future sexual success is concerned.

Compatibility Argument

A corollary to the experiential argument is the one of compatibility. The idea is, How will I know if the shoe fits unless first I try it on? A foot stays about the same size, but the human sex organs are wonderfully stretchable and adaptable. A woman's vagina can enlarge to accommodate the birth of a baby or to fit a male organ of any size. Physical compatibility is 99 percent guaranteed, and the other 1 percent can become so with medical consultation and assistance.

Of greater importance is to test person-to-person compatibility. Sexual dysfunction in young people is usually psychologically based. Building bridges of love and mutual care in the non-physical facets of the relationship are the sure roads to a honeymoon that can last a lifetime.

Contraceptive Argument

The contraceptive argument supposedly takes the fear of pregnancy out of sexual activity and gives moderns a virtual green light. Actually, the light is at most pale green and perhaps only yellow. The simple fact is that pregnancy (along with sexually-transmitted diseases) remains a possibility.

Beyond the question of contraceptive use is the entire area of unwanted children. There are no good alternatives for children born out of wedlock. Do we have the right to deprive children of life or a secure family setting and loving parents to supply their basic needs? Ironically, even severely battered children choose to be with their parents over other alternatives. Parental love and security are highly prized.

Sexual intimacy between a man and a woman is not exclusively their private affair. Sexual intercourse must take place with a view toward facing the consequences. The time of moral decision in sexual matters comes before one decides to have sex with someone, not later when unforeseen circumstances take things the wrong way.

Marital Argument

Perhaps the most prominent argument for premarital sex among Christians is the marital argument, which says, "We are in love and plan to marry soon. Why should we wait?"

Dr. Howard Hendricks, an authority on the family, comments that the best way to mortgage your marriage is to play around at the door of marriage.(7) Loss of respect and intensity of feelings may occur, as well as guilt and dissatisfaction. Restraint for a time adds excitement to the relationship and makes the honeymoon something very special, not a continuation of already-established patterns. Some couples also see little value in a public declaration of marital intent. Or they may think the formality of a wedding is the equivalent of dogma. Those who prefer no public declaration but rather seek anonymity may be saying something about the depth (or lack thereof) of their commitment to one another. Do they have their fingers crossed?

Contemporary studies indicate that the marital argument is not sound. Of 100 couples who cohabit, 40 break up before they marry. Of the 60 who marry, 45 divorce--leaving only 15 of 100 with a lasting marriage. Thus, cohabitation has two negative effects: it sharply reduces the number who marry, and dramatically increases the divorce rate of those who do.(8)

Engaged couples, according to Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:36-37, should either control their sexual drives or marry. Intercourse, then, is not proper for engaged couples. They should either keep their emotions in check or marry.

Conclusion

We have examined some of the major arguments used to justify premarital sex. If these are the strongest defenses of sex outside of marriage, the case is weak. Our brief trek through the wilderness of contemporary sexual ideas has led to some virtual dead ends.

There are good reasons to make a commitment to limit our sexual experience to a time when the sex act can be reinforced in a context of permanent love and care. From this perspective, virginity is not viewed as something that must be eliminated as soon as possible, but as a gift to treasure and save for a special and unique person.

The biblical standard that puts sex within the fidelity and security of marriage is the most responsible code that has ever been developed. You are justified in following it without apology as the best standard for protecting human, moral, and Christian values that has been devised.

Some reading this may have already had sexual experience outside of marriage. The data we have discussed is not intended to condemn or produce guilt.

The good news is that Jesus Christ came for the expressed purpose of forgiving our sins, sexual and all other. Jesus, who is the same yesterday, today, and forever, will forgive us. The real question now is, What shall we do with the future? Christ can cleanse the past, but He expects us to respond to the light He gives us. Hopefully this discussion will help you strengthen your convictions with regard to sexual decisions and behavior in the days ahead. As the adage says, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Why wait to have sex?

Now before you get all your defenses up, let me tell you a story.

I can still remember the screeching of tires out in front of our apartment. My wife looked around for our toddler and then rushed outside. There he was in the middle of the boulevard, safe and sound, oblivious to the fact that a two ton car had come very close to splattering him across the pavement. Small wonder parents say, "No, no, no," and slap our little hands and build fences with locked gates. Small wonder.

Why wait to have sex until you're married? Is God some kind of cosmic spoil-sport who always says no to fun things? No, but he's a Father, and he's seen too many of his beloved children end up broken from playing in the street. Parents have reasons--good reasons--for saying no.

If God were on the earth in the 90s, and you asked him why, he'd probably give you lots of excellent reasons. Let's try to figure out a few.
Awesome Link

Why wait? Because sex is the awesome link human beings have to creating other human beings. Sex is awesome, when you think about it. There's always the chance that from a coupling a child will come to be. You know, the miracle of tiny, little grasping fingers and a red, scrunched up face, and all the parts that work. Babies come from sex. And since we place such a high value on human life, then we don't degrade or devalue what causes human life. We guard and protect it. We build fences around it for the sake of babies. Cute, vulnerable babies.

Oh, yes, I've heard about birth control. But I also know that one fifth of the babies born to Anglo mothers in this country don't have married parents. I also know that one out of every four babies conceived in this country ends up aborted, unwanted. Yes, I know about birth control, and I know that it isn't an adequate fence to keep children from getting hurt in the street.

So if I were God, I probably say, wait until you're married because sex causes babies, and babies do better with two parents who love each other and love their baby.
Condoms

Condoms are the rage these days. Why? To protect against pregnancy? I suppose, though they're said to be only 70% effective. But the real reason is that condoms are touted as the key to "safe sex." AIDS is now moving into the heterosexual population, and you can be infected and not have symptoms you recognize for years. So can your sex partner, for that matter. Scary. So, if you wear a condom, you protect yourself against AIDS. Seventy percent of the time, maybe. (HIV is much tinier than sperm, they say). There is another way to protect yourself. Get yourself tested for HIV and have your sex partner get tested, and then only have sex only with each other. Monogamy? Marriage? Hmm ... Sounds like something God might suggest.
Divorce

When people go to the county courthouse to get a marriage license it's terrifying to find out that for every 100 people are getting married, 50 people may be getting a divorce. Why get married, people ask, if the chances of failure are so high? So people live together. They don't usually say, "Let's live together and if we like it we'll get married," but they're probably thinking it--at least the women are. We'll try it out, they tell themselves, and if we don't get along, we can always get out of this without getting hurt so badly. Right.

Do "trial marriages" really improve your chance of a lasting marriage? I wanted to find out so I spent an afternoon in a university library looking up the results of sociological studies. Do you know what I found? Out of a dozen studies, all said living together didn't improve prospects for a lasting marriage, and several found that people who had lived together before marriage had a worse chance of a lasting marriage than those who waited.

I guess God must have studied sociology somewhere along the line.
Kids Aren't Stupid

I remember a young mother--Cynthia, I'll call her-- whose husband left her for someone new. She was devastated, but tried to make the best of it with her two beautiful children. Then Cynthia fell in love with a man she would never marry--he didn't share her values. But she needed someone to love her and hold her. And so he moved into her apartment one day. I understand why Cynthia did it, but I grieve for her children. What is she teaching them about marriage? What is she teaching them about commitment? When they're old enough to be swept along on the tides of passion, can she ever say to them, "Wait"? Not convincingly. Kids's aren't stupid. Just vulnerable. Like Cynthia, only more so.
Test Drive

"I'm scared," a woman considering marriage once told me. "I've never married a man I didn't sleep with first. What if ..." She didn't finish the sentence, but I knew what she meant. What if he's not good in bed? You wouldn't buy a car you haven't taken for a test drive, would you? When you're shopping for cars you go to lots all over town and try scores of cars before you fall in love with "that special car." Cars don't mind. In fact, cars do well getting broken in for the first 500 miles or so. It doesn't matter who drives them so long as they're good drivers.

Yes, but cars aren't people. Sex is not a casual joyride. Our sexuality is part of our core personhood. It's not a game, it's for real. The Bible says it this way: "Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, `The two will become one flesh.'"[1] When we pretend that sex is just an animal instinct that must be fulfilled, we get messed up in our core identity. Sex is part of the real us, and when we keep giving away the real us we end up empty.

Biological sexual function isn't the thing you want to worry about. It works just fine. It's personhood that matters.

Cars thrive on speed. People are intricately made. And fragile. People are like delicate porcelain bells that ring with a clear, distinct tone unless they fall and crack. Handle with care, God would probably say we were talking to him today.
No and Yes

Yes, God would say, wait. But now you realize that he's not just being an old fuddy-duddy. He's saying wait because he loves you, because the chances of anything else working out without hurting you--and your partner--aren't worth taking. But I didn't wait, maybe you respond. What about me? I have been hurt. I am messed up in my head. I have sinned, I guess you'd say. How would God treat me if he knew? (If he knew? you ask?) We have a window into God's compassion when we look at Jesus. One day his enemies brought him a woman they had surprised in the very act of adultery. What punishment does she deserve? they sneered at him, trying to trick him into getting caught between compassion and law. Jesus paused--a long pause. And then he looked up at those angry, self- righteous men. "Let the one of you who is without sin throw the first stone at her," he said. One by one, they faded into the crowd until they were all gone. Then Jesus looked up at the woman with deep compassion in his eyes. "I don't condemn you," he said gently. "You can go now, and ... and don't sin any more."[2] No to what hurts you, but an affirming yes to the real you. Jesus understands. Jesus forgives and gives you a second chance and a third and a fourth. And he heals life's hurts. Jesus, you know, is God.

So parents still put up fences next to busy streets, and say, "No, no," and watch out so their children don't get hurt. Old fashioned? Perhaps. The good kind of old fashioned. The wise kind. Wait.