my 4 year old is out of control and we just had a baby help any advice?

Question

my son will not listen to any thing i tell him i have tried everything time out, ignoring him yelling smacking his but you name it i bet ive tried it and yes this was a problem before i even got pregnant he will just ignore me and continue doing what i asked him not to do. i fell like im always yelling and screaming at him & feel like ive lost touch with him.I love him very much and i dont think he knows that any more i always tell him but i just dont know im willing to try anything i wonderif its because we are living with my mother inlaw & her husband.

Answer 1

Living with grandma and grandpa does make things harder, but that is not the only factor. Don't think I am lecturing you...I have been through the same thing, first try really hard to stop screaming and yelling...doesn't work and all it does do is upset YOU more. 2nd don't ask him to do something....tell him. You are the adult and you must stay in control. He is going to continue to ignore you, but you must remain firm and calm. It will be a battle but you can not give in. If he continues to ignore or disobey you, take something away from him and do not return it until x amount of time...a couple hours...a day.. a week whatever. If it doesn't seem to bother him find something that will get his attention...a favorite toy...televison...whatever works. DO NOT CAVE!!!!!
No matter what, crying....tantrum....guilt...STAND STRONG! He is in control and you need to get that control back NOW or you are in for a world of trouble.
I have been there and I know just how hard it can be...Some people believe in time outs...never worked for me. All kids are different. Good Luck Mommie!

Answer 2

Georgia girl is right, though I would not go there if you don't need to.
Be firm with him, not whiny. You are the boss, always!
Kids never go overboard when I'm around, because they know that I could get REALLY mad. Funny thing is, I've never laid hands on a kid - they just believe that I'm tough.
I once picked up my bf's boy at mami's house. He wanted to bring a favorite toy, she wanted him to leave it. He hit her on the leg with it. She said (whining) "why did you do that, you hurt me". He looked at me, saw that I would not interfere and hit his mom again.
If you feel like you're always yelling, you found your problem. Treat him like an adult and tell him firmly what not to do. See if you can find somebody else to enforce it at first, if you can't.
If he does not listen, tell him, as punishment you will not see him for the next half hour (show him the clock so he knows when it's over and expect him to break things to get your attention). He is so used to your availability, it should work. But only if you can truly ignore him (is there a place where he can't do too much damage?). Is there a man in your life you can help you set rules?

Answer 3

First of all, you are not alone. Sibling rivalry is very common, and four years olds are very temperamental. One minute they want to be "big boys" and the next they are reverting and wanting to be the baby again. This is even more intense now with your new baby. My only advice to you is to be consistent. If you say no more tv if you don't obey mommy, then follow through with it. Make sure you have a bedtime routine...the same every night. Consistency will make your life easier and make your son feel safe. Children need rules. They need to know what their boundaries are. Make sure you spend some one on one time with your son. Just his special time. Whether it's just reading a story together, or taking a walk...do something special just with him each day. Use your in-laws for help. Have them watch the baby so you can take 30 minutes just for your four year old. This is a hard time, four is a difficult age. I promise this will pass and you will get through it. I have raised five of my own. My oldest is 21 and my youngest is 8. Just try to build a daily routine and stick to it. Consistency is the very best thing you can have in your life. If you need more help...e-mail me at [e-mail]. Good luck. Give lots of hugs and kisses!!! He won't be little forever.

Answer 4

Your child could be acting out due to the baby since he has to compete for attention but since he was acting out before it could be for he moved to another home if your living with your MIL and her husband he could wonder where his place is in this family and maybe wondering what is going on next time he does something that you told him not ask him why what happen and what does he feel does he feel sad what happen try to reason with him and show him what you need from him for ex

Please dont make a mess

what does that mean ?

next time say you are playing with your toys so nice why don't we clean up together when you are done

Instead of saying eat those vegtables or else put some cheese or dressing on it and tell him what he is doing right and what you want him to do kids can be yelled at times but try to be more patient and see what else needs to be done u can always take him to a therapist maybe they can help you out in family therapy

Answer 5

Im sure its a combination of living with the in laws and a new baby. Maybe too many people around and he feels like hes not getting enough attention and even jealous of the attention the new baby is recieving. Its also probably a stage at the age of 4. Make special plans with just him and you, and surprise him sometimes.If possible , put one day aside that you could make plans just to spend the whole day with you. Im sure this will help. Also making a special time at bedtime to read him a book and just talk a little before he goes to sleep. Good luck!

Answer 6

I think you are doing all the wrong things by yelling and screaming and hitting. He obviously does not respect you for some reason. What does your husband do, and your m/f-in-laws? Do they make the situation worse? Does your husband respect you, your son may see he doesn't or does your husband back you up with the dicipline or not? You need to watch "Super Nanny", she does a great job with kids out of control (which is really the parents bad parenting). Talk to the boy, take time to get down at his level and deal with him. Smacking him or yelling at him is a form of abuse, did you know that? You are not teaching him positive things with your response to his behavior.

Answer 7

It is very possible that your son's discipline is being disrupted by grandma and grandpa.

He needs to be placed on the time out chair every time he misbehaves. He also needs to behave properly in order to earn the right to watch his favorite television program or a snack.

Smacking and yelling are not going to work. You need to remain calm and be the adult. It won't take long.

Is there any chance you can move away from the in-laws? It's never a good idea to have two families under the same roof.

Answer 8

I have my Child Development Associate & AAS... I can email you some good tips... I use them in my preschool class room.

RESPONDING TO CONFLICT
NOT recommended

SPANKING—
Concept learned:
might send a message that it is okay to hit if you are big enough or violence is anacceptable way to respond when upset. It doesn’t ‘model’ the appropriate way to manage feelings.

Opportunity missed:
to directly express ones needs and feelings in an appropriate way. ‘modeling’


THREATEN—
Concept learned:
compliance based on fear / tuning out the real message

Opportunity missed:
experiencing natural consequences for behavior rather than punishment based on adult frustration


NAG—
Concept learned:
Someone else will always monitor my behavior (or even be responsible for my behavior)

Opportunity missed:
To understand how to respect others/authority / to figure out how to get needs met


BRIBE—
Concept learned:
How to blackmail- “if you give me… I’ll do what you ask”

Opportunity missed:
To learn to negotiate with others for what you want with logical bargaining as opposed to unrelated items


ASSIGN TIME OUT—
Concept learned:
How to avoid dealing with a problem

Opportunity missed:
To learn to think of other ways or solutions to solving a problem



BOOK LIST
BEHAVIOR ISSUES


LET’S TALK ABOUT
By: Joy Wilt Berry
Publishers—Children’s Press Chicago
Being Destructive
Being Lazy
Being Rude
Being Selfish
Breaking Promises
Cheating
Complaining
Disobeying
Fighting
Lying
Overdoing It
Showing Off
Snooping
Stealing
Tattling
Teasing
Throwing Tantrums
Whining

I AM
By: Sarah L. Schuette
Publishers—Capstone Press
Caring
Cooperative
Honest
Patient
Respectful
Responsible

TALKING ABOUT
By: Jillian Powell
Publishers—Raintree Steck-Vaugn
Bullying
Death
Disability
Family Breakup

Answer 9

I feel your pain!!! :( There is hope, just hang on. I went through this with my child. Nobody can really understand unless they have children, and have been through it. You get to a point where you feel like all you do is yell and disipline the child. When you want to show your love and affection, you can't because the child is misbehaving! Sound familiar???

You have a stubborn one on your hands. My husband and I lived with our parents for a while. You can sit and think up different reasons why your child is acting out. Although I believe it's just apart of some children's personality. The way you handle it is the key to change, and a happy future for all of you.

Just take notes on my advice. If you try it, and stay consistant with it. Your life will change.
*First off give yourself a new rule... NO yelling, just come down to child's eye level and speak your words. (It's less stress on ya both.)
*When child misbehaves, give one warning to stop.
*Second warning, take one item that child values away! (Then clearly explain what child was doing wrong, and that toy (whatever item) gets put in the trash because of this unexeptable behavior. Let him see you put in trash. (outside if you need to)Okay your saying, no way I pay for this stuff. Just continue to listen please.
*Child will be very upset, but explain that he has so long to change his behavior and he can earn toy back. (a couple hrs.) Once he shows that he will behave for a while for mommy, then tell him he gets toy back. If he chooses not to, then toy stays and he never sees it agian.
* You may have to throw one item away for good. But I guarentee it will never go that far after. Eventually all you will have to do is warn your child once. His behavior will immediatly change. Stubborn children do not like there things thrown away. Giving them choices to change behavior to earn back item will teach them. It works well.. Please give it a chance, you won't be sorry.
Let me know how it worked. Good luck... :) Emily

Answer 10

You've given this poor little boy control and he's probably exhausted. You need to stop yelling and screaming and smacking. You need to start speaking very firmly and follow through with the discipline. For example if you tell him to pick up his toys and he starts acting out...pick him up and take him to a room where you can close the door....tell him he can come out when he's willing to pick up his toys....then every time he comes out you put him back in. This takes time and Patience and being calm on your part but eventually it does work. Children want you to set limits otherwise too much freedom makes them nuts. Also don't ask him questions like ...do you want to go to bed now.....you say OK "Johnny" it's time for bed now say good night and you take him to bed. Children also like sameness......every night at say 8AM you say it's time for bed....you bathe him...read him a story...kiss him and lights out. Do this every night and he'll know what to expect. The change will not happen overnight but after awhile you will see positive change in him. Good luck Mom.