funerals take presidence?

Question

in yesterday's advice column in the st pete times, a woman wrote. My husband's aunt died and her memorial service is on the same day as my nephew's first b-day party where my family who lives a 4 hr drive away is getting together. my husband suggested he go for his aunt and i go see my family. Is this ok? the anser said No. funerals always take presidene

I think that is wrong. Nothing you can do for the dead . celebrate life. If it were my family id want us both to go the the b-day party and skip the memorial, What do all of you think?

Answer 1

You don't go to funerals to support the dead. You go to support the surviving loved ones who are grieving. It's not fun, but it means so much to the survivors to know that someone else cared about those that they loved. Children will have many more birthdays, but hopefully, you only bury a person one time.

Answer 2

I think the husband's advice is the best. Funerals do not always take presidene, it depends on who they are for and your relationship with the deceased. That being said, if the husband did want the wife at his side, then she should go because the one year old doesn't even know what a birthday is.
When my dad died my family flew back for the funeral. My husband's family lives in the same town. He stayed by my side for the funeral and all, but then ditched me and my mom to go to a party the next day at his folks house for the 4th of July. I wasn't very happy but I didn't go overboard on it because he was there for the main event.
It just depends on the circumstances.

Answer 3

I think the family with the b-day should have at least changed the date or the time of the b-day party so that way if any family members wanted to attend both they could do just that.

We had a similarly thing happen in our family as well, the b-day party was reschedule until later. This child was turning 2 and was still to young to know what was going on yet. His parents had enough respect for the rest of the family to reschedule the party, this way the ones that wanted to attend both could.

Answer 4

He has to go. In most cases I would even say that though it is
is perfectly fine for her to miss the calling hours/ wake as they can sometimes be over several days, going to the memorial service is rather important for any direct family member. It is a way to pay respect to not only his aunt, but more importantly to the family. She will not be "missing life" by going...but rather be celebrating the life and death of a human being!

If she does not feel the need to really be there, then I am sure he will understand....but I would never personally ask him to not attend!

Answer 5

I am sure if he wanted to go to the birthday party, it would be ok with his family if he told them you two already had plans. If the case is he wants to go to the funeral, then by all means, allow him to go where he chooses.
Birthday parties are a special time and families do not always forgive a member for not making it after all the planning that has gone into it, so the choice is up to you and your husband, whichever the two of you choose, is correct etiquette.

Answer 6

First of all it's: "precedence". It's a courtesy matter if your husband and you call at the funeral for a short while and then both of you could attend the nephew's birthday, no harm in that as long as the two parties are kept in complete ignorance of your arrangements.

Answer 7

I don't think it's an arbitrary choice of one type of event meaning more than another. It just depends on how much each of the events means to her. If it means more to her to go to her nephew's birthday, she should do that. I mean, of course she should take into account how much the funeral means to her husband. If he was extremely close to his aunt and the funeral will be very hard on him, that should factor in. But this decision shouldn't be based on the view of a narrowminded society.

Answer 8

I would say go with what the husband suggested. If he was understanding enough of the woman's family to tell her to go to the nephew's birthday party - she is a lucky woman.

Answer 9

You don't go to funerals for the deceased. You go for the ones who are grieving the deceased. I agree with the advice columnist. The second option would be to send a nice fruit basket and call (maybe in the case if the birthday party was for one's own child and arrangements were already made).

Answer 10

I would go to the funeral with my husband. He's the most important person to me and I would rather be with him than at a baby's birthday party that the baby will never remember anyway.