Why is my ex being so difficult over financial arrangements for our son?

Question

My ex partner came over to discuss child support last night for our 2 year old son and said he would give me £200 a month for our son,he earns over £1000 a month after tax and is now back home with his parents so has no outgoings.I said that I thought £200 wasn't enough but after a good nights sleep I thought I might as well take it as I'd rather we all got on and it would be more amicable if we could make an agreement between ourselves rather than go through the child support agency so I told him that when he dropped our son off tonight.He seemed happy I was going to accept his offer but then I got a text message about 20 minutes later saying he'd been on the csa website and the calculater on there said he would only need to give me £24 a week.I've been on the website myself and input the details and it came up with a minimum of £48 a week so where is he getting his figures from and why is he begrudging his son an acceptable standard of living?

Answer 1

Personally I think you should go through the CSA and be done with it. An ex is an ex for a reason and as soon as he moves on and meets someone else... perhaps someone who is not keen on the idea of "sharing" their man's money with a child from a past relationship, then however amicable your agreement is now it could be taken back and you will then be stuck.

If you go through the CSA from the start, you know exactly what to expect, your rights and his rights, and if he refuses to pay in the future then the will get the money directly from his employer.

I have a stepdaughter and I personally would never wish her to be deprived, but I can see how in different circumstances this could become the case... so I still say protect yourself and your son and use the CSA. Believe me, they tend to favour the female in this sort of situation.

Answer 2

Financial support is always a difficult thing. People always look at in different ways. From your point of view this is about getting money to help provide for the welfare of your son. From his point of view he looks at it as money that you are spending on yourself. The reason the figures come up differently is based upon how each of you input data into the system. Numbers can always be manipulated a million ways if you play with them enough. The best thing you can do is let a court decide what is reasonable instead of trying to make a deal between the two of you. Lets face it, one or both of you is going to be upset regardless so you might as well make it so you can be upset with a third party instead of entirely at one another.

Answer 3

because the non-resident parent always thinks that raising a child is easier than a day job!

first, go to your nearest citizen's advice and find out about mediation (on a low income, you will be able to get this for free) and arrange everything through mediation.

if things ever get to the stage of taking him to court, this is what you will have to do first anyway. it will be better for you if you do it this way.

speak to your ex before the mediators contact him, and tell him that you do not feel comfortable talking about these things without an unbiased helper. prepare the ground for their call, so to speak.

remember that mediators will usually allow you to have a female, or a male/female pair mediators if you tell them you do not feel comfortable discussing things with only men mediators.

if you end up on income support at any point (or already are) you must remember that they will only let you have the full amount if you get him to pay through the csa.

if you are comfortable with not having the latest designer gear etc then i would recommend being on income support until your son is 3-4 years old anyway, as kids are absolutely wonderful at this age. you can ensure he gets the right sort of habits - eating properly, being outside, using his imagination - and there are plenty of free or cheap resources to develop him in the best way possible. money will not replace a loving mum!

it is best if you get your ex to pay through the csa anyway as (1) he will not, later, have grounds to claim that he gave and gave and you frittered it all away and (2) if he tries dodging them when they do catch up he will pay through the nose as they will make him pay their costs in addition to what he owes you.

try not to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for your ex, or thinking that he'll change. enjoy your child, develop a good relationship with him, and you will never have to regret having him.

if you need any help, or just to vent - feel free to email me (click on my nickname)

Answer 4

Because he's a man is the first reason tho not "all" men are like that but for the most part.......
As far as you saying " has no outgoings" he may have no outgoing but I bet he's going out and that takes money.
I don't know where you are but here they figure out cs from the gross amount of money not what is already taxed. As for his calculations he probably put in less than he what he really makes.
I don't think he thinks hes begrudging his son........ For some reason men don't think that way its more about the money he has to give it to you.

Answer 5

--I think the 20% you were supposed to get is very generous. Considering you get to keep sticking it to him when ever he gets a raise at his job. 800 pounds a month isn't what it used to be and he has to save up to get out of his parents house and still have monies available for the time he does spend with his son. Now his dropping the offer to 10% is a bit mean spirited and I think it is a ploy to get you to agree to a reasonable percentage of 15 %. But the important thing to remember is your son. If the Father is a good Dad give him some leeway, you don't have to squash his gnads every time you think he as shilling. If he isn't get him for everything you can! I wish you luck and peace in the relationship with your ex.

Answer 6

He doesn't want to give up any of his money specially not for YOUR child.
He will have to pay more than the recommended minimum as he has no real outgoings but because it goes through the C.S.A any money you get off him will be taken off of any benefit money you were entitled to.
If he can get his parents to say he has to pay them rent etc the amount of money he would have to give you decreases.
Personally I think you should involve the C.S.A, he is entitled by law to pay for your son until he is 16 or leaves college. He seems like a sh*tbag & any private agreement between you would not work as he wouldn't want to pay & would get out of it he would also use it to blackmail you into doing what he wanted.
Go through official channels, why should he get out of his responsabilities to you & your child, make him pay

Answer 7

first enable me say , i'm sorry for you which you had to circulate by this and it became into relatively egocentric that he went and did this , my ex went and tried telling the court docket ( i dont suggestions if he see's his daughter as long as i will say while and the place ) the decide replied with , has he harm the toddler( no) does he pay toddler help (sure) is he putting the toddler in harms way( no) he felt she became into asking all this for her very own income so he declined her request, wager the clarification i'm saying it relatively is except you could teach to him that he's an no longer worth dad you wont win the decide over ,, sure it hurts you that he did this stupid circulate and left you ,, yet he's human and would substitute his suggestions basically as equivalent as you could substitute yours... if he doesnt pay toddler assist you have a case,,, in any different case the decide must be honest,, and could better than possibly set up a visitation time table... please attempt to set aside your harm and do whats terrific to your toddler..

Answer 8

your best bet is to go into the csa yourself and let them do it for you thay will take it from his wages and because hes living with his parents and has on outgoings it will favour you, why is it men enjoy making the babies but when it comes to the break up thay dont give a **** , my sister when throw the same thing ,good luck and go in first thing monday morning .

Answer 9

been there and done that!csa are too slow and not bothered,courts leave it to the csa and no longer get involved,and if you get any form of benefit you're not entitled to anything.good luck,try to stay calm and be a good parent

Answer 10

tell him that its a deal and you'll phone them tommorow to sort the paperwork out