How do I prove my love for my daughter?

Question

My daughter is 19 years old. Her mother and I split when she was 3. I saw her a few times but then contact was difficult because of distance and problems with the access. My daughter still blames me and recently text me this for not picking her up a long time ago. I have no knowledge of this arrangement and have told her so. I kept constant contact and tried desperately to see her but her mother remarried and it was difficult. She wuld get upset, so i decided to leave them all alone as it was so hard watching her get upset. 2000 i had a heart attack and my new wife contacted her , both my daughter and ex, visited me in hospital and she promised to keep contact and to visit me. She did not keep her promise but gave lots of silly excuses. Is this payback time or what. I have tried to talk to her but with no response. Her last text consisted of she still blames me. I text her and told her I was moving because of my health. I had another attack in jan 06. still blaming me wat 2 do?

Answer 1

Stop texting & start talking would be a very good start.

You can tell your daughter where the water is, but you cannot make her drink it.

Lots of Patience.

Answer 2

I wish I or anyone could give you what you need. I am a daughter of a man who used to hit my mum and blamed it on her being an alcoholic. (Which she is) He left when I was 16. After a fight. Mum finally called the police. I forgave him for this but he remarried and his new wife told him I must treat her like a mother which I could not do. I was happy to make a new friendship but that would have been it. He finally said if I cant treat her like a mother and come to the house he does not want to see me. This was the final straw. I am his only blood relative except for his newly found parents (He was adopted from Birth) All his adoptive parent have died. along with his former wife and two children. Being the only one left I thought I might hold a small place in his heart. Now we don’t speak. I have got married. Moved areas. Had Birthdays all without a Dad. He sends a card now and then offering money or a present if I talk to him. I don’t.
The meaning of me sharing this with you is that you are not alone in this situation. Many people go through it. May I suggest a long. Letter. Exactly how you feel and what you believe of the past. Its strange how we all get a different view of the past. I know my Dad does not see things the way I do. For me There is nothing he can do. There may be a time when I might want to speak to him again but as with you a letter is always a good start. Let her know how you really feel.
Also May I say as she did not keep her promise. It is possible she is going through a slight teenage tantrum. If she says she will; meet you it is only fair to expect she will. Maybe this period will pass. You have done the right thing leaving it to her to sort. Nothing would have changed if you had been there all the way through. Sometimes people need to realise what they have lost before they come looking for it themselves. Write the letter. and wait. It might take a long time but don’t let it get you down. You are your own person and she is too. she will only do it if she wants to and that has no reflection on anything you have or have not done. I am sure with the truth and patients maybe she will come round to at least meeting up.. Good luck and take it easy other wise you might not be around when she gets her head together and needs you.

Answer 3

You need to take your relationship with your daughter 3 steps further. She needs to know she can confide in you, trust you. Distance should not be an issue if you love her you should have been there for her and you should be there for her now. Curious to how you respond to the question of why you didn't pick her up. Children are very vulnerable when they are young even when they are teenagers. She may have been thrilled that you were going to pick her up, maybe waiting all day who knows did you call her let her know did you set another date that you would pick her up and not show or did you not bother to set another date at all. If you really wanted to see her you would have no matter what she is your daughter for goodness sake. As you said YOU left them alone after her Mom remarried. Don't blame anyone but yourself. I am sorry to be so hard, but I know someone in the same situation. Bless your new wife for contacting her. You say she didn't keep a promise well extend your hand & an olive branch make piece with her now before God forbid you die due to your health. I wish the very best for you but you need to take the first step and NOT let your attempts to reconnect with her fall the the wayside. If you CARE she will care also.
OH & don't send her a letter be a man and talk to her FACE TO FACE.

Answer 4

First, let me start by saying i am sorry about your recent heart attacks and i hope you are recovering from it sucessfully. Secondly, in regards to your daughter the first thing i would do is send her a very detailed letter letting her know exactly what happen between her mother and yourself and why it just couldn't work. Then i'd let her know about all of the things you tried to do to keep an active relationship with her. I'd ask her for a chance to start all over, if possible. Along with asking her what she felt i could do to regain a loving relationship with her. Leave her all forms of contact information so that she can stay in contact with you. Tell her that after this letter you will only contact her if she'd like you to do so.
I would also call her and see if there is any way possible that she would be willing to meet up with you so you two can "talk." After that, as hard as it may be I'd leave the situation alone. I think your daughter loves you just as much as you love her. She's just angry about not having you around growing up. Besides you don't know what her mother may have filled her head with. After you write the letter you need to start focusing on the best interest of your health and strength. Your daughter will come around adventually. Once you've written the letter and put in a call to meet up with her, there is nothing more for you to do. It's all up to her. Given that you have had two heart attacks worrying about this is not going to do either of you, nor your health any good. I'll be pulling for you from a far. Good luck.

Answer 5

Remember, your daughter is still a child. While she appears grown-up, she's not. She hasn't had her own children nor has she matured to a level to comprehend 'another' point of view than her mother's.

My recommendation would be to continue to write her. It would probably be better in writing on paper than text messaging or e-mail. Teens find it more personal from parents/adults to receive that piece of paper in the mail that they can save.

One other thing you can do is write a journal. Not a daily journal but a long letter to your daughter. I do that for my son who is 24. I have a continual relationship with my son but he's graduated college and is working in another state. In your journal you can write when you have time and thoughts you have and want to share with her.

Examples would be what you thought about when she was born, what happened when you and her mom separated, your side of the stories that are going on and what you think about on her birthday every year.

These thoughts mean something to children - even estranged children. I have a nice journal that I keep next to my bedside. Whenever I have a thought I want to share I know where it is. I take just a moment and write the thought out to him. Close the book and wait for the next time.

One day, either after my death or when I feel its appropriate, my son will receive it. My husband knows I keep the journal for my son and its purpose.

There are also many stories that can be blown out of proportion - the journal is a good place to set your side straight. This way - you know you at least had your say. However, I wouldn't use it as a way to 'bash' another person. The writing should be loving and kind to all.

Never write her off. She's only 19. In the dark of night, she knows your there - just a phone call away...

Your daughter will mature and one day she will knock on your door...and you'll be there, ready to provide the unconditional love all children deserve. Hugs, A

Answer 6

It sounds like your daughter is hurt by your actions when she was growing up and you need to address this. Get together with her over lunch if you can or just call her up when you know she can talk. Then, apologize, genuinely for not being there much when she was growing up. Don't blame anyone else or make excuses. Even if it wasn't all your fault, take responsiblity for your part, and leave everyone else (your ex-wife, etc. ) out of it. Once you have apologized tell your daughter how you feel, that you love her and want to try and have a relationship with her now. You should also SHOW your daughter you love her by spending time with her now and just talking with her on a regular basis. Let her know you are there for her. If she continues to be angry with you then let it go. She will have to deal with her own feelings. You should keep trying to show love to her, but not bring the subject up again unless she wants to talk about it. It could take a lot of time to patch things up so be patient and don't give up!

Answer 7

You both have alot of major issues, and the only way to heal your relationship is simply to spend time with each other, and give it time. Try making the first step by reaching out to your daughter, for example, ask to meet in a public place, like a cafe, etc, just to talk. Try to keep it light, and move on from there. Forget about silly excuses and the like, make a fresh start. If she brings up the past, and places blame, ask her to please try and help you make a fresh start (even tho it is up to her too, if she thinks and sees that you are making hard effort, she will most likely not turn away.) Parenting is the hardest job in the world, but also the most rewarding (beleive it or not) It's also hard being a daughter, or a son. But with continued love and understanding, coupled with time and effort, things should work out.

Just don't give up on each other.

You'll both be in my prayers, and best wishes.

Answer 8

This is a really sad situation and I can appreciate all sides. This is life unfortunately and when emotions are involved, especially those like your daughter who feel that they have been neglected and unloved;it takes time, patience and perseverance to prove yourself.
It's a difficult task when you're well but you must be feeling drained and the stress is obviously not doing your health any good. You need to make sure you are up to the task because it seems like you have a way to go to convince your daughter that you really do care. If you are well enough to tackle this then be prepared to go the course through some hard times. She may or may not meet you part way at some stage. It's up to you what you feel it's all worth and how much energy you can afford to put into it.

Answer 9

You need to get her to meet you or you go to her and either tell her face to face or in a letter that she can read & think about.
Don't make excuses just tell her how it was, your feelings then & now & what you wish would happen. Do not in any way badmouth her mum, she has been there, you have not (the reasons why don't matter).
You will just have to hope she can forgive you, I don't know if it will work because people can't imagine ever being able to leave a child for their own good but life isn't easy hopefully she will realise that.
You must explain how hard you tried to keep in contact at least that way she may not feel like you didn't care & just left

Answer 10

Send her a letter and pour your heart out, im sure that she still loves you shes just hurt.She probably thinks that you just moved on didnt think about her or anything, yo need to show her that she is very much a part of your life.

To be honest 19 is quite a selfish age so dont worry to much, but if you get nothing from her just send a card now and again or a note just to see how she is getting on.

There must be alot of built up anger and she may not know how to deal with it all so rather than face you just stay away, i dont know. It must be hard for you but dont give up show her she is worth the fight and that you are not going any where. Good luck i hope you are feeling better

Answer 11

This is a tricky one, I still dont know my dad and im 21 and im also bitter, but i can understand how you feel too. My suggestion would be to keep in contact either through text or writing and wait until your daughter is ready to see you. Dont jump down her throat if she arranges to see you and doesn`t show cause you need to try and think how she feels too. It could just be a case of her not wanting to get too close to you incase you disappear again. Just make sure she knows you are there for her but also be careful not to push the issue. Good luck.