Girl Issue?

Question

I just dated this incredible girl and we had nothing but an awesome time together. She used to date this guy (who was also her first boyfriend) who was controlling and verbally abusive. They broke up about 3-4 times over. Her friends and parents hate him. She would tell me how she hated the things he did and how she couldn't be his friend. Now we've broken up and they're friends, however she isn't dating him nor really hanging out with him. She's basically shut me out of her life, although she really wanted to be friends and still hang out. I still get the feeling she really misses me (she has to!) but we haven't talked in almost 2 weeks (except brief text message).

I want to ask her if she wants to go to coffee or get cheesecake. If she starts acting like she doesn't want to Im gonna tell her "I just wanna be your friend, im not picking up on you. Im (kinda?) seeing someone anyway". I know it sounds bad but I know jealousy is a strong emotion. Would it work? (Details are good)

Answer 1

Manipulation? Deceit? to indicate 'love you'???

You tell us -----

Answer 2

Look you are with someone else why do you care what this girl dose. She has problems, ones you can not fix with cheesecake. It is not you okay she was not ready to be in a relationship. that all. Think about it any time a women/girl brings up an ex with a new guy she is not over the old one even though he treated her like crap dose not matter to her. She only sees and remember the good. Move on with your new girl and maybe your old one will come around You might want to think about getting rid of your new one cause you still hung up on her. just lie to her about see someone.

Answer 3

Jealousy is a very strong emotion, the obsessing over a past love an the inbability to let go is just as strong and destructive. If you want to be friends with her then by all means establish a friendship. This girls appears to have some serious emotional problems of her own and she could probably use a true "friend" someone that is willing to listen to her without passing judgment or offering unsolicited advice. Perhaps she would begin to trust you enough to confide in you. I wouldn't be surprised if as her true friend you eventually learned that someone in her past hurt her in ways that she has been unable to confront.

Best freinds make the best lovers, if it happens gradually and after the trust has built and a strong bond is established.

To answer your question, yes Jealousy is a strong emotion and it does often make someone want you back. Often this is a good thing, if they truley realize (once you have found someone else) that they have possibly lost you for good. However if they want you back simply b/c they don't want another to have you, it will be temporary and short lived. You would be being dishonest with her and i my book that is not a good beginning to a lasting friendhip or any other kind of relationship. besides based on what you have written I doubt you could pull it off for very long (the tale of another woman in your life) your true feelings would show. She would either see through your charade, thus labeling you as another one of the men in her life that have been dishonest and have mislead her, or if she really believed that you were involved with someone else yet were giving her clear signals that you want to be with her, then again you are put into the category of men who cannot be trusted. You would be cheating (at least emotionally) on this ficticious new girlfriend, which does not say much for your charachter, morals or values, and certainly does not make you the kind of man I would want in my life as someone I loved and trusted with my heart.

Clearly she has been hurt. I sense that her hurt goes much deeper than you suspect. Often women in remain in abusive or controlling relationship do so b/c they have very low self esteem. The lack of self worth is usually a symtom of something that happened as far back as .childhood Many women who were abused as a child either sexually, physically or emotionally, or women who felt unloved by one or both parents, or were neglected grow up with a fear of rejection or abondonment. They do not feel worthy of being loved by someone who treats them good, so when they get into a relationship with someone who does treat them right, the feeling is foreign to them and they often do things to self sabatoge th relationship. They return to men that treat them the way they are accustomed to being treated, even though it is bad it is familiar to them. It is a vicious cycle that requires therapy and much self motivation to learn to love yourself and like yourself and beleive that you are worthy of being treated well and will not settle for anything less.

I think the very best thing you can do if your really care about her is to be honest with her, be there as a friend when she needs to talk. Once she realizes that she can trust you as a freind, then the two of you can possibly work on developing a relationship that extends beyond freindship. Girls who have been hurt many times fins it very hard to ever trust, so the best thing you could do is prove yoruself worthy of her trust. That is a start, I believe that if you deceive her or mislead her , you will be just like every other man including the former boyfriend, in her eyes, just another person who has let her down; as expected. Surprise her by being truthful, help her build her self confidence by complimenting her, pointing out the good things about her, you will soon find her opening up to you if she believes you are different than the rest and that she can really trust you. I think your only chance with her is by gaining her trust firts and then never doing anything to betray that hard earned trust.

Good Luck

Answer 4

Jealousy? i wouldnt say that is the best way to get her back.. im sure she misses you alot.. she just does not know really how to show/tell you... but im also sure that if you tell her that it will break her heart b/c if you all were always great together then she has feelings for you and might want you back... hope it works out sorry im no help but take care ok....hope to talk sometime bye.

Answer 5

Sounds like she has personal issues, and you need to let the dead dog lie for a while.

If its over, don't push the issue. For if you want to be friends, give it some time. Just send a message if she just wants to hang, that she could always call. Don't be pushy.

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it to.

Very few people can date, then be friends..

If you are a true friend give yourself and her some space for a while..

Answer 6

It may or may not work. having to revert that really does make it a bit shady, no offense. I'm guessing that you still REALLY want to be with her. (you didn't say how/why you all broke up).

Anyhow, I would be careful with it. I would just ask her out to coffee (don't try to pay for her, bad move) and just catch up. Don't mention seeing somone (unless you really are and she ask). Just try and feel things out for now. then later, revaluate the situation, and do what you think is right

Answer 7

I think you do need to let her know that you're being honest in that you only want to be friends. In so saying, you also have to be careful not to try to impact her choices (i.e. the ex) because, frankly, she's not your daughter and it's none of your business. To be friends, you're going to have to be a real step back and hands off friend for a while in order to prove to her that you're just there for her because you care for her and not for what you can get out of the friendship for yourself. Good luck.

Answer 8

Maybe she wanted you to feel sorry for her and how the last guy treated her? Maybe he really didn't treat her like that and she was warning you not to act like that? Ask her for coffee and if she blows you off, move on. Some sick women like all that b.s. and it is a shame to see a good guy get played and ruin it for the next woman.

Answer 9

Well, don't say that you're (kinda) seeing someone else if you really aren't. That's just manipulative and lying: you don't want that in your relationship, especially if you want her to come back. Think of it if she found out that you made up that story just to make her jealous and come back. Would she appreciate that? I don't think so. So just let things run their course: if you are meant to be with her, it will happen, but don't take any forceful actions. I wish you well! ^_^

Answer 10

Jealousy always works. I've used that technique a thousand times. It's just that if two people really like eachother, and truly belong together, lies and manipulation shouldn't be necessary.

Answer 11

You sound like you want her back. Why does it matter that you remain friends? If you don't become friends, let it be. Since she has rekindled something with the ex, it sounds like she may want to be back with him if she is not already. If she had wanted to remain friends with you before and does not want to now, it sounds like that is the case.