Do any one knows some good jokes.?

Question

plz....no non-veg.

Answer 1

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long!

• Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."

• Nurse came out with the newborn kid, Santa rushed 2 her & after seeing the kid he shouted, PUTTAR hua PUTTAR. She slapped him: Leave my finger, u fool, It’s a gal

• Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.

• Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?
Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon.

• Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag. Guess what did he ask next...
Ismein aur colour dikhayiye.

• Santa: What's difference between man & Superman?
Pappu: Man wears underwear under the trouser & superman wears it over the trouser.

• Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

• Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye?
Santa: Birla cement.
Banta: Kyun?
Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai.

Preeto: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.
Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost... 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

• Banta ek sadhu se bola" Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?

• Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

• Dress code 4 a party - BLACK TIES ONLY.
Banta goes for the party & is surprised to see that the other guests are wearing SUITS also!

• Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

Answer 2

A student's request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

Answer 3

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her

nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as

well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.



"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of

the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in

the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.



"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and

glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in

terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.



"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You

must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits

down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Answer 4

ok----- two guys walk into an unemployment office to sign up for unemployment the first guy goes back and does all the paper work and he tells them he works at an underwear factory as a waist band inspector and they thank him and talls him he can draw about 100 dollars a week he was happy so the second guy goes back and tells them he works in the underwear factory also and got laid off too he said he worked as a diesel fitter and they say he can draw 500 dollars a week he tells the other guy which gets upset because the both work in the same factory so he goes in and questions them about the difference in money amounts and they tell him that he got more because he worked with diesels and he tells them all he done all day was hold up the underwear and say YEP DEES WILL FIT HER ------- THEY THOUGHT HE WAS SAYING HE WAS A DIESEL MECHANIC

Answer 5

Holliday Eats

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She replies, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

Answer 6

What"s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks." { Elton John has filed for divorce. Apparently he found out his new husand was having sex behind his back.} [A man went into a gas station and asked for $5 in gas. The clerk farted and handed him a receipt.}

Answer 7

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association.

''I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,'' she tells the children.

So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ''What flavor is that?''

The whole class answers, ''Mmmm, that's cherry.''

''Very good,'' the teacher replies.

So she gives them all a grape and they reply, ''Mmm, that's grape.''

''Very good,'' she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says, ''OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.''

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, ''Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!''

Answer 8

i know one it's kinda long so..... here i go

there was a little boy named billy who always followed the rules in class.and one day the teacher said who can count to ten billy raised his hand and asked may i go to the bathroom and the teacher said no billy. she then asked who can count to 15? billy raised his hand and asked if he can go again the teacher said no billy. and then the teacher asked who can say the abc's? billy raised his hand and said I can!! billy sang a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y and z.and then the teacher asked billy where'd the p go? billy said down my leg

Answer 9

2 lifelong acquaintances, Steve and Earl, the two of their 40s, have been looking in the woods at the same time, as they did maximum each and every weekend. They have been hiding in the timber whilst Earl grew to become into bit via a rattle snake real on the crotch. Steve ran all the two miles into city and strait to the scientific expert. He informed his tale and the scientific expert, who grew to become into treating a affected person, informed him that the only thank you to save his buddy grew to become into to suck the poison out of him. Steve ran lower back to the place Earl lay and Earl, who grew to become into already somewhat vulnerable, asked "What did the scientific expert say?" Steve replied, "He says your going to die." I butchered that slightly in spite of the incontrovertible fact that it was once humorous.

Answer 10

yea i do..... ok there were two dumbblondes watching there neighbor unpack his things b/c he was moving into his house... and they were thinkin wow hes hot.. and one blonde said well yea but he looks like his head is between his legs and the other blonde spoke and said yea well i would love to blow his mind... lol tell me what you think of this ok lol.