what do i do??

Question

My boyfriend and I met as swingers. We have been dating for a year now. I was getting out of the lifestyle when my boyfriend and I met and he was just getting back into the scene after his last relationship. About two months ago we started getting back into the swing lifestyle as a couple. We have been to a party and a few small group settings and we can't stand to be in the room when one of us is with someone else. Last night i had a few drinks when i went out with a few friends and on our way home I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to swing anymore and that I wanted to be with him and him only. He became upset because he enjoys the variety that comes with the lifestyle and doesn't want to give it up. He tells me that we do this so he can get his variety and doesn't have to cheat. On one hand I don't want to swing but on the other hand I want to make him happy. What do i do??

Answer 1

Erin,

Let us give you some advice as swingers.

You were in the lifestyle as a single woman and he was in the lifestyle as a single man. But you both understood the lifestyle as a whole. Because you were swinging as a single before, you didn't have to check with anyone else to see if playing was OK or mutually agreed upon. The same applied for him.

Then you began playing as a couple. As, as a couple, both of you need to feel comfortable and accepting of what is taking place.

You've decided that you no longer want to be in the lifestyle but he does. This basically leaves you with three options:

Option 1) You could break up with him. It's your decision to leave the lifestyle and because he does not want to leave, he is suggesting that there will be no fidelity in the relationship. This is not a strong foundation for anything long term.

Option 2) Continue in the lifestyle. This could cause one of two things to happen. The first is that you could begin enjoying swinging again and be happy in the lifestyle. The second that could happen is that you'd always feel as though you're "taking one for the team" just to make him happy. Problems will begin when he doesn't feel as though you're putting forth an effort to swing, then fights begin and on and on. So this is 50/50.

Option 3) Open relationship. There are several couple who are in the lifestyle who have these open relationships. It allows him to continue to have his 'variety', but together you can make the rules and the rules would apply to you as well should you ever feel the need. For example, a rule could be made that he can only have a 'variety' twice a month. Anything beyond that is not allowed. Also, safety is a must all the time and you are his primary love interest. The others are just sex. However, this can be difficult to pull off if there is not a long lasting relationship to support it.


Hope this helps. If you want to talk about it any more, shoot me an email and I'd be happy to help.

Answer 2

It sounds like your the one who gets upset when he is with someone else, but he isn't worried about it. BTW, swinging is cheating. If your with someone other then your partner, you are cheating. By calling it "swinging", it allows people the freedom to cheat without someone getting upset.

If you have decided that you don't want to do it anymore and he doesn't want to stop, it's time to move on. It might be hard at first but it's what you need to do. Maybe you are right about him and he will give it up for you but I wouldn't count on it. Either way, you need to stand up for yourself. Don't let him make you feel bad for wanting what you think is best for you.

Answer 3

Find a new boyfriend. Obviously he doesn't want just one person. If you both stop swinging then he's going to cheat. Either way it's a loose loose situation. If you really want to stop then stop. You can find someone who will be faithful to you and will want the same things you do. If something inside of you is telling you to stop swinging then you probably should. Follow your gut. You shouldn't have to do something you don't want to in order to make him happy.

Answer 4

Honey, you knew he was a snake when you brought him into your life. Don't act so innocent..."poor me"...give us a huge break here!!! YOU HOOKED UP WITH A SWINGER AT A SWINGER PARTY!!! Now you want the man to yourself; won't happen. And I doubt you're going to find any man in a swingers club who will want an exclusive relationship with you. Nor will you find a decent one when he finds out what your hobby happens to be. Let the guy go and get thee to a nunnery for a while. OH...on the way, get some therapy. YOU ARE NOT NORMAL!!! You're what's called: S.O.L. or sshit out of luck!

Answer 5

If he can't fulfill your needs, then what's the point in being with him? The relationship has only lasted a year, it's not that long. I'm sure that you can easily find someone else.

You need to be happy, your happiness should come before his. If you don't want to swing and you want to be with someone exclusively, then be with someone exclusively. Don't settle for that jerk of a boyfriend. There are millions of people in the world, you don't need to be stuck with him.

Answer 6

honey, you LET HIM CHEAT. Swinging, no matter how adorable the name, is still CHEATING. If you are in a commited relationship, you don't have sex with someone else. You can't find anything more personal and real than sex. If he wants to share that with others, and you allow him to, it's stilllllllll cheating. I'd lose the guy, personally. Even if he did commit to you, he's a man who was once allowed to cheat.

Answer 7

If making him happy is going to make you miserable; you shouldn't swing. If that means you and he can't be together, then so be it.YOU must be comfy in your relationship and a couple swinging when only one of them wants to is wrong and will only lead to more problems.

Answer 8

Excuse me, but have either you or your boyfriend ever heard of AIDS, of genital herpes, of syphilis?

If you are ready to stop swinging and he isn't, then he isn't ready for you. You've matured to the point where you're ready to commit to a relationship. He's only willing to commit to his own pleasure. It's time to move on to a more stable relationship and you'll have to start doing that by yourself because he's not willing to move up to your level. Good luck.

Answer 9

End the relationship and find a man who doesn't swing.

Answer 10

for starters, he said that he swings so he doesnt have to cheat? thats a load of crap! he should only want to be with you if he really cares bout you and he wouldnt want you to be with anyone else. you should put your happiness first. he thinks he has it easy cos he has a relationship but he gets to cheat without regret cos its called swinging. if he doesnt give it up, you might have to give him up.