what do you call a father and what should i do about mine?

Question

who do you get along with more you mum or your dad? my father cheated on my mother and accused her of cheating and denied my younger sister was his and he got remarried and doesn't gice two s***s about me, my twin sister and my younger sister. my dad got remarried and ignored us girls. he didn't even know i was 21 this year he rang and asked how old i was this year. that is not a father. what should i do carry on ignoring him or try and be a friend to a man that left us high and dry and tried to turn us against our mother?

Answer 1

well i am in exactly the same positin as you i havnt seen ma dad for 11 years when him and my mum split up he moved to london and has never bn in contact we know he has a girlfriend but 11 years is a long time and i could have step brother and sister which i dont know about i often wonder if i should try get in contact or if i should just leave it the way it is....

Answer 2

Don't you wonder why your mother chose such an awful man to have children with? If she tells you this is not the man she married she is either in denial, or something happened to make such a turn around change. He must have had a terrible childhood as to grow up and not know how to be a dad. However this is his problem. Don't make it yours. You are going to have to make an extra effort to grow up and know how to relate to men. Obviously your mother cannot teach you as she has issues in this area. Most children do not have a close relationship with their dads, dads are usually working and have little time to be "buds". For your own well being stop thinking about your dad so negatively. You are 21, not a baby anymore, work on your career (by this time you should have one) and choose the father of your children wisely, so they don't go through the same thing. If mom starts with the "oh look what your father did to us" scene. Tell her you really don't want to rehash her past mistakes anymore, you have to get on with your life. To answer one of your questions... Treat your dad as a distance acquaintance. Be polite but not intimate or judging (why waste your energy)

Answer 3

You sound as if you may need some closure. Go spend some time with your Dad. Go out in a public place, like a park, where you can sit, and try to relax when you confront him.

Do you love your Dad? Then tell him. Tell him what you miss most? Tell him what you remember before the awful messy divorce. Tell him how he made you feel when you were younger, and how you remember him with you and your sisters. Ask him why he changed?

Tell him, you feel sad because it is as if he blamed you and your siblings for his and your mother's conflict.
Listen to him, even if you know the answers. Summarize what he has said to you, in order, to let him know you are listening.

Tell him, you love him, and tell him the relationship that you would like to have with him. Speak him a picture, of what you want. Ask him, what does he want? What does he expect from you? Tell him what you expect from him?

Reach out to him, let him know you hold no grudges, and you would like a fresh start from that point on. Let him know, from now on, it is just about him being your DAd, and you being his daughter.

This will be very hard, but you are strong, and you want answers to your questions. What you want is to know is he loves you, and that he wants to have a Father Daughter Relationship with you. This is Your Life, and You Need to Know Closure.

Try not to be defensive, He may say something to test you, to see if you will defend your Mother, but ignore it. Keep in mind, this is about you and his relationship, tell him that.

All you are asking is for his love. You may get your answers, or he may walk away. You have to take a chance because your happiness is worth the challenge.

At least, then you will know where he stands, and you will know that you have the fortitude to deal with life's challenges. You will have done all you can do. You can rejoice and have the Father you knew and remembered, or not. But at least, you did your part, and you can go on with your life. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Tough one.... but only you can really answer this question. My dad left when I was 11, moved to Brazil remarried and had a daughter. I didn't see or hear from him til i was 18 and he had moved back to the UK. I saw him a few times, and he was a nice bloke, but I couldn't forget what he did so I broke contact. Next time I saw him was after a phone call from his new wife, he was dieing of cancer, and less that 6 weeks later he was gone! All i know is that I now regret not confronting him about what he did to me and my brothers! He should have known what he had done, and then maybe we could have tried to patch things up. I'll never know.

This is your call, do what is right for you! But be sure you are honest to yourself.

Answer 5

When I was 11 I became a diabetic, my father couldn't handle that & ignored me from then on but he still treated my sister ok.
He had an affair & left my mum when I was 18, I'm nearly 34 now & we have talked on the phone twice in all that time I have also not seen him since he left, but he does phone my sister and help her out.
Some men just aren't meant to be dads & it sounds like yours and mine are this type of man.

I gave up on mine years ago now & I honestly couldn't care less if he was alive or dead & I'm so much happier now because of it.

You have to decide if you can forgive & forget his treatment & if you can then keep on trying maybe write him a letter & tell him how you feel.
Or just think "sod him" I deserve better than this & move on.

My father tried to turn my sister and me against our mum, he kept saying it was mums fault n that, my sis fell for his lies & I told him where to go (my mums fantastic, she deserved better than him). I've got the most fantastic mum in the world & she more than makes up for him.

Be the family you are after all it's him thats missing out not you, you all have the love, rows & fun of a family he has sex every now and then with that woman.

Let him miss out

Answer 6

As I get older, I realize more how hard it is to be responsible and take care of a family. I respect both of my parents more than I could ever say with words alone for the sacrifices they made and still make for the sake of their children. Whatever circumstances drove your father to his actions are really none of your business. That is hard to accept, but what you should remember is that he is an adult who is responsible for his own mistakes. There may be many, many things that you don't know about the situation. Regardless, he is still your father. If you are uncomfortable with calling him Dad, stick with his first name. If he asks, tell him that you are still angry and hurt over what happened. If you want to know his side of the story and he is willing to share that with you, then accept it but don't be too judgemental. You are also an adult and at some point, you have to put the past to rest and take what IS. You don't have to choose one extreme or another. You can be nice to him without being overly friendly and also distant without completely cutting him out. At some point in the future, you may WANT him in your life even though it is hard to see right now.

Answer 7

My dad was very similar, although he didn't leave us because of another woman - he became an alcoholic and drifted apart from the family, although he is dry now. There was very little (if any contact) for many years. I have seen him a few times over the past few years but the pattern is repeating itself now because he has only met my daughter once (15mths old) and my niece once (5 yo). But to be frank, life's too short to say never again. I accept now that is who he is and I don't worry at all if I don't hear from him from one month to the next, and just see it as a bonus if he does get in touch or sends my daughter a present. I wouldn't dream of cutting him out of my life completely as I've just accepted that's how things are going to be.

It sounds to me that you haven't worked through all of your issues to do with your father leaving you or you would be much more comfortable with cutting him out of your life completely. Until you're sure that you have dealt with it all (through counselling or whatever) then don't burn any bridges.

Answer 8

He's a sperm donor. I call my father (hey - maybe we're related - they sound so similar) it.
He's damaged you emotionally, and scarred you mentally. Can you forgive him? A lot of people come to realise they make mistakes when they've finished growing up. It takes some people a lot longer than others. Personally, I'd be polite, treat him like an uncle (not a favourite one!) and think of him as someone who hasn't contributed much to your life. It that doesn't work - do what I did to my father - dump him! I felt incredibly free and even when he died, I felt no regrets! Kids have got feelings, too.

Answer 9

Anyone can be a father, ya just need to leave some genetic material. But it takes someone really special to be a DAD, he's the one that's ther for you. It sounds like you've alread made up your mind about him though, so I'd go with your instincts and let him hang.

Answer 10

it seems like u had a though life...i dont know,best thing is for u do decide...he is your biological father but that doesnt mean u need to call him dad...u shouldnt break every relationships with him,especially cos he might had kids(i dont know it from your question) and those are still your half brothers who arent the one to blame...u know he is only a human,he made mistakes over and over,perhaps he will never regret it,but it is important for u not to have any regrets...try not to be bitter,think of your kids one day,they will want to meet their grand dad...best of luck,hope my advice will do u better,and if not then someone elses... =)

Answer 11

Husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters are all individual beings in their own right. When parents go there separage ways it is always difficult for the children - they are bound to side with one or the other parent. My advice is to love both of your parents regardless - you will no doubt have children of your own one day and a partner, be true to yourself and be happy.