Don't believe in smacking? Experienced parents only, please.?

Question

How do you discipline your child in a way that means they understand your point of view so that they are well behaved, not cheeky and obey you? I'm not against smacking, per se, but I do believe it builds a barrier and breeds resentment against the parent. One of the things I do is fine my kids. cheek me and it costs £5 - quickly makes my teenager think twice before opening her mouth. What do you do.

I'm not asking for advice, as such. My daughters are both under control at the moment. But never ever feel smug about this! I'm asking how other people deal with mouthy teenagers.

Answer 1

That's all fine and well... but there WILL be times when a good whack on their seat will get and hold their attention that a particular action or attitude will NOT be tolerated.

Answer 2

My daughter is only 8, but considered by many to be polite, helpful, considerate and generally well behaved. She is not perfect, and has her moment. Mostly I don't have to do more than tell her in a firm voice. She went through a stage a few months back where she was so incredibly willfull, constantly pushing boundaries and disobeying whatever I said, however I said it, bearing in mind I always explain to her why I am saying it and make sure that she is praised a lot as well. I warned her that one more breach and I would smack her, as although I feel exactly like you do about it, I didn't know what else to do. That very day she did all she could to push me, and eventually ended up with me smacking her ****, once, but fairly hard. She didn't cry or anything, and she did say she was sorry. There was an immedate marked improvement in her behaviour and there has been no repeat of that willfullness. Saying that, she can still be cheeky and not do as she is asked, but that is easily resolved. In that case, it worked. We also talked about it and both agreed that we would work to ensure that situation didn't have to happen again. She did tell all her friends that her mother beat her though and phoned me to say she would be two minutes late home and was telling me as she didn't want a beating!! Cheeky miss!

Answer 3

We brought up our two girls with a system of rewards for good behaviour and forfeits for bad. However, we occasionally smacked them as an ultimate sanction. We only did this after explaining to them the reasons why and NEVER in anger. I think you have to stop when the kids get to 11 or so. Apart from the fact that to smack a teenager is humiliating, you run the risk of provoking a violent response. By the time they get to that age, you should be able to agree reasonable contracts of behaviour. Smacking, if used sparingly, doesn't breed resentment.

Answer 4

A firm swat to the rear while they are young is fine , also builds character... I was always told that smacking their face was 'life threatening' to young ones ... so I don't do that.
But, it sounds like you have some teens though.... oh TEENS!!!!! too big to smack & too small to let go on their own...
They are so full of it and think they know everything.
I think that you are doing the right thing I have found with my teens getting to them in 'creative' ways is much more fun.... the idea of sending a teenager to their room is outrageous, have you see thier rooms they have more technology in that small space than I do in all of my house!!!
Not really, but sending them there would be OK with them because that is all they want, to be left alone.
Now back to being creative while punishing teens.
You have to find what 'bothers' them For my oldest it is chores.
I read once and idea: get a package of index cards, or playing cards if you like... write on them various chores, windows, vaccuming, sweeping, mopping , dusting, laundry, dishes, all that you can think of. When a child breaks a rule, such as 'being cheeky' they earn themselves a quick pick of the 'deck of chores'-which they muct do for recompence for their misdeed.
I do like your idea that they pay you for this...for some reason $ works for kids. You have to find what they HATE and make it work to your advantage!!!!
I am glad that you care enought to discipline, a lot of parents dont.
God Bless

Answer 5

I always said I would not smack but when it came to being a parent, I have a few times but only the one tap on the hand or leg as a last resort. And I hate it. It works better to have a really boring corner for the child (toddler) to stand in. I hope this continues to work and toddler grows into a respectful child and teenager......no idea what to do then though.

Answer 6

When my daughter was a teenager (not long ago, she is 25 now) whenever she mouthed off to me that was it! She was grounded - the only time she was allowed to go out was to go to school, she could not see any of her friends (and you know how much that means to them!) and she wasn't allowed to use the phone. But you have to be consistent, no matter how they try to get you to change your mind, you never should. When you ground them, you have to set a time period (i.e. 1 week, 2 weeks, etc.) and you have to stick to it no matter what. My daughter and I are very close, and she thanks me now for the discipline I gave her. She even told me she hopes that she can be as good a Mom as I was with her own children! Discipline can bring wonderful rewards in the years to come. (Also, while they are grounded, you have a chance to really talk to them from your heart, and get to know each other even better).

Answer 7

I truly didn't do a whole lot of spanking my kids I mean when they was coming up it was a certain look that me or that their dad gave them when they were being disrespectful and they knew right away to straighten up!!! As teenagers I take something of value from them something like my 13 year olds xbox 360 or tell my 16 year old no driving for you this weekend or no going to the mall with your friends and that seems to be discipline enough.The key is start while they are young and when they grow older they respect you at least 95 percent of the time!

Answer 8

i have a six year old
frankly, i think smacking a teenager isn't on.
i smacked my daughter when she was two years old and there was no other way to reason with her. I haven't smacked her at all for over six months, and then only once in the six months before that.

my nephew's parents were all touchy feely, letting him set his own boundaries and trying to treat him like an adult. what he really wanted was boundaries to show that they loved him. he didn't get those boundaries and two days ago was sent to a young offenders institute in Bristol.

I would say hard boundaries, that you keep to, are important for showing your kids that you love them. Keeping to boundaries, especially when it costs both you and them time and effort, is essential for encouraging good behaviour. It's good to be their friends, but we are first and foremost their parents.

I just asked her why I smacked her, and she says 'because I was naughty ... but it's a bit babyish for me now" meaning that, at the age of six, she doesn't need smacking because she knows the boundaries.

I would NEVER smakc while angry - that's an absolute.
looks like you're getting plenty of advice.
but i'd say that smacking has not created a boundary between us, but has contrariwise developed a sense of security and trust in boundaries.

Answer 9

your kids have to live by your rules until they are 18, I think that if they can afford to hav £5 taken from their pocket money or whatever money they have it isn't much of a deterrent, taking privileges away, and luxuries like playstations tv's etc is more effective any kid is going to realise who's boss if they end up with just the basics for living and moderate any behaviour. but I have to say as a bloke when I was a teenager there were certain things that only the fear of getting a whack acted as a deterrent.

Answer 10

While i don't like doing it, ther are times when a smack is the only way to get through to a young child. Having said that, it is a LAST resort.
I've found that otherwise, a time out (sitting on the bottom step) is a good way of making them understand they've done wrong. (one miniute for every year of their life is a good rule of thumb)
I'm going to use the £5 thing when they get older though, so thank you for that tip.

Answer 11

No. It doesn't work and your kids will probably resent you. I do remember one incident though when I was driving my son and 2 other kids, when he was very little (before seat belts were mandatory). They were all jumping around in the back seat, not listening and distracting me. I was afraid of being in an accident, so I told them to sit quietly or I would just stick my hand back there and smack whoever and whatever. I did have to do it too, and ended up hitting my own son's leg (not very hard).