How do i deal with my mother?

Question

my past with my mother was really bad and i know she doesn't really love me that much and she is about 25% mentally ill and 75% of the time she bullshits a lot now i moved far away from her and havn't talked to her in a year. Now she pretends everything is normal, but she just doesn't understand how the way we lived was abnormal. She hardly knows me because she would give me the time or day and i don't know her because she's so screwed up. What do i have to do to feel better?

Answer 1

My Mother and I have a disfunctional relationship that sounds alot like yours. My advice to you is this: Your Mother is not going to change, and if she is anything like my Mother, she will never admit to, or own up to all the crap that happened in the past.
Your options are either to just put the past behind you and never bring it up, (and somehow live with it), confront her, or never speak to her again.

I understand this is hard. I am getting ready to move away and I'm not telling my Mother where I'm going (or that I am going) because I am attempting to make a clean break from her bs. It has taken me a year to finally come to this decision. Do what is right for you--whether that means confronting her or letting it go. I confronted my Mother again and again, and all I did was waste my energy and gave her the opportunity to play the victim.

Be strong and realize that no matter how messed up your past is, you do have a future, and within you is the same potential for greatness that we each possess. Go out in the world and succeed!

Best of Luck to you & I hope you find peace.

Answer 2

I believe you have to accept the fact that some relationships are toxic and that you have a personal responsibility to remove yourself from toxic relationships for your own well being. You have done this. Speak to her on occasion -- or don't -- whatever you can live with, and the rest of the time, don't waste your life or your positive energy feeling guilty or over analyzing the past. It sounds like you have recognized the situation for what it is. Giving birth to someone doesn't make someone a real mother any more than impregnating a woman makes someone a real father. Biology aside, you will eventually find the person who is intended to give you maternal guidance while you are on the planet. It may be a friend, an aunt, a grandmother, a co-worker. Accept their guidance and love as the healthy substitute that it can be, and keep on your journey to enjoy the one life you've been given. The best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Ask yourself this question: How was she treated by her mother? Many mothers just pattern their behavior this way. They haven't learned any other way. Does she have a substance abuse problem, like alcohol? If so, that's what your relationship has been with - the alcoholic. You can't have a healthy relationship until that person is able to admit to themselves that they need help. You might try writing a tough love letter to your mother telling her how her behavior has affected your relationship and that you long for a loving relationship with her. Encourage counseling with a third non-related party. I hope that you do this. If she dies, you will know that you at least gave it your best efforts. I really hope that you get some closure with this before she's gone and can live with some peace. I know it hurts you. Hugs!

Answer 4

Sometimes our natural mothers screw up-- and they leave imprints on their children behind. Just remember that you are better than that -- you don't have to follow this selfish cycle that she's chosen.

If she is one-quarter mentally ill, then what she thinks really doesn't matter. She's obviously trying hard not to remember the way she has messed up before, and refusing to deal with the past is only further proof of her mental illness.

Do try to patch things up with her, at least talk on the phone-- but if you feel that becoming 'close' again would jeopardize your happiness -- don't do it. I'm not 'close' with my mother, either. We still call and chat once every two weeks, but I live nowhere near her.

Sometimes it works out like that. I hope someone fills that space in you -- it hurts, I know. <=)

Answer 5

Why is it that mothers like ours don't realize the damage they did to their kids? I totally feel your pain. My main mission in life was to get away from her, but to mend my scars from my childhood and to revisit youth, I gave up a lucrative career to work with kids. Watching them, they are so precious that it makes me realize that I must have been also precious. Now I work with older kids and I have the opportunity to help when those with screwed up parents. And, my mom now needs me after my brother's suicide, so she tries very hard to keep a regular contact with me.

But for me, I just treat her as an acquaintance and give her money when she needs it. I still want her to be happy, but my days of trying to win her love is over. Now, I do what I can because she was a single mom providing for us. But, I don't get into any emotional conversation with her because she never gave me the emotional connection when growing up.

I guess what I"m trying to say is that I think it's right for you to be angry and sad about your relationship with her, and you'll no doubt go through various stages to resolve it. Whatever and however you decide to handle it will be the right thing for you. By the fact that you ask these questions shows that you have a good heart.

Answer 6

It depends on if you want a relationship with her or not. If so then I would have a heart to heart with her. Lay it all out on the line. How she has made you feel.Your fears about her involvement in your life. Even perhaps family counseling. If you do not want her in your life....still have the talk. Let her know why you feel as you do. If nothing else this will give you some closer. Best wishes.

p.s. counseling for yourself either way could be helpful.

Answer 7

look she will NEVER give you the validation you need for closure. She will never admit to the things she's done to you or the pain she caused you. She may even go as far as to say " well if you weren't such a bad kid " or better yet " you made me sick . You are the reason I'm mental " . Unfortunately these types of things lead to addictions . I have been down this road with my own mother. I pretty much had to learn how to set bounderies with her.

Answer 8

Coming from a similar situation i can say you need to move on and let the idea of a normal relationship with her go. She will never understand what she put you through and I doubt she has seen the error of her ways. think of it as a freeing time for you and drop your childhood baggage and start to live for you. Good luck.

Answer 9

My Mother gave me up when I was 6 months old. She had some mental and drug problems. All my life, I held it against her for giving me away. She died 3 years ago. For eleven years prior, we didn't speak. But before she died, I let her know that I understood it was for my benefit. Mental illnesses can cause a lot of choices made that otherwise wouldn't be. Just forgive her and be thankful that you've made it! It's Your conscious thats bothering you, not hers!

Answer 10

READ THIS CAREFULLY!!
I think i know how you feel. You know what your situation reminds me of? the song Hate me by Blue october. Hearing that song, and the words to it, makes me feel so much better because thats exactley what i would sing to my parents if i could.I've had so much problems with them until i totally gave up hope that they loved me. I really hope you hear the song and check out the lyrics. And after you heard the song, look at the video. And after you see the video, go to THIS link!!!
http://www.roxwel.com/player/makingofblueoctoberhateme.html?artist=Blue%20October
Its a video commentary. And it has A REALLY IMPORTANT MESSAGE IN THE END. It toatally changed my relationship w/ my parents.