make me laugh {no blonde jokes please!!!!}?

Question

my friends and i are bored.please make us laugh.the one that makes us laugh most gets 10 points.NO BLONDE JOKES PLEASE!!!

Answer 1

ok there once was a girl named sleepy sunday school suzy and she was in the class sleeping, when her teacher asked what was the name of Gods son. Tommy in the seat behind her poked suzy in the but with a needle she jumped up and said JESUS! she soon fell back asleep and the teacher called on her again, and asked, " what is our creators name" tommy again poked her in the butt and she jumped up saying GOOD GOD. She soon fell asleep. The teacher called on her and asked " What did eve say to adam when they were having their 88th child? again tommy poked her. She jumped up screaming " YOU STICK THAT THING UP MY BUTT ONE MORE TIME ILL SNAPP IT IN HALF!!!!!!!"

Answer 2

Tom was having sever pain in his arm when one of his boys noticed it.
"I don't know what it is" said Tom "I haven't been able to shake this pain for a good while. And I don't have the money or the time to see a doctor"
"A bunch of leeches!!!" his friend said "But here's a better solution. Down by the drugstore, there's a diagnostic machine. You give it $10 and a urine sample, and it'll tell you exactly what's wrong and how to treat it"

Tom was skeptical but he decided to test it out. So he fed the machine his $10 and poured in the urine sample, and waited. The machine whirred and clicked for a couple fo seconds the spit out a print-out. It read:
"You have Tennis Elbow. Alternate heat and ice. Avoid strenuous activity. Symptom should fade in 2 weeks."

At dinner that evening, Tom pondered the wonders of this advancement in technology, and wondered if it could be tricked. So that evening he produced another sample: In the cup he added water from the garden hose, some of his dog's stool, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and for added good measure, jerked off into the cup, mixed the concoction together and went back to the drugstore. He fed the machine another $10, poured in the sample, and waited.

The machine whirred and clicked, whirred and clicked again, then finally printed out the results. They read:

"You have hard water. Use a softener"
"Your dog is constipated. Switch brands of dog food"
"Your daughter's a heroin addict. Call a counselor"
"Your wife is pregnant. Twin girls. You're not the father. Call your lawyer"
"And if you don't quit playing with yourself, your elbow's never going to heal"

Answer 3

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 4

CHeck this one:

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Answer 5

Ugly Person Illness

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The Homely person walked into the Doctors office and said "Doctor" I'm so depressed and lonely, I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness? "Im sure I can, the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch.

Answer 6

A few years age, George Bush was visiting England, and was invited to tea with the Queen. He askes her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Two weeks later Bush is back in Washington D.C. and is talking with his secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld.

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rumsfeld scratches his head and thinks about it for a long time, and finally says, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Rumsfeld leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of the entire US Senate, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rumsfeld calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rumsfeld rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

"No you idiot!" Bush replies, "It's Tony Blair!"

Answer 7

A guy asks a friend how do you meet so meny women,the friend says I put a potato down my pants and they come to me. he says grate I'll try it. the friend goes down to the beach were the guy is and asks hows the girl meeting going. the guy says iv been down here all day and havent meet any women,this potato down my pants dosent seem to work for me.
the friend says, you have to put it in the frunt.

Answer 8

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
--- Dam.

Answer 9

chuch makes me laugh all the time...

but remeber
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Answer 10

Who painted the balls on my small horse blue?
It was me.
I'm here to let you know they are ready for another coat.