How do I get over the death of my still born son?

Question

I lost him at 21 weeks gestation due to loss of amniotic fluid from an amniocentesis. I keep replaying his birth over and over in my head, and constantly think of him. He was born still may 27th. I constantly cry for him. Any advice tips? any ladies gone through this? how do you get over the loss of a child? i feel like i'm never gonna get through this. would antidepressives help? do you think i also have post partum depression?

Answer 1

Corina,

I am so very sorry that you have experienced such a terrible and painful tragedy. To have carried your little boy and known his closeness, maybe even begun to recognize his little personality and to of course envision him growing with you as his mommy throughout his life is a truly sad and difficult thing. I only wish that I could hug you and cry with you a while rather than only offering my words as comfort.

Corina, the truth is that when we lose people -- whether they are older and well established parts of our lives, or in your case, a growing life filled with hope and promise within you who is suddenly gone, we really never "get over" such losses. He will always be part of you, honey. He will always be your little boy; you will always be his mommy and now for the rest of your life, his loss will be part of who you are, part of your own identity, just as he would have been if he had lived. You are a mommy, kiddo, and you always will be from this day forth.

So again, how do we overcome or get past such losses? Truthfully we do not. What we do is make a decision, to either be broken, forever sad, forever feeling the bitter loss of it -- or to absorb the pain, accept that this terrible thing has happened and then go on with our lives, a little stronger, a little more able to understand someone else's pain.

There is no goodness in it, Corina. There is not a bright side or a silver lining to having lost your little boy. It is bad news, a heartbreaking loss and a thing that has the potential to either make you or break you. The only good that can ever come out of this thing -- the only good that his little short life can ever serve now, is to make you a better, stronger, more loving, more empathetic, deeper person. If he had lived, he would have one day grown up to make you a very proud mommy. Because he only lives now in heaven, it is for you to make him proud of what a beautiful mommy you still are.

Don't bother with antidepressants; would you really want a drug to make you feel happy durring a time that you should be mourning? Experience the pain of it; let it roll over you like waves. Go ahead and cry your tears out until your eyes are dry and red; scream into your pillow as loud as you can and weep for your little guy. He was yours, but now he is gone and you are allowed to let your broken heart bleed all over the place for a while.

After a time, you will have less tears and more wisdom; less pain and more strength; less helplessness and a greater ability to love, understand and help others. Corina, in many ways your son would have made you more of a woman -- more accomplished, more wise, more stable minded -- girl, he still will, because you're going to have to grow and stretch just to be able to laugh again.

Set a date, little sister, set a date to put your mourning down -- maybe July 28th, two months, one good night's sleep and a brand new morning sun later. On that day, on the morning of July 28th., get up extra early, wash your face -- splash some cold water over your skin and on your face. Squeeze the last tears out of your eyes and then go wash your face in cold water. When you are done, start your life again.

When thoughts of him come to mind, reject sadness as if it were an ugly, short little bald man with bad teeth and a big mole on his nose coming to ask you for a big sloppy kiss -- say, "NO!" and turn your back on sadness. Go ahead and imagine how he must be growing, laughing and playing with other little lost boys in heaven. Imagine him having fun like he never could have had here on earth. Don't bother talking to him or any such silliness, cause every mom knows that little boys have better things to do than comfort their crying mommies. Just think of him getting older and smarter. Think of the lovely place he is at and how he looks forward to meeting you one day many years from now. When you have more children, wait till they're a little older and tell them about their big brother in heaven; allow him to be part of your life, just as he always would have been and just as he will always be, but instead of allowing him and his little identity be defined by your loss and sadness, allow him to live on in your imagination as the growing boy that he is in a far better place.

This will not cure your pain, Corina. This will not make it all okay. You have suffered a terrible loss and your tears will not be completely dried until you yourself reach heaven one day, but in the meantime, live the kind of life that honors him, not a life of misery and sadness, but a life of joy and new beginnings. God gave him to you just long enough for you to know that he's there, so remember that he really is there and be the kind of mommy he can be proud of when he looks down on you from heaven.

Your pain will pass and you will be stronger and better. Allow it to be so and it will be so. This is my prayer for you in Jesus' name.

With Love,

Rebecca

Answer 2

My heart just breaks for you. Yes, I have gone through this in a very similar way. You need to be speaking to your doctor about being put on antidepressants and/or receiving counseling. I hope that you have a supportive partner and family. That is what helped me the most when I went through it. It will get better, I promise. You will always remember this loved child and he will always be in your heart. It does happen that many women will experience extreme post partum depression when they lose a baby. I do not know your age or if this was your first pregnancy or not; but these factors can also have a bearing on the amount of depression you will feel. You may be able to get some couseling through the hospital your doctor is affiliated with, many hospitals have support groups and couselors available for this type of grief and pain. If you belong to a religious community, counseling and support will be available there also. Best of luck to you, may God hold you gently in his hand in your time of loss and sorrow. I still think about and love my lost child in my heart and it is many years later. I do know that she is in heaven, and I will see her again someday.

Answer 3

First of all make sure that you talk, talk, talk to others about this. You will never get over the loss of your child, but things will get easier. Talk to your Ob/gyn, yes antidepressants may work for you. You will get through this, take one day at a time. Feel your pain and grief, don't try to rush through it. Each person has their own time frame for how they mourn loss, so what is right for one, is not right for another. I am sorry for your loss, while I have not suffered the loss of a child, I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling. Try not to keep re-playing the events over and over, when this starts to happen try to think of something else. Think of him in heaven being happy and in no pain, or if you don't believe in that type of thing, think of whatever makes you happy or smile. It is not a betrayal to your late son to want to move forward and be happy, on the contrary, the best thing you can do is try to move forward and keep on living your life. There is no shame in seeking counseling and talking to someone about this, it may help you to put some things into perspective. As well meaning as family and friends are sometimes they are not the ones to give the best advice. Sometimes you need an impartial person, who really does not know you, to see the situation and give you the help that you need. I am not saying that this is the case in your situation with friends and family, this has just been my experience when I went through a tough time after my daughter was born. She had colic, and I had the baby blues. Anyway seek help, keep talking about him, and know that "this too shall pass". You will eventually understand why you had to go through this, and I promise you, you will become a stronger person. There have been times in my life where I had that gut-wrenching hurt, that no-one could help or understand. I know that this is what you are going through. The only person that can ultimately pull you through this is you. While others can help, you will have to be the one to go through the stages of grief and all that it entails. You can do it, as I said take one day at a time and know that there are strangers out here who are praying for you to have the healing and piece of mind you deserve.

Answer 4

I am so sorry for your loss. I am not going to attempt to tell you that I know how you feel, because I don't. I cannot imagine what you must be going through.
The advice I can give is that you talk to your doctor and ask for some medicine to help balance the chemicals that are making you feel this way. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Depression is simply a chemical inbalance and it needs to be corrected with medicine. Anti depressants can swing you 180 degrees, back to happy instead of sad.

Answer 5

you have had a great loss in your life one that will be with you forever my daughter died at 2 months 27 yrs ago and still i think of her every day ,you will get through it but its going to be one of the hardest things you have or will ever deal with i no your heart is broken into and you feel so empty and helpless inside and i wont sit here and lie to you and say it will be ok because it wont when your son died a part of you died to its hard real hard and the pain sometimes feels like its killing you but the antidepressants will help you need something just to help you out some if you need to talk you can IM me on yahoo sclady62001p my thoughts and my prayers are with you

Answer 6

Your question is a healer by itself.
Some people get lost in their bereavement without realizing that they are drowning. Some people realize this but too exhausted or to lazy to get up. If you sincerely ask this question, you have step on at least three steps up the ladder.
I had a sister who died of cancer when she was still 8. My mother was totally broke down. She then was very busy teaching children, doing her sundays classes, and learn mandarin at the same time.
She didnt have time for any therapy, nor any medication. I belive she made herself so busy to distract her from mourning all day.
yes she cried frequently, but she also laugh frequently.
My suggestion for first 'make busy' activity (if you are healthy enough) : clean your house, change interior design, blood donor, etc.
I hope this helps
I always believe that god wants to take the good persons quickly as he could not stay away from them longer

Answer 7

You have a problem that will require someone you trust to help you work through it.

You have done nothing wrong. It is very important you understand this. You also need someone to talk to. Ask your doctor to recommend someone, or ask your pastor.

I remember someone being surprised I was crying when I had a false pregnancy, and there had never been a baby. If that made me sad, I can only imagine your grief.

Get help. If you can, get someone to recommend a psychiatrist. If you can't get help from your doctor or pastor, ask everybody you meet if they know who might help you.

You can get over this, and you will. Stay strong. Keep your sanity.

Answer 8

I'm sorry for your terrible loss, and think that you should talk to your doctor about your feelings. It is quite normal to feel sad and depressed after such a tragedy, but there are many things you can do to get over it. Your Dr. can recommend support groups that have people who have experienced the same thing. Please seek help. Take care.

Answer 9

I have miscarried twice...both times I was only about 12 weeks along...that has been 19 yrs ago and 14 yrs ago....I'm still dealing with it.The way I got myself through it after it first happened was reassure myself that one day I would be blessed with a healthy child....I looked at my miscarrages as God way of telling me I wasn't ready to be a parent yet.You will always think about him till your days here on earth are done....and you will continue to cry for always but always remember ..... that tiny baby is above you now....watching down on you and being your gaurdian angel....thats what I do and it helps

Answer 10

hey... your position can happen to everyone that is part of life. just be strong and pray he will give you want you need trust me. some people have bitter experience but when ask them how do they get through... God helped me.