Should I be thinking this way?

Question

I was dating/living with this guy for 2 years. About 10 months ago we broke up. While I was living with him he verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me. To this day I still want to call him and see what's going on. I miss him. People keep telling me that I shouldn't even be thinking of him because of the way he treated me. Am I wrong for still having feelings for this guy? I mean...he really abused me!

Answer 1

Of course it's wrong and you know it is. Why can't you admit to yourself that you don't need this guy and it's time to move on?

Answer 2

I don't not think it's wrong. I actually think it is normal While he was abusing you he also brainwashed you in a way. He probably stated that you couldn't live with out him, and that you would never find anyone as good as he was. That you'll never make it on your own, and all that good stuff that abusers like to say. He was also probably more than willing to blame you if something didnt go right, and hurt you if he had a bad day. If the wind blew the wrong way that day, you probably got the brunt of it. No I don't find it wrong for you to still think about him. After all you did spend two years together. Not just together, but lived with him. Thats alot of emotions to deal with. You most likely found yourself deeply inlove, and at times really believing what he was telling you. Perhaps at times when he said you could do no better than he, you actually thought it was true. You obviously found out otherwise, but at the time it was a major thing for you. That leaves emotional scars. Ones that do not just heal over night. Not to mention, the abuse that he put you through is something that you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. New relationships you will question and wonder in the back of your mind..will this new guy be like the old one. Will he say and do the same things. Perhaps even waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.
The thing to remember is that it is over. The abuse is over. The pain emotional, physical, sexual abuse its all over, and you dont have to deal with that. When dealing with feelings of affection towards him, try to bring your mind back to how terribly he hurt you.
Also it might be good to get into a support group. Abuse is never a pretty thing, and it leaves lasting effects up on our systems. The memories alone can bring trauma, but you actually went through it. So each time the memory happens, it brings the trauma back to life. Its a good thing to be able to talk to someone about what happened to you. Even if you have to get a friend to go with you at first.
In our town We have whats called C.O.D.A. Councile On Domestic Abuse. Which Domestic Abuse is what you went through. Whether physical or not, the mental and emotional abuse is something quite big too.
I have been through it. I know, and fully understand. If there is a time you need to talk to someone feel free to msg Me.
I hope I have been of some help.

Answer 3

You are having masochistic type fantasies. You sound as if you didn't enjoy the relationship but on a certain level the abuse is actually some kind to turn-on to you. As messed up as it seems, you are not alone. Lots of people misinterpret abuse as a form of attention. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it's also a very fine line when abuse in concerned. Be careful and maybe try some role playing with someone else where you can have some fun with S&M and not all the other baggage...Good Luck

Answer 4

You;re not wrong, you just have some serious self image issues. I'm not trying to be mean, i'm just trying to be honest and straight forward, no beating around the bush (no pun intended). Women who are abused deep down, subconsciously feel they deserve it.

The fact that you feel this way is actually a feeling of still feeling that you deserve it. It tells me that your self image has not improved. You depended on him to validate you and as a result of the abuse, you rarely got validated. The only one that can validate you is you.

It's disturbing that you feel this way because it shows no progress in your state of mind. You really do need some counseling to get to the bottom of why you allowed yourself to be treated this way AND why you even have to ask if it's wrong.

Of course it's wrong, but knowing that is not enough, you need a professional to help you build your self image and confidence back up and help you to define what a healthy relationship is suppose to be like. Abuse is self anger taken out on someone who allows it. You were merely an enabler, not a love partner.

Answer 5

What is your dad like? Did he abuse your mom, or you? Was he absent? If so (even if not), I'm thinking there's something ingrained in you that attracts you to the abusive ex-bf. If I were you, I'd get some therapy. And that's not a put-down, b/c I went into therapy, and realized that I was alway attracted to emotionally unavailable guys, and was able to break that cycle and find someone who treated me right. One more thing... if you get back together with this guy and marry him and have kids, your sons will end up beating the women in their lives, and your daughters will be attracted to men who hit them. Just another thing to think about.

Answer 6

It may be wrong to feel this way, but it sounds like thats all you really know right now. The most important thing is you did get away from the abuse, because could have gotten much worse. Once a man that treats you good comes into your life, your going to wonder how you couldve ever wondered how he is. good luck.

Answer 7

It is wrong to have feelings for this guy. You just to keep in mind he abused you to make you feel that way. He wants you to feel like you need him because I am sure that Is what he told you for the two years that you were with him. You just need to keep rational and as hard as it is going to be you just have to remember the bad times and don’t believe anything he has ever told you. You are normal for feeling this way it is common among people who have been abused.

Answer 8

I may be way off, but it sounds to me like you need to work on your self esteem. No one should stay with someone that does that to them for 2 years in the first place! Now that you got away from the abuse, you shouldn't want to go back. As soon as you see yourself more as a person that deserves so much better, you'll wonder why you even wanted to stay in contact with him. It doesn't sound like he respected you. I don't know you, but I know you're a human being. You deserve to be treated like one.

Answer 9

I was abused by my first husband. That was over 9 years ago, the marriage lasted 9 months. I was finally brave enough to tell someone and they helped my kitties and me escape safely.

Perhaps YOU care about him, but HE doesn't care about you. If he really did, he wouldn't have beat and battered you!
My advise...STAY AWAY FROM HIM! The guy is dangerous. Men that are that abusive do have a tendancy to take his partner's precious life.
He hasn't changed. Just leave him a lone.

Answer 10

You have been conditioned by your ex. Living with this kind of abuse for the amount of time you have then its easy to see why you still want him. But ask your self, how many times did he say I will never do this again. If its more than once then you are so best off out of it.
Do somthing for you and you alone, ie meditation and listen to your inner voice that wnats to nurture you and have the best in life

Answer 11

It probably isnt abnormal to think about him because you invested alot of time in the relationship, but you know that calling him would only lead to trouble. Why do some women even think about wanting to put up with the abuse. Move on and find someone that loves you.