Can you make me laugh hysterically?

Question

Gimme blonde jokes, yo mama jokes and whatever you have worthy of my question:P! Gimme your best. Whoever gets me rolling on the floor laughing gets the best answer! Play nice folks!

Ok have to admit maximum C has me going pretty good! What else do all you yahooers have for me?

Answer 1

Remember, this isn't mine, but I cried when I read this.

Copyright W. Bruce Cameron

Some of you won't feel the pain, but have seen others like Judge # 3!

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. Notes from an inexperienced
Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all
of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sarah, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. girl is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sarah saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sarah. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Answer 2

Actual question with my answer and askers comments:

Asker: Cindy Loo
why do people?????????...
feel the need to copy and paste 20 recipes for one
answer?
26 answers
==================
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Answerer: Urban Coyote

I suspect they were bitten by Betty Crocker after she
came down with the rabies virus.

Is there a fetish or addiction associated with
recipes? Are these the same women who have little knit
cozy covers for their toasters and kitchen appliances?
Maybe the recipe freaks are like the two charming
aunts in "Arsenic and Old Lace."
==================
Asker's Rating:
*****
hilarious!!! i love it!
i wish i could give you 100 points!

Answer 3

The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the governments plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant during the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy Father" a government employee who attempts to solve the woman's problem by getting her pregnant.

The Smiths, a young married couple have no children and the government man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith on leaving, says "I'm off, the Government man should be here soon". Instead, however a door-to-door photographer who specialises in baby pictures rings the bell.

The conversation went as follows:

Ms. Smith: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to...

Ms. Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming.

Salesman: Oh? Well good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins.

Ms. Smith: That's what my husband said. Please sit down.

Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that...

Ms. Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.

Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with it.

Ms. Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start?

Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well.

Ms. Smith: Bathroom!!! Living room floor!!! No wonder it hasn't worked for us.

Salesman: Well lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey.

Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?

Salesman: No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a hurry.

Ms. Smith: Well have you had much success with this?

Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at these babies! They're all jobs I've handled. This one took four hours.

Ms. Smith: Yes, this is a lovely child.

Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms. Smith: OH MY GOD!!!

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work with.

Ms. Smith: Oh, she was?

Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were all around four and five deep pushing to get a good look.

Ms. Smith: Four and five deep!!!

Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up.

Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh - equipment?

Salesman: Yes, but it's all in a days work. I've spent three long years perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms. Smith: I can't believe it!

Salesman: Well, madam, if your ready, I'll get my tripod.

Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???!!!

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy to hold in my hand. Ms. Smith... Ms. Smith...Ms. Smith... Goodness, she fainted!!!

Answer 4

yo mamas so fat that when she went to kfc ,the casheir said what sized bucket do you want and she said the one on the roof.

yo mamas so fat that when she went into the classroom she sat next to everyone but yet she wasn't as fat as your dad.

yo mamas so skinny she could hoola hoop through a cherrio.

Answer 5

all u have to do is start laughin

Answer 6

probably not