6 year old confused about dads help!?

Question

My 6 year old met her dad when she was 1 and has had a relationship with him ever since, she met my husbad when she was about 20 months and fell in love with him right away. She slowly over the years progressed from calling him Jon to Daddy-Jon now just Dad/Daddy, when people ask her about her step-dad she insists she doesn't have one and that she just simply has 2 dads. Her dad is really threatened by this and yells at her for it, he only sees her maybe...less than 2 months out of the year, never calls, no cards on birthdays, nothing...just when he is supposed by the court order. I feel awful for her and I tell her her feelings are totally ok but what should I when she's with him and doesn't know how to feel, I don't want her to get in trouble!! At our house her feelings are valid and appreciated, at her dad's..nope!

ok so here's the deal for the people that don't think it's right for her to call my husband dad-her dad when asked to give my daughter to my husband said no...because it would make him look bad! he was late for her surgery but jon was there holding her sniffy (blanket) he's there in the middle of the night when she has a bad dream...if she cries at her dad's house she's sent to her room, if she doesn't want to throw garbage out of the car because we're "tree huggers" as he calls us then she gets in trouble...i realize this is hurting her but i can't just sit down and talk to her dad, i've tried and he lies and says he isn't bothered by it and he doesn't yell at her, but she's 6 and she can tell me..i let her feel naturally i'm not going to make the decision of whether she calls my husband dad that's HER decision!!!!

Answer 1

I know how you feel. My daughter is 7 and I've been with my husband (not her father) for a little over 3 years. She calls him Rene, when she's talking directly to him but she referees to him as my dad when she talks to other people, well her grandmother doesn't appreciate that because her son is my daughter father. She also gets after her and tells her that, that's not her father. I just tell her to agree with her and let it go. I tell her that she doesn't know what they have (my daughter and Rene) and that she doesn't understand because she doesn't live with us so to just not argue with her. It seems to work for us. You know sometimes you don't even have to say anything. Kids are so smart and they pick up on things very quick. Your daughter will understand soon enough and will let them hear what they want just so she doesn't get scalded. They know who treats them right and who doesn't and remember, " Actions Speak Louder Than Words" Good Luck !

Answer 2

My suggestion is stuff a boot up the dad's (not your husbands) rear. AHEM! ^-^ No No! Please don't, that might be illegal!

I guess I don't totally understand, I don't have a step-father. I'm adopted, though, and I sort of get offened when someone will sayi something about 'real mothers' or 'real fathers'. My mommy and daddy (Yes, I still use those 'childish' words at 17) that RAISED me, were there for my birthdays, holidays, when I was sick, etc, etc... Those people are my mommy and daddy. My point is, I think it's kind of the same situation for your daughter. If your husband is there for her birthdays, sicknesses, school plays, and other important things, then he IS her father.

And her other daddy? If he's only there when he /HAS/ to be, I don't think he really needs the title of daddy. BUT, I think she probably loves them both. And at 6 years old it's probaby okay to let her call them both that. But, with her being yelled at, and told to do things she isn't comfortable with, that's bad on her I think. You need to talk to her father, but he sounds scary, so be careful.

Then again, maybe you should talk to her father and see why he is so threatened. I can guess, and I'm sure he feels bad that she is calling another man daddy--- but I can see why. So talk to him, not with anger, but with the though of trying to help your daughter.

Answer 3

You have to look at this from all sides. Of course the childs father feels threatened by this other person being called Daddy. I have a stepkiddo and she tells me that her mom tells her all the time that she is the momma and not me. She is very threatened by my presence in her childs life. (I never let the stepkiddo call me mom or anything). I don't know your situation exactly, if the real dad is nearby, or if he lives far away but still sees the child whenever he can etc. I do know that he should not be yelling at her for this. If he is, it might be best to sit down and explain to your child exactly what is happening. When my stepkiddo called me mom one day at the store, I told her that I was not her mom, that she had a mom who loved her very much, that I loved her, but that I was just not her mom. (I was thrilled though, to hear her say it!). Turns out she didn't like people asking her questions about me and her situation. She was aware of the looks people gave her like pity becaus eher parents were divorced. The reality is, we are all happier now and my stepkiddo knows it and she is too. I told her she could tell anyone she wants to that her family is none of their business. I don't know if she has or not, but it hasn't been a problem since. Since our kiddos are the same age, I'll share this with you too. Mine thought that her step cousin was her step sister. Turns out she had confusion about a lot of things with her family dynamic. Best advice is to sit down and explain to her. You need to decide if you want her to keep calling Jon "Daddy" or not. If she stops, that stops the yelling. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk about this more.

Answer 4

Okay, having not gone through this I can only tell you what I think and how I feel reading what your daughter is going through. I think she has the right idea in saying she has two dads. She knows that her biological dad is her dad, but her step dad is there for her day to day which makes him a real dad. You really need to have sit down with your ex and explain what's going on. If he would like to be more of a part of his daughter's life, then he can get upset at how she calls him(step-father) dad. Until that day though, what does he really have to complain about?

Answer 5

What a sad situation for a child to be in when their real father is so insecure and couldn't give two shits about his own daughter to not celebrate her birthday or be there for her unless ordered.

Thankfully, this wonderful stepfather of hers is helping her find out what a real daddy is and how great it is to have two parents.

Her biological father should NOT be yelling at her for something like this. Putting myself in his position, i would also be a little upset about it, but then if I actually CARED about it, I would FIND a way to get back into my daughter's life instead of being upset with a SIX year old little girl.

You should keep doing what you're doing. Her feelings are okay, as her stepfather is technically her daddy (you're married). If it was a boyfriend, then totally different story.

If he ever goes beyond yelling at her and she is afraid of him, then you need to tell the court that and go from there.

Answer 6

Hmmm, tough one! It's true that it's her decision, and peronally, I think that her calling your husband Dad is more logical than her calling her real father Dad! I'm a firm believe in nurture over nature, being a Dad isn't about what a partenity test says, it's about what you do. The only thing you could do is talk to her real father, but I can see that doesn't work! Maybe try this... Say to her father that you can't figure out why she's confused about all the things that go on with her when she's with him, so you'd like to spend some time together with your daughter, her father and yourself, like on a picnic. See how he reacts. If he acts fine, say you'd like to do it again, and the next time bring your husband. If he acts differently around your daughter at all, it'll likely come out a bit when she's playing with your husband. This gives you ammo to tlak to him about it, saying that you've seen that it obviously bothers him. The lying and subterfuge isn't great, but sometimes you've gotta play dirty to get a result. And if he doesn't shape up, speak to Child Services about your options. They might recommend a counselling service or something that you can go to as a family. Good luck, I hope everything works out!

Answer 7

I am in my twenties and both of my parents remarried when I was very young. I think it's great that your daughter has a father figure in her life who is there for her. If she feels he's her father too it shouldn't matter what your ex thinks. Divorce is so hard on kids and it seems like your ex just wants to make it harder. Have you considered family therapy including your new husband, daughter, you, and your ex? I wish my family had done something like that b/c my father was a real piece of cr@p. I always wanted him to be a better dad but you can't change people who don't want to change. My mom always says she wanted us to have a great relationship and for him to stop speaking his mind about child support, step-parents, and visitation. Your daughter is young enough that this could all be turned around with some effort of your ex!

Answer 8

I have many of the same problems in my divorce. Your daughter and her feelings are the most important. If the "father" isn't around enough and she feels comfortable calling your husband daddy you should let her. I am sorry for her to be in that situtation, but you can't ask a 6 year old to bottle up her feelings, her biological father will just have to realize the way thing are, are the way they are.

Answer 9

She is only 6. Does she even know what a step dad is? Allow her to have her two daddys. Tell her real father that her step dad is more like a father to her and he should understand and appreciate the fact that someone else is always there for his daughter and willing to love her unconditionally.

Answer 10

i think it is perfectly natural for her to want to call her stepfather "daddy" since he is obviously filling that role. You need to address the situation with her biological father. Explain to him why she does this and remind him that if he had been more of a father to her, that things may have been different.
I hate when men want the "fun" of being a daddy but not the responsibity. After you speak to him, if he continues to yell at her for this, you may want to reconsider letting her see him. No 6 year old child should be yelled at like that and him doing so is only confusing her.