tell me a joke?

Question

no black jokes plz

thx 2 you all for making me laugh

Answer 1

Hey bob ! Check this one:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Dont move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend youre a statue."

"Whats this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Answer 2

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Answer 3

Okay, so a blonde woman is driving down the road in her new corvette when a blonde woman police officer pulls her over for speeding. The officer asks for her I.D. but the woman has trouble finding it. The officer explains it's the thing with her picture on it. So the blonde pulls out her compact and sees herself in the mirror and hands it to the officer. The blonde officer looks at the compact and says "oh, why didn't you say you were a cop, we could've avoided all this"

Answer 4

New Rules In Hell


A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".

The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".

He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"

"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.

"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"

"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.

"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.

The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".

The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".

The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.

He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.

"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand queers!"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."

Answer 5

o.k so a woman was at the river. she decided to go take a canoe out. she passed a signed that said no fishing done but she did not notice. there she was stitting in the canoe reading a book when a guard came by and said miss ur in a no fishing zone. i will have to take u to the station and file a report on you.
the woman said but am not fishing.
the officer said but you got all the gears (fishing) with you.
then the woman replied, if you take me to the station then i'll tell them that you sexually harrassed me.
the officer said but i have not touched you.
and with that she said no, but you got all the gears for it.
and with that the officer left.

Answer 6

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls` school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Answer 7

Okay ill tell ya some yo mama jokes..

Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

LOL!!!

Answer 8

a guy in a wheel chair goes to a bar and looks behind the bar and says the jesus christ the bar tender says yes and put a drink on his tabe A guy with a hump comes in and says the same as the man in the wheelchair and the bar tender puts a drink on his tab
and a redneck comes in and says the little Jc the bar tender says yes Then a precher comes in and says i can heal you with 1 touch so he tochs the man in the wheel chiar he gets up and he can walk he touchs the man with the hunch on his back he stands up and he starts to touch the redneck he says no iam on workers comp

Answer 9

A Scotsman is sitting at a bar in Cuba. A man with a large black beard walks in and asks for a shot of tequila. He drinks it, then starts to walk out. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The Cuban says, "Castro’s army." The bartender says okay, and lets him go.

Another Cuban with a large black beard walks in and asks for a shot of tequila. He drinks it then starts to walk out. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The Cuban says, "Castro’s army," and the bartender lets him go. The Scotsman catches on and goes to the bar and asks for a shot. He proceeds to drink it and then walk away. The bartender says, "Aren’t you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Castro’s army." The bartender says, "Oh yeah? Where’s your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quick, lifts up his kilt, and says, "Secret service".

LOL

Answer 10

George W. Bush.

Answer 11

What does Michael Jackson call a "Tickle Me Elmo" doll?


Bait