i turned my wife down....?

Question

last night, i turned my wife down for some 2 am fun. i had been sleeping and she had been awake. i slept for about 3 hours. i was just tired and not in the mood. we just had a baby and she feels inadequate. I feel bad now, and i want her to feel as secure about herself as possible. I feel horrible about it, but should i feel this way every time im not in the mood, i mean its not that often that i turn her down, i try to have fun just about every night that we are together alone without kids running around and she is home from work (she works 7-7 fri sat and sun)? I understand her feeling rejected now that she brought it to my attention, and i know that 20-30 minutes of my time could have solved this problem. I feel bad, and all and i want to be the same person i was when we were dating a few years ago. when we were dating we would have sex 1-3 times a day. I want to please all of her sexual needs, but times have changed what should i do?

Answer 1

I think you need to talk to her. I'm sure she's rejected you before, right? You guys need to have reasonable expectations. Now that you have kids, it's almost impossible to have sex 1-3 times a day. Hubby and I only do that when the kids sleep over at their nanny's home, and that's not often! Even then, we use that time to REST, which is what we don't get to do that much when kids are around.

If she's feeling rejected, or sad, or just unattended. Maybe what you can try to do is set a date time. Once a week, just leave baby with someone...maybe let the baby sleep over, and concentrate on each other. Relationships do suffer so much once babies enter the picture. They do so mostly because the parents are entirely focused on the children. That's okay, but not really good for your relationship. Make time for each other, to reconnect.

You can't be the same man from where you were dating. She's not the same woman either. You have to communicate with her, tell her you feel inadequate at times too...that's how you're feeling right now. It's impossible to turn back time. You both have to get used to the "new" you(s). You need to learn to love and accept the way both of you have changed.

Mainly though, try to find that time to reconnect with each other and freshen up your relationship. You'll find that a little "date night" or "date day" will really make you both feel so much better about your relationship and each other.

Answer 2

Most parents go through this with a new baby. You're BOTH tired. You will BOTH have times when you're not in the mood. Neither one of you should feel bad about that, as long as you're communicating that you love each other in all the other ways that you can. It'll get better over time. Just reassure her how much you care for her, and next time YOU initiate a little 2am fun. Good luck and congratulations on the new baby.

Answer 3

My husband turned me down one night, and honestly, it really freaked me out. I felt hurt and unwanted, and was really worried that there was something seriously wrong with our relationship. I guess it was because he had never done this, and was always up for some bedroom fun when I was.

Give her a few days, and then explain that you were just tired. Remind her, gently, that you don't have the same amount of free time and energy you had when you were dating and had no kids. Then let her know that you truly think she is more beautiful and sexier than she has ever been. Maybe let her take a long, hot bath and follow up with a nice back rub. Show her that you do still love and want her, and have a night that both of you will remember for a long time!

Answer 4

Well, not to insult you with the obvious, but do make sure you say those things to her; it sounds like you have already. I would suggest that you try initiating it when she doesn't necessarily expect it when possible. It'll sweep her off her feet knowing that you wanted it, and not just to concede to her desires. On the other hand, if you try at a time when she hasn't destressed from work or she is tired, it may make the point that sometimes being too tired or not in the mood is nothing against the other person; it just happens. Don't fret that times have changed--they're supposed to! Just make sure that as you grow and change you do it together rather than in opposite directions.

Answer 5

Well, just show her what you just wrote. Say that you love her a lot (which you probably do), but sometimes you just aren't in the mood. Probably tell her you're pretty. When you're both relaxed and comfortable with each other after these constant revelations of your feelings and explanations for your actions, maybe you'll be in the mood more often. Even if you aren't, take comfort in the fact that open marriages are better, longer-lasting, and have ultimately better payoffs for the couple.

Answer 6

Take her out on a date ... do the whole thing, babysitter, romantic dinner for two, maybe a movie... at least once a month. It will be time you spend well spent. A time for you both to reconnect. There should be no sexual pressure, but truth is, that usually follows naturally.

Do it for the rest of your married lives. It's well worth it, and you'll be glad you did.

(mind you, the dates don't have to be the same every month... you could always go roller skating, bowling, to the zoo... whatever you feel like doing...variety is the spice of life!_

Answer 7

It can be very hard to be turned down. But, women can feel validated in a number of ways. It's so hard for awhile after a baby comes to get back on the sex train, so to speak. But, leaving her romantic little notes, bringing home chocolates or flowers, just helping her out in any little way, these things can help make sure that you keep a connection. That way, when that little one gets bigger, you can pick up right where you left off.

Answer 8

Well...if you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. I would make it up to her by taking her out for/cooking a romantic dinner for just the two of you. Apologize for turning her down. And write her a note telling her how you truly feel. Hopefully she is very understanding and will know how badly you feel about what you did (or didn't do). Hang in there, man!

Answer 9

I can sympathize with your situation but I really think that your sex life will improve if you guys talk about it. Nothing creates physical intimacy faster than feeling understood. Tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. BTW, with a new baby I suspect the 1-3 times a day times are o-v-e-r, but that doesn't mean you can't have fun and interesting times with the person you love. Good Luck.

Answer 10

You both need to sit down and talk. These are things you should be talking to your wife about, not us. Congrats on the new baby. It's awesome that you are a thoughtful and considerate husband and you shouldn't always give in to her wants, but it's always nice to compromise in the name of love. Good luck! Communicate with her. You will both have a wonderful life together.