My dad and I don't have a relationship and I cut off his whole family? Help?

Question

Well to start off I never really had a good childhood my dad was an alcoholic growing up and I seen alot of things i shouldn't have but heres the story my dad was always a part time dad after he left I was 12 when he left me and my 2 sisters he would call once in awhile to make promises that he didn't keep and also to let us know he was alive well he has been in jail for the last couple months he just got out a few weeks ago and I don't want a relationship with him im now 21 and i feel like im just too old to get back my younger years but i do love him hes my dad I feel like if I lose contact with anyone in his family I will forget about him my aunt who is his sister always calls my mother and asks about us I don't visit her or call I'm tryin to shut that part of my life out she wants me and my sister to go down south for thier home coming should I go my dad with probably be there I just feel it will be too painful and I've been fine so I think please help me....

Answer 1

wow, let me start off by saying that I feel bad for you and this situation is a very hard one to deal with. I think that if you feel strong enough and feel a connection to your father you should go, and make sure your sisters are there for support. Maybe your dad leaving you guys was not fair and it made life hard for you guys but in a way it was a blessing in disguise because if he had stayed and he was an alcoholic his influence wouldn't have been a good one on you guys. I think that you will regret it if you don't go now, try to settle some differences but even if you're not up to that you should just make an appearance and see how things go and if it's too hard you can always leave or lean on your sisters.
Well I hope I was some help to you and if you have any other questions or wanna talk about this you can email me or something! Good luck!

Answer 2

Living with an alcholic is a awful thing. It is not just the person who drinks that goes through this stuff, but the family too. Everyone suffers. My advice is to sit down and REALLY think things out, See what your options are. Maybe try AA, they have a program for the family of an alcoholic. I have never been to one yet, but plan on going soon. They also follow the 12" steps. Then maybe you will be able to decide if you want to continue the relationship with your dad or not. You will gain a lot of support there too. From what I understand they have a Newcomers group so you are starting out with people all in the same position. It is a big step to cut ties from family, but sometimes for your own sake you have to. I want you to know that I understand what you are going through. I am dealing with an alcholic too. Good luck to you in what ever your decision is!

Answer 3

I guess you have to figure out a couple of things. What's important to you right now? Is it just for yourself to stay in a healty emotional place? If you feel you're not ready just yet to deal w/ what could possibly be an upsetting trip, maybe you can explain that to your aunt and tell her you would be more than happy to visit in the future when you are feeling up to it. If you don't want to call just sending a simple letter would be fine
Another question is do you feel you father has really changed or is he still involved in the same destructive behavior. If he hasn't changed maybe it is better that you keep some distance, both geographically and emotionally, until he shows that he's turned over a new leaf.
I would just suggest thinking over shutting out his side of the family. If they are involved in similar destructive behavior maybe it's wise to do so. But if they are healthy mature adults and want to have a relationship with you because they genuinely care for you, you could be missing out.
I guess it's up to you doing some serious soul searching and figuring out what's most important and what you really need.

Answer 4

Hi,
You know, I am in an engaged couples class at my church and they were talking about how your past affects your future. My teacher told us a story about his mom who hated her dad because he was abusive and was a terrible dad a lot of the times. He told her she would never get married because she wasn'tpretty enough and no one would ever want her. She grew up and did get married but she never forgave her dad and so he died and she still felt this bitterness, this resentfulness, towards her dad that spilled over into her marriage and caused some problems because her attitude reflected on her husband. After she became a Christian, she forgave her dad and even had to go to his grave to forgive him, but she realized later that what the devil had intended for evil, God had made good. She was loved not only by one man, but by 10 men; 1 husband, 3 sons, 5 grandsons and Jesus. When God blesses, he pours out blessings ;) The point is, it's hard to forgive someone who treated you so badly, but ask God to help you and mend the relationship. Your dad sounds lost. Even if you aren't a Christian, ask God to help you forgive him so that you won't have this burden on you all your life. If you can, be honest with your dad and tell him how badly he hurt you and tell him that you forgive him but you want him to get help. Don't shut out your aunt but let her know that you are still trying to heal. Hope this helps!

Answer 5

I've been in the exact same position and I know it's not easy. I am 31 now, and I just started having a good relationship with my dad in March of this year. I had to accept that he is the way he is and I can't change that, but I do love him, and now I feel much better. Contact your aunt, have a relationship with her, it's not the rest of the family's fault. Good luck.

Answer 6

You have to understand that his family did absolutely nothing to you so you would be punishing them. On the other hand you are hurt by your father. The past can be very hurtful but it only is when we rewind that tape in our heads and recall all the calamities. You might feel best if you go and confront the situation. You never know. You can chose to have a relationship with your dad or maybe not. Either way, in order to guard your feelings just be cautious.

Answer 7

You have to forgive and allow yourself to move on. No you can never get what you lost but you will not be able to get back what you are now trying to throw away. And if you don't you will beat yourself up on the inside for many years and have relationship troubles till you get to that point to actually understand what I just said. Move on you can't forget but you can forgive and it time the good times will outweigh the hurt trust me I do know. Have a good one:-) <3

Answer 8

my dad was an alcoholic. he died a few years ago. he had his chance to change but he choose not to. i talked to him on the phone but that was it. there was a time i didn't hear from him in years and he just showed up. that i was mean for heading out the door after not seeing him so long. i told him i had him written off as dead. that i was busy and when i had time i would stop and visit. it was mean but he was nicer to me after that. he left me i didn't leave him. hopefully your dad will come around and quit drinking. my dad kept all his problems inside of him. you can be nice to him but set your boundaries. it is very painful and can confuse you in the head. but it gets better.

Answer 9

My father is alcoholic as well I went 15 yrs. with out seeing him. Now I live with him and take care of him. I do not socialize with his family they drink as well I love my Dad but taking care of him is hard I do not drink. I had no problem not seeing him those years. What you need to ask your self if he died tomorrow would you be OK or would you say "If only I could of told him?"

Answer 10

If you dont feel right going down there then dont do it. But try to reach your dad and see how he's doing. And if you want a relationship with him let him know but on your terms and if he cant agree then move on at least you tried.