What do I do about his mother?

Question

I’m 19, 20 in Dec and I’ve been with my fiancé now for about 4 years. We lived with his mom briefly to save money for our place. Unfortunately- we needed some space to see where our lives were going and if it was what we really wanted or not. It was. So I moved out of that house. Now I live with my mother in a 1 bdr apartment- not by choice- she can’t afford anything more. She’s a single mom that does the best she can. I’m supposed to be getting my own apartment soon- however my credit score isn’t high enough because I’m so young. So in the meantime- my fiancé and I spend time at his place. Away from my mom- we don’t get along. Anywho- I get a phone call from his mother today who’s known me since I was 14 years old. She says: I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but things have been better since you left. There’s not as much “friction” in the house, and Mike spends more time with his brother now. Ugh. Ok? So what does that have to do with me? I always helped out, paid her rent, and watched her kid. She doesn’t want to wake up and see my car in the drive way anymore- and if he and I don’t “follow” the rules, I’m not allowed over period? Huh? Did she just automatically get controlling or what? She basically said she doesn’t want me to move in like before- I have way to much pride to do that. It hurts that the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, his mother, dislikes me for some reason out of the blue. She says everyone’s made comments about how “calm” the house has been. She keeps saying that there was tension when I was around we argued and what not. Ugh. I always felt like it was competition between me and her with her son/my fiancé. I just want things to go back to the way they were- it’s like she doesn’t want us to be together and I’m getting frustrated. What do I do?

Answer 1

Ok, this is coming from someone who did pretty much the same thing. I met my now husband and we lived with his parents for quite some time. I can honestly say that she was never that blunt or mean to me but it wasn't really the things she said to me, more the things she did. Unfortunately there isn't too much you can do. Your man is always going to love his mom and it makes it worse if you complain about her to him (not saying that you do but trust me it's not good). We had SO many fights while living with his parents and I'm sure I was causing "tension". The only thing that you can really do is do your very best to respect his mother's "rules" and if you feel that you and your man are going to have a fight then suggest going for a ride together to talk about it or just leave yourself to cool off before you cause the so said "tension". I know how frustrating it is to sit back and take it but it is more healthy for your relationship to respect that she is his mother and is always going to do what SHE THINKS is best for her son, whether you agree with it or not. I have learned from experience that it's not ME that my husband's mother doesn't like, it's the IDEA of ME taking her son away from her and from the sounds of it you're in the same boat. When you left she thought that she had him back for awhile and now that you're back in the picture she feels almost threatened.

Best advice is to just grin and bear it as much as you can and when you feel that frustration just think that sometime soon you and your man will be on your own and you will see that once you are out on your own his mother should be a bit nicer towards you because she will realize that you don't plan on going anywhere for awhile and that your son sees you not going anywhere either.

GOOD LUCK and stay strong, I know it's tough but seriously just think of how great it will be when it's over!

Answer 2

This sounds like proof of an old adage that says that no house is big enough for two women.

You can't seem to live either with your mother or your mother-in-law, and she says the house is "calmer" without you. I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing. You are getting "too big for your britches", which is the normal thing in an adolescent woman.

I recommend, if you can't afford to live on your own, to find a roommate to live with, or another relative, or rent a room somewhere. I think experiencing singlehood, without a parent around, would be a positive step in preparing for marriage.

Also, I believe in premarital counseling. Find a clergyperson or other premarital therapist where you and your fiance can hash out all these issues. I would recommend this for any couple, to see how they will work out finances, raising children, and other marital issues.

You are becoming your own woman. Although your mom-in-law has no right to boss you or her adult son per se, she does have the right to set the rules in her own house, and it's your and your fiance's responsibility to respect those rules. I think if you all learn to respect each other as adults, you can find good, maybe even great, ways to get along.

Answer 3

hi there, I've also been in a somewhat simillar situation, but I'd first like to say that "jessicamarie0572" suggested some great insights and I completely agree.

My boyfriend and I have talked seriously about marriage - and we're quite a bit older. I figured once you're in your 30s his mother would be ready to let go.

But she's not. Luckily for me, she realizes this is unreasonable, but that doesn't stop her from picking at me about how I don't take proper care of her son. She never says it explicitly, but it's there.

So, to my advice,
1. hang in there
2. as long as he's living in her house - her rules are the rules in that house = > objective, save every last penny and both of you get out the first moment possible
3. you're his partner. his mother isn't. don't put him in a position where he has to choose, it will backfire. but, there will be a point that he will understand your difficult position, and stand up for you and your relationship when it's important. If he doesn't, he wasn't the right one anyway.

My boyfriend clearly explained to me the role his family plays in his life and when it came to a point that I was very uncomfortable, he took my side. He said that our relationship was the most important. That did it for me. He's been dropping lots of hints that he'll be asking me "the question" very soon. After that I confirmed to myself that I'll say yes.

You'll make it through. Find a way to move onto the "life together" as soon as possible. Best of luck!

Answer 4

Okay, I have good news and bad news...
The good news is that some places will rent to you even if your credit is not that great. You simply have to put down a higher deposit. Be prepared for that and you should be able to find a place.
The bad news is that his mother is flawless and always will be...in your fiance's eyes. Do NOT try to go up against his mother. You WILL lose. Instead simply be curtious and calm when dealing with her. She may or may not want you to be together, but the decision is not up to her. Right now what she is trying to do is establish who is in charge, and she thinks it is her. All you can do is quietly prove her wrong. Eventually she will feel like an evil pain in the A$$ for doing this to you. Good luck

Answer 5

Her house her rules. Its as simple as that. I don't think what she is saying is that she doesn't like you she just doesn't want to live with you. To call her "controlling" for dictating who can and can't live in her home is a bit much. Whether or not you saw it that way or not she apparently feels that her home is more peacefull without you in it and you need to respect that. When you do get your own home one day you will understand. Try not to take it so personally. There are many ways to build your credit these days and I would suggest looking in to them.

The only person who can fix the "competition" between you two is your fiance. If he allows it to continue then you might need to take a step back and look at who you are marrying because men who can't stand up to their mothers rarely make good husbands and I can assure you if you think she is controlling now just wait till you get married and have kids. If in fact she is trying to keep you away from each other only he can fix it by standing up to her and informing her that he intends to marry you, her behavior is unacceptable, and that she will treat you with respect. Trust me. Find out how he will handle her before you make any lifelong commitments.

Answer 6

organic mom - i needed to make certain my son, there became no choose for him to be followed as i became in a difficulty the position i might want to have sufficient money to toughen him (operating) yet in spite of if I hadn't i'd were eligible for reward and as we've the NHS i don't have had to rigidity about medical or dental remedy as both are loose. discover out the thanks to describe it is an invisible amputation and it is gut wrenching. I have suffered with melancholy, been suicidal, self harmed, been indignant, hated myself, blamed myself felt ashamed. It took reunion to artwork by each and each of the sentiments yet I nevertheless have my undesirable days and it is going to continuously be a existence sentence.

Answer 7

First, if you have a job, and the money for a security deposit, you should have no problem finding an apartment. They need to ascertain that you have the ability to pay for it, though.

Next, with the future MIL, you really kind of just have to grin and bear it. Going back at her will cause problems between her & her son, and you and her son. My MIL was very similiar to the one you describe, to the point of her deciding on the day OF our wedding that she wasn't going to attend. Neither her or any of her family showed up to our wedding. The only 4 family members that did show up on my husbands side of the family were his father (who drove from NC to MI to be there), his godfather (not a blood relative), and his ex-grandparents (his grandmother's 3rd husband, and his current wife, also not a blood relative).

It was her choice to not show up, as it was for the rest of his family. We are cival to them, as they are to us, but they lost our respect with that.

Answer 8

Just keep searching for apartment that you don't do credit check. You know that have hotels that you pay weekly rates, most of the time they don't check credit. Don't give up.

Answer 9

Find your own place ASAP, then you can make your own rules about her visiting your house.