How do you be a good step-parent/adult/carer to two boys as they're going through their teens?

Question

I came into the family when they were 7 and 9 yrs old (now 12 and 14) We all get on really well, inculding the ex and other partner. It's all very adult and cool, but as the boys hit teenager-dom, their boundaries, in the small day-to-day space that is just normal life are getting larger and spikier and I'm finding it unexpectedly difficult! Help!

Their mother is around, we got married last year and she (and they) are fantastic! And the jump from being a new-partner and a new-adult/carer was fine too, but now suddenly I'm finding all my male-buttons pressed by growing boys/men and I wasn't ready for it. I think I might have got a bit self-satisfied and over-confident. D'oh.

Answer 1

You just continue in the role that you have been for the last five years. If it worked so far, chances are you are doing a great job. The thing is that dealing with teenagers in any family situation has its ups and downs.

They may suddenly seem to be against you, etc. Just give them time and space to adjust to becoming young adults. This does not mean tolerate rudeness or disrespect but just be understanding.

Obviously you are not replacing their mom, you are simply a role model or mother-figure in their lives, so you can also under the right circumstances expand to include being friend and confidant.

Good luck!!

Answer 2

Although you are not the parent, your day to day interaction with them can have a great effect. Don't try to be the parent but I have found that it helps to look at each encounter/conflict with this perspective: What tool could this child/young adult learn in this situation that will help him become more independent and be able to successfully live independent of us in the near future? Instead of looking at it like a battle of wills and emotional or personal snubs look toward the future. Support the mother/father. Both of you can try to see what is the principle you are trying to teach them (i.e. respect for others, being flexible in order to get the most out of trying situations, problem solving, communication skills, etc.) instead of just the details of the conflict.

This will be a group effort by all the adults in these kids life. You can't take a leading role but you can be a great support.

You and the parents together may find that there are ways to compromise so that increased responsibility by the child can result in increased privileges in a clear way that a 12 or 14 year old can easily appreciate. This age is difficult in the best of circumstances, but it is also a crucial time for these kids to find a life separate from their family.

Do some reading and research on the developmental goals of that age. Read up on successful Step-parenting. There are a lot of resources out there.

Answer 3

I think you are looking at this the wrong way.
You ask how can you be a good step-parent, why not just a good Dad? If you have been the male influence in their home for the past 5 years you are a Dad not a step-anything except on paper.
I think if you relax a little & let things happen naturally you will surprise yourself. You are lucky in that you get along well with the other parents so if things get a little scary there is always someone to bounce ideas off.
Try to remember what you were like at their ages & play it by ear.
No-one knows how to cope with this until they have kids. The only difference here is you got them school age & not as babies.
You will be great. If you care enough to ask the question then it will all work out fine.Good Luck.

Answer 4

I was in the same situation as you.(My stepsons have grown up now and I love them to bits). I think you need to remember that teenage problems would be the same in a conventional family, as they would in a step family. I did have some tough times while the boys were growing up, because I felt more sensitive to their moods, and as a stepmother, I didn't feel as though I could as firm with them about their boundaries and changing moods as I would have done if I was their mother. I usually found that they took more notice rules etc, if they knew that all four 'parents' were in agreement about these things. Although they would try it on sometimes, and say that mum had said they could do certain things or dad said we could go there. It wasn't until my own son reached sixteen that I realised, he behaved exactly the same., and it was nothing to do with being in a step family. I found it easier with my step-sons to just back their father when he disciplined them,and for him to back me up, when I found them difficult. Most teenagers will try to push and push the boundaries all the time and rebel against being told what to do. I found ours had more respect us for being disciplined, and actually don't feel that happy about being allowed to do as they please. I actually don't feel I've been that helpful, but your teens will soon grow up and by the sound of it, you will all come out the other side just fine. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Theyre growing up, sweetie. Its hard, but just ask and expect only these questions answered:

WHERE are you going?

WHO will you be with?

WHAT TIME are you coming home?

WHAT will you be doing?

And remember, just because they dont act like they listen, they still respect your opinions and advice, so continue to give them sound guidance, e.g.

Dont do drugs
Dont smoke
Dont use alcohol
If youre going to have sex, please wait til youre married, or at least use a condom.

Maybe if you talk to them and tell them you realise they are growing up and need more independance, they will open up to you about some of the more secretive things going on with them.
Also, if you offer a give and take thing, like letting them take the bus somewhere on the weekend, together but without your presence, in exchange for a family fun night furing the week (when they wont be allowed out late anyways) then maybe they will embrace their newfound freedom, and you as well.
Good luck with your family!

Answer 6

indexed right here are some books i've got study that i think of ought to furnish help to :) The Morganville Vampire sequence - via Rachel Caine The Drake Chronicles - Alyxandra Harvey Wolves of Mercy Falls sequence - Maggie Stiefvater Books of Faerie sequence - Maggie Stiefvater unusual Angels sequence - Lili St. Crow The Nightworld sequence - L.J Smith not at all chunk A Boy On a known Date - Tamara Summers The Demon's Lexicon - Sarah Rees Brennan The Demon’s Covenant - Sarah Rees Brennan The Blue Blood sequence - Melissa de Cruz The Mortal gadgets sequence - Clarissa Clare Parasite beneficial - Scott Westerfeld The final Days - Scott Westerfeld The dark Divine sequence - Bree Despain Immortal liked - Cate Tiernan Abandon - Meg Cabot The Vampire Stalker - Allison van Diepen

Answer 7

first, make sure they know the boudaries & your spouce is on the same page with you. the step parent should'nt be the primary discipline, so discuss problems in private, so the kids don't test you 2's unity. Do not change the rules according to your mood, if you give in once, they will expect you to again. do not allow them to badger you, no means no, so have consequences if they ask you again, cause they will wear you down until you give in. also, don't underestimate what they will do, keep your car keys under your pillow, check amounts of alcohol, don't fall for the "I'm spending the night somewhere, if they are it's probally because they can sneak out or get away with something at that ones house.check school attendence daily, our school has a parents web page that you can check by the minute if they're late for class, skiped, homework assignments, everything! if your school doesn't have it, tell them to get it, we know before they get home what they did or didn't do. keep your eyes & ears open, you'll be amazed what they can do right under your nose, once my husband said how nice they were getting along making paper mache', I took one look & saw they were making bongs!they took all my sink screens out of the faucet for their bong/"army men"

Answer 8

My partner was in your shoes when my son hit teenage years. He found it difficult to cope with but then i was having the same problems with his own children, especially his daughter!

They're your step children but wouldn't act any differently if they were your own children! In fact you've been with them long enough for them to know you well enough to provoke you! Just as teenagers do.

If it helps ... My parent s divorced and i gave my step mum a lot of aggro when in my teens! But we went through it OK. As an adult i Love and respect her so much for putting up with me at the time! And as we both went partner and i through it ... She was a tower of strength! Inspired me to keep my peace and accept that it was just a phase, wouldn't last. I get on great with my step children now (They're in their late 20s just as my partner gets on great with my son (25 now). There have been some hairy moments but we rode the storm of teenage years together and it's brought us closer!

Best wishes

Answer 9

wel...im not sure as a teen myself i would say give thm space...but not so much....my mom did and well i just found out my brother wuz doing some bad things......try to listen to thm whn thy talk to u.....put yourself in thr shoes.....i hope this gives u some help...

Answer 10

be urself & friend. if the mom is still n their lives don't try 2 be her.