Are you really you if you have depression or are you different because of the depression?

Question

I have just been diagnosed with depression,according to the doctor I have been depressed for over two and a half years.My partner and I have just split up(I asked him to move out as we had problems that needed to be solved and we needed some distance to be able to look at them properly) and he has said he doesn't want us to get back as he can't "cope" with me.If I've been depressed for the majority of our realationship is it really me he's been supposedly coping with or is it me with depression which is a totally different kettle of fish?Also why did it take me to ask him to leave for him to go if I'm so difficult to cope with.

We have a son that will be 2 soon,my ex is coming over tonight to sort out financial and access arrangements.I'm prepared to be flexible but I do feel really let down by him at the moment as he says he loves me but now when I really need his support he isn't able to give me it.

Answer 1

OK, if you had broken your leg, things would be very visible! But, depression needs, and quite rightly so, someone who is not emotionally attached to you to diagnose it. I hope you have been offered the opportunity of appropriate ways forward. You, although you have been depressed have been functioning well with daily life, thats good, and sometimes, depression is a journey that leads you to question lots of things. It might be that your partner's intolerance has been highlighted by the way you feel. It took you to ask him to leave because it was you that recognised there were serious difficulties, and you are brave, you must be if you have been all alone with depression for two and a half years, so no need to think that people who become depressed are weak! They are not, and you are not, sometimes it is the time that people find out what they really want. If, and when, you are ready, and, when you are well - and you will be - you can decide how things will be. Your partner may not have known you have been depressed, or realised just how painful an illness it can be, now, he can, if he is able, and you want him to, give you the support you need, and you do not have to live together to do that. I so wish you well, and do you know something, I think that this could be just the turning point you need. Always listen to medical advice, and do try counselling. Good luck.

Answer 2

Please know that if you try and make him stay you wont be helping yourself; if he was able to help you he would have done by now.
I really feel for you and have suffered depressive phases before and all I can say is you CAN get through it if you really want to, with the right changes made to your life and most importantly, your ways of seeing the world (go to a therapist PLEASE!) then there is no reason why you need to be shackled with depression forever. However you probably DO need professional help if you have been depressed for as long as you have been.
It can be so hard when you can find nothing good in the world to believe in and trust as being good, that is why I really ask that you don't deal with this on your own an I am glad you aren't, be aware that there are may different therapists out there and if you want something more helpful, you can change therapist.
Maybe your BF really hasn't seen the real you for a very long time and I would say that the "you" you are with depression is definitely different from the "you" without depression. The problem is he might not be willing to invest faith in waiting for things to change and maybe can't believe that they will. If he has seen you for the last 2 yrs like this then I guess he dosent know the real you. But just promising the "real you" will emerge may not make him want to wait, as he might have decided that even if the "real you" does emerge he can't take the waiting and the uncertainty. I understand your anger towards him, and can see that maybe he wasnt as honest with you as he could be about his feelings, otherwise why wait til now to reveal how he felt?
Either way, you will be able to have a truly healthy relationship once you are healed from your depression, maybe with another person entirely. That has to be the main priority for now and then eveything else that you want, like a relationship, will follow.

Best of luck!!

Answer 3

Depression is just an illness. you remain you the person you always were if affected by depression. For you to have lasted for 2 and a half years with depression and not got diagnosed sooner ... Can only mean that your ex partner didn't do too much for you! And as for saying he's had to cope with your depression as well ... I wouldn't be surprised if his attitude had contributed to your depression!

Maybe he needed a push to realise that you two weren't working out! As for why wait for you to ask him to go ... probably because he's a coward! Had he had any real feelings for you, he would have done something about it before, help you accept that something was wrong, stand by you while you got better etc. He didn't so this should tell you that you took the right decision (Asking him to leave).

It is tough for you because you're having to cope with low moods and a separation doesn't help, even though deep down, you know it was for the best.

Right now is your time to take your medications, do what you have to do to help yourself get over the depression. Time to transform yourself, make plans, from short-terms such as "I'll get my hair done next week! Hairdresser for me i need to be pampered" to long-term "Once i'm over this depression i'm going to do all the things i wanted to do always and this time! I'm doing them". OK It's very hard to plan ahead with depression but it is a good exercise. Give your tablets 2 to 3 weeks to kick in and try to join a self-help group as well. You'll meet people who can share their experience of depression, causal factors with you. i wouldn't be too surprised if you found others were in th3 same situation as yourself (Partners left) and it will make you feel better because you'll be able to talk to people who can relate to you better because they've been there!

And just think ... When you get better ... There'll be no stopping you and who'll be sorry he let you go as he did? then? Him!

Take care!

Answer 4

Depression is not just a state of feeling unhappy, depression is also a state in which you have a chemical or hormonal imbalance.

Are you a woman? Do you have, before or during your menstruation, mood swings? It is a good example to see how your hormones influence your feelings.

If you suffer from depression, you have for instance a lack of happy hormones. Everything can feel really black, depressed and dark, but if you would have the right hormones you would feel a lot better. So yes, in a way if you are depressed, you are partly controlled by this depression, and not how you would be if everything was in balance.
People can commit suicide in a state like that, and maybe they would never even consider doing it if they didn't suffer this lack of happy hormones.

This chemical unbalance can be a physical thing, that you have from nature.
But it can also be coursed by traumatic things, or a longtime period of stress. That effects your body and this way you can get the imbalance.

Check out this sites:
http://www.depression.com/
http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/description.html
http://www.ifred.org/

Answer 5

We all have different personalities to some extent. I behave differently depending wether I am among colleagues, family, strangers or some combination. Your depression has uncovered another personality which is as much a part of you as any other, albeit not one you are comfortable with.

If your ex-boyfriend is anything like me, he prefers to be dumped than to dump, although I've been in another situation where I was dumped by a girl suffering depression, and I honestly wanted to make it a permanent relationship. In retrospect I'm not sure I would have had the strength to deal with her situation.

Don't let this get you down though, there are all different kinds of people out there. You will certainly find someone ideally suited to you, sooner or later, provided you keep looking. Be careful also not to build up barriers to new people, this can happen without you realising. I think it happened to me, but now I know the barriers are there, I can counteract them. They are my barriers, and mine to control.

Answer 6

I might not be any help to you, but i myself, know i get depressed some months, I have recently had to deal with a death and everytime it comes round to birthdays and such, i change . Everyone notices it, they say i get moodier ,and i do... I always am having rows with people for no reason, so i would say people do change sometimes, but i think it all depends on the situation, and it will also affect people differently.

Anyway, with your situation, i think your partner really does till love you, which is why he wouldnt leave you first, then when you said you wanted it to end, he was telling you then that he couldnt cope with you. Maybe he is making this up, just because you have ended it with him, or maybe he is telling you the truth, but i still am sure he loves you alot.

Answer 7

To answer your first question, I would have to argue that there isn't a "real you"; just whatever you are at the time. We all have changes that go on every day, most of the time subtlely, but every bit of information that we gather, every experience that we have, all go to re-shape the person that you are.

However, I will then reply that depression is not you. Depression is a disorder, a disease. The disorder does not define who you are, but it can mask what you are without it, or at least with it under control.

One of the best therapies for depression is to remember that you are not your disorder. When you are going through a state where the disorder shows itself, one of the best ways to combat that is to tell yourself that simple truth. The disorder will fight it, as that is its nature, but ultimately it is something that can be overcome.

Concerning your partner, that one is a bit hard to analyse without possibly causing harm. The only thing that I can tell from first-hand knowledge is that dealing with someone with whom you know has depression is quite different than when it is a mystery. Some people simply have difficulty rectifying their prejudices against their own experiences, and in the case of depression, because it is still quite a mystery, those prejudices are not easily overcome. I suspect that his inability to "cope" with your diagnosis and unfortunate break-up is actually a defence mechanism that allows him to lend credibility to what feelings that he has acquired from knowledge of your disorder, but that's merely a lay opinion from afar.

In any case, I wish you luck in terms of dealing with your disorder. Diagnosis is the first step in the right direction, and thus you can name the monster that lies within.

Answer 8

Its very difficult to determine-- I have had depression for a while now-- ive had a lot of problems with things at home and myhusband has been through the mill-- although i was never depressed before== i think its stress and he is not helping- he is very selfish for not wanting to support u at your time of need.

You were right to take yourself out of the way and get the help u needed. I think that maybe he is the reason that you are depressed.....

It's worth a thought

Answer 9

i ask your self how lots of the individuals who've responded this question surely ARE bipolar. lots of them look to imagine that without medicine that is a curler coaster journey with mood swings each of the time. no longer genuine! i'm bipolar and that i have extra "lows" than "highs". even as i'm manic, that is god-undesirable and it lasts for weeks. i'm getting very fixated on one or 2 issues and under no circumstances some thing else. for the time of those situations i bypass with little or no sleep and force my kinfolk loopy interior the period in-between. the component is, those episodes are few and far between. The melancholy section, on the different hand, is extra uncomplicated for me. My medical professional says this can be a customary component. some people have extra manic episodes than others. some are like me and function extra melancholy. I live on a good keel when I live on my meds. regrettably, i'm like maximum bipolar people and picture that i'm "cured" even as the meds kick in and that i'm feeling extra proper. I surely were off my meds for some months and the melancholy is coming again. I surely have had no manic episodes this time round. All i'm attempting to say, individuals, is that except you're bipolar, do not act like you comprehend what residing with that is like.

Answer 10

oh honey...you guys should talk, one on one and be really open. If he is still not open to the idea of getting back together, then don't force him...it wasn't the plan god chose for you so follow a different road. My mom and step dad didn't get married until i was seven and that was waaaay after she divorced my real father. But remember to always take your medicine to keep you happy and try eating chocolate, bananas, and avocados. They are natural aphrodisiacs. And try to hit the gym too, to release your feelings in a positive matter. Working out gives you endorphins...sorry i can't spell...