Jokes and riddles anyone?

Question

I'm feeling really unhappy and I don't know why. Anyone have any jokes? I don't get offended by jokes do fire away! I like riddles too.

I meant "so fire away" not "do fire away"

Answer 1

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

====================================================

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've reached

Date: 12 July 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as cool as mine was.

:))

Answer 2

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer & food

Answer 3

A CONVERSATION IN THE TOILET



I was barely sitting down when i heard a vioce from the other stall saying :
"Hi, how are you?"



I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
But i don't know what got into me, so i answered, somewhat
embarrassed, "Doin just fine!"



And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"



What kind of quesion is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so i say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"



At this point im just trying to get out as fast as i can when i hear i
hear another question. "Can I come over?"



Ok, this question is just too weird for me but i figured i could
just be polite and end the conversation. i tell him, "No.......
I'm a little busy right now!!!"



Then i hear guy say nervously....



Listen. i'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the
other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Answer 4

here's a riddle :

Bubba invited Beavis and Butthead to his house for a barbeque. Since Bubba's barbeque is only capable of handling two hamburgers at once, he wonders how he can cook three hamburgers at once, he wonders how he can cook three hamburgers in the shortest amount of time. It takes five minutes fro each side of a burger to cook. Therefore, in ten minutes two will be cooked, and another ten minutes will be needed to cook the third burger. Butthead says all three can be cooked i just 15 minutes. How?





answer: Butthead's solution is to rotate the three burgers. If the three burgers are 1,2 and 3 with sides A and B for each, the first five minutes sides 1A and 2A are cooked. The second burger is put aside and for the next five minutes, 1B and 3A are cooked. The first burger
is now done and in the final five minutes, 2B and 3B are cooked.

Answer 5

There is this 50,000 lbs tanker truck that comes up to a five mile long bridge. The bridge has a wight limit of 50,000 lbs. The truck proceeds across the bridge, and when he is halfway across a 1oz bird lands on the rail of the bridge. Does the bridge collapse?? Why or why not??

Answer 6

Here's some 4 ya,

- What kind of cheese isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
------------------------------...
- What do you call a smelly teletubby?
Stinky Winky!
------------------------------...
- Why did the witch put a watch at the end of her broom stick?
Cuz she wanted time to fly.
------------------------------...
- Doctor, Doctor !! My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.
Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!
------------------------------...
- Why did the duck try to cross the road?

to show his girlfriend he had guts
------------------------------...
- the 7 dwarfs were in the tub feeling happy so happy got up and left!
------------------------------...
- Man comes into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is in bed with cold cream on and wearing curlers. "Honey," the man announces, "this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache."

The wife looks annoyed and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."

The man replies, "You old fool! I wasn't talking to you!"
------------------------------...
- A marine and a soldier were driving down the same road, both talking on a phone. They got into a terrible crash, and there cars were totaled, but none of them got hurt. The marine produced a bottle of alcohol and said:"Well, we're both to blame and we're okay, so why don't we drink this bottle of wine and bury the hatchet?" The soldier said okay, so the marine gave him the bottle and he drank half of it and offered it to the marine. The marine said:" I'll wait for the cops to show up first."

Answer 7

Here are a bunch of BLONDE JOKES with due apologies to all Blondes legal or Illegal ;-)
Its just for fun no offence meant !

There was a blonde so dumb that she.......
- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- she got stabbed in a shootout.
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put VIRGO."
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
- she sold the car for gas money.
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Answer 8

Sure, Check this one:


During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

Answer 9

Why did the farmer start his own punk rock band?

Because he got tired of Hall n' Oates. lol

Answer 10

yo momma so stupid when she saw a yellow bus fulla white kids she. Started running down the street yelly " STOP THAT TWINKI!!"