Depressed 15 year old son - (loss of brother)?

Question

Our family suffered the death of his twin brother earlier this year. Which has really affected him.

Their 16 birthday is coming up in a bit. Anything I special should do? Or throw a party and act like everything is normal? I am not sure if it would be mentally healthy to do. But should I just ignore their birthday because one is gone?

Answer 1

as a mother you feel the loss of your son keenly, but nothing is closer than a brother (or a sister) - especially a twin.

you talk about this problem as if it is something that you need to somehow solve for your surviving son. this is the hard way to do it, perhaps even an impossible way.

the members of a family are not entirely separate people, we are part of our parents, and our siblings, and even our uncles, neices and in-laws.

you have a problem with how to cope with your son's death - not just today but for the rest of your life.

your surviving son has the same problem. he has exactly the same problem.

talk to your son about how he would like to celebrate his birthday. tell him your concerns that you want to celebrate his continuing life but not diminish the value of his twin's absence.

ask your son does he want to have the party at home (all of his friends knew your other son too) or would he like it better if you as a family took a short break somewhere. (you need not worry about leaving your dead son behind you. the dead are dead, they are not lost).

when jesus knew that he must leave his own mother he told her that she must take care of her other son (john 19:26-27). the dead can look after themselves, which is why we the living must look after each other.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear about your loss, it must be very hard to deal with especially for your son.

Don't ignore it...that would be the worst thing you could do to your son, someone who was the other half of the jigsaw...he probably feels like half of him has been cut away. I really can't imagine how that would feel though.

I think you should have a party and invite all his friends and his lost brother's friends and have a joint party ( dont act like its normal and dont tread lightly too much it does hurt more if you refuse to mention anything that could be associated) for the life and death of them get a big picture blown up on a banner or something of the two of them together to remind him his brother may not be there but his memory will always live on within him (or maybe a picture on the cake. Whatever you do don't OVER mention his brother either that could make him almost feel like he's not a person if his brother isn't there. You know what I mean?

Talk to him, deffinately! I think you might want professional help after the birthday though, it's not something your family will just get over (as you probably already know! He might not like it but you'll have to make an effort to reach out to him) Maybe you should visit a place your other son loved or they both shared? Or his grave? After the party or whatever you plan to do. You could also release some balloons with his picture on or send a boat down the river marking acceptance that he's not here anymore but also celebrating the birthday that is for your living sone and could have been for the twin who has passed.

I know when my some of my family members died it was hard for a while and I stayed in my room or didnt talk much, its quite a normal reaction but a good holiday might be needed to take your mind off the stress a bit afterwards.

This probably doesn't help much but I hope you and your family regain some normality after your loss.

Answer 3

Oh that is so awful. I feel for your whole family and I am very sorry for your loss.

Whatever you do have a special day. If I were you I would make the morning a special time for you and your son to remember his brother, visit his grave (if he has one) and/or do something special such as plant a rose or put a special plant or ornament in your garden as a "present" for your son who died, and for your remaining son to know that no-one is trying to wash over the fact that his brother is no longer with him. If you can get a few nice photos of them together and put them in an album for your son as well (or one really special one in a nice frame), that would be lovely.

The afternoon... try and give that a happier slant and either have a party or arrange an outing with a few close friends and family members... make it a happier time.

Hopefully in the years to come the memories will be fond ones and not so raw. Their birthday will be hard this year but it definitely should never be ignored.

All best wishes to all of your family, and you, yourself, are being so wonderful to be able to think of your son in this way... make sure you look after yourself too.

x X x

Answer 4

Jessy,
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I would suggest that maybe you and your son do something special in remembrance and honoring his brother and their birthdays. What did his brother like to do? Maybe you could do that together. If he liked hiking, go on a hike or something along those lines. Make it a day for the both of you to celebrate both birthdays. But I wouldn't act as if it was a normal year.
When my aunt died, it was close to Thanksgiving. That year, we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, but we did all get together and just spend time together with no expectations.
Also, if your son is depressed, then (if he's not already doing so,) he could join a bereavement group or seek some counseling. I would also ask him what he would prefer for his birthday. He may not feel like celebrating in the usual sense but doing something together that honors the both of them might fit.
God Bless you and your son and the rest of your family.

Answer 5

Hello, this is really tough for all of you,The pain is overwhelming,to lose a child and brother too, especially a twin, they seem to have a special closeness, have you thought of getting him a pet of some sort,maybe a dog?? anything to help take his mind off losing a loved one?Might also be good for the family too.But do celebrate the birthday,albiet quietly, dont try to pretend nothing is wrong, perhaps make a scrap book together of all the good times shared. My heart is with you all.

Answer 6

Sad situation - but trying to act as though the twin never existed would be wrong. Death is a natural occurrence - and it is healthy to identify and openly state the good things and the positive memories that this person has left us .... without overshadowing the birthday of the surviving twin .... yes, it's a balancing act, but well within the capabilities of most people. --- Final thought (from personal experience): Tears are healthy.

Answer 7

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to loose a child. You should still recognize the b-day. Put the brother's picture up & celebrate him, too. It's OK during this time to cry, show emotion with the family. The brother is probably feeling survivor's guilt as well. It is completely part of the normal grieving process to recognize dates such as b-days and death dates, etc. You should also make sure that the brother is getting therapy. Good luck to you & God bless.

Answer 8

WHat would you normally do for their birthdays? If you normally have a party then sure i think you should have one. It has been six months almost? Have a picture out of him and place it with candles ...take the remaining son to visit his brother at the burial site. Do not ignore your other son, you cannto do that cuz then you will cause him more depression. I know its gonna be tough on you...but you need to help him cope with it...maybe he needs some cheering up...Be there for him spiritually...But do not ignore their bday..make sure you remember and make the best ouf it..

My condolences...God bless

Answer 9

Thats tough. You cant completely ignore the birthday because one is gone..Maybe make it as cheerful as you can stand. And then have a moment of silence for the lost sibling. Make it an intimate event. Only close friends and family.
Im sorry to hear about your loss.
good luck =]

Answer 10

NO DNT EGNOR THATS THE WORSE THING im sorry 4 your loss
you ccould take him up to the grave with a card and flowers to show its still his day too talk toyour son talk about all the best and funny times you too cry laugh then go out eat talk ask him what he would like to ask if he would like few mates over ?? or a night in with you film popcorn a good comedy just have a good laugh and remmber the good times sumtimes talkin is beta than leavein thimgs unsaid or egnoring them