Anyone have any good dirty jokes?

Answer 1

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who
was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me
back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from hi s
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was
covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought u ntil he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farm yard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he
did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under
his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got
the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he
laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew
that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him
ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shittin' in the bed!

Answer 2

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady

Answer 3

Here you go

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

Answer 4

An chinese man who owned a restaurant fell in love with one his waitresses. They where to be married soon and go on their honeymoon.
The young woman, afraid of her inexperience in bed, decided to read-up on a few techniques. She studied all of the books she could find and after a couple days felt confident of her abilities to please her new husband.
The night of the honeymoon came and they both climbed into bed, ready for a night of passion.
The man leaned towards his bride and said, "I hope my years of experience do not intimidate you."
"It is OK," replied the young woman.
Confident in her knew found wisdom, she whispers into her lover's ear, "Do you like 69?!"
The man looked at her with a puzzled look and asks, "Beef lomain with broccoli?!"

Answer 5

Superman was flying in the sky, looked down and saw Lois Lane lying butt naked on the top off a building. So he flies down, f***s her at the speed of light and takes off. Lois asks "what was that?" and the Invisible man replies "I don't know, but my a** hurts!"

Answer 6

An old man needs to get his yearly physical exam for insurance purposes. The doctor comes in and says that the old man has to give a semen speciman and gives the old timer the container and sends him on his way. The old man gets home and first tries with his right hand, with no luck, then he tries with his left hand, still no luck, so he then tries with both hands and yet again, no luck.
The old man is dismayed but his wife offers to help. She first tries with her right hand, with no luck, then her left hand, still no luck, finally she tries BOTH hands, STILL no luck.
The old couple are about to give up but then they decide to ask their neighbor. So the neighbor comes over and tries with her right hand, and her left hand and finally both hands with NO LUCK !
The next day the old man goes back to the doctor's office and explains that he tried and couldn't do it, his wife tried and couldn't do it, and his neighbor tried and couldn't do it. The old man then says: "No matter who tried, no one could get the cover off that speciman cup!

Answer 7

a man and a woman went out from the bar and while walking on the street the man suddenly pushed the woman to the wall and kissed her. the woman didn't refused since she liked it too so the man started unbuttoning his pants and held the woman's hand and put it in his pants. but to his embarrassment the woman said:" NO THANKS, I DONT SMOKE!"

Answer 8

The snowman fell in a mud puddle.

Answer 9

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, d!ckhead."
The man returns: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Answer 10

Doggie Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Does
your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."