Jokes Anyone?

Question

I need some good funny jokes. Thanks!

Answer 1

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Answer 2

TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

Raises

It is advised that you should come to work dressed according to your salary:

1. If we see you wearing $400 Prada shoes and carrying a $800 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, therefore you do not need a raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's excuse as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where the employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch, to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-fast.


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Thank you for your loyalty to our company.


We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Thanks...
Human Resources

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A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses that guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg, PA."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."
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Answer 3

Alaskan Kayak Accident


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Answer 4

☻☺☻☺☻☺☻

Pete and Repeat were on the fence. Pete fell off. Who remained on the fence?


Pete and Repeat were on the fence. Pete fell off. Who remained on the fence?

OK☼

Pete and Repeat were on the fence. Pete fell off. Who remained on the fence?

☻☺☻☺☻

I was riding in a taxicab this morning and there was a female dispatcher on the two-way radio. She was dispatching the cabs to various addresses and the usual dispatch chatter was going on. Suddenly, the dispatcher asked? ... Michael Hunt, are you out there... Mike? Do you read me? ... Mike Hunt, Mike Hunt... Come in.... Come In... Come in Mike Hunt.

I don't know why this is so funny to me- it was just a cab ride.

I couldn't stop laughing. I think something shot out of my nose!

☻☺☻☺☻

Answer 5

If you need a favor or some assistance go see my manager Helen Wait. Did you not here me, I said go to Helen Wait.

Answer 6

A friend emailed me this one today! Enjoy!

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/Beginning.htm

Answer 7

whats brown and sticky? a stick

Answer 8

whats pink and fluffy?


pink fluff!!!