Mother / Step-father Problems?

Question

Hey everyone.

I'm in a little situation here. I was kicked out of my mom's about 9 months ago and haven't seen or spoken to my mother since.

My step-father kicked me out, why it doesn't matter, it's not that bad, but we exchanged some words, things that I had built up in me for many years now, and they all came out when he told me how he felt about me.

He told me "never to come back". I've been told that it was ok to come over for christmas, mother's day, my birthday, but I never went back.

My step-father is not a bad guy at all, he's supported my mother and my brothers and sisters at the best ability he can, as well as my mother has.

I'm not a bad child or anything, but I've had some drug problems, and am a computer junky, and it gets in the way of family/job situations.

So, what should I do? Should I go see them? Stop in and say Hi? Or are his words true, not to ever come back and see my own mother? I feel he basically took my own mother away from me.

Anything said will help.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. It's greatly appreciated.

If anyone else has anything else they want to add feel free. Be brutally honest if you must, it's what I need.

Answer 1

First, get your life in order what with holding down a job and a place to live. Been there. I also understand being a little too addicted to technology. I never had a step-parent but almost everyone I know has had one and you notice these things about how to deal with step-parents. Right now, your mom might be resentful to her husband for throwing you out because no matter how old she gets, you are her baby. She might be afraid you might take advantage of her by freeloading and every else you insinuated you do to piss off your family. Been there. Yet I assure you there is a loophole to what your step-dad said while recovering the relationship you had with your mom. Don't visit yet. The person you need to rebuild a relationship with is your mom, not her husband. Forget him. All step-parents are jealous and deep down afraid of the step-kid. You're lucky if the kid even mildly respects you because so many step-parents go over their boundaries and become control freaks thinking it's defensive mood but all it does is offend the kid and that's what creates conflict. It's like being a sub teacher only living with the class.
Contact your mom by mail. Send the woman a card: random postcards saying, "Hi! I'm okay. Hope you're doing well. Love, (your name here)" as well as cards on her birthday, yours, your step-siblings birthdays and any other important days and holidays. Send her flowers with a note apologizing for not always being a reliable, mature person and how you're improving yourself. Let her know where to reach you and in a while suggest meeting for lunch (you buy) because you are competing with your step-dad for your mom's attention and time. The fact that your step-dad said not to come to the house is not an issue because hey, that's not your house, you don't pay the rent or mortgage on it and there are countless places you can see your mom at. Her husband is expected to have some rights on who is allowed in the home that he shares with your mom. He's not the god or boss of your mom or of you and she is equally entitled to make her decisions like meeting up with her own grown child for maybe mommy and me pedicures which is a great way for you to meet women actually (2 birds with one stone). You don't have to socialize with your mom with your step-dad around or at their home and you can start by having written correspondence with her. It'll make your step-dad look like a petty little baby and soon he'll be apologizing for being too hot-headed. Whereas you tell him (smug smirk in check) how it's okay, over time you've come to see his side of the story, it's hard to be a step-parent, blah blah blah even if you still think he's a jerk. Besides, as an adult leaving the nest, you'll appreciate seeing your mom on your turf instead of your step- dad's territory. Have fun being the bigger, better man because you do want to be there for your mom. Really old people who stopped talking to their kids are in a bad situation because that's when they need their kids to take care of them and 30 or 40 years from now you're going to have to take care of her for a change. Your step-father might want to make up and apologize to you because one day you might be the one putting him into a nursing home or writing the checks that pays for the nurse that changes his Depends. This beef you two are having not only affects the near future but also affects your life years from now and it looks like you're the one who needs to make the first few steps. Send your mom a little note just saying hi and let her know where to reach you to socialize when she's ready. Don't be quick to give up in case you get rejected. Parents are always stubborn and sometimes they're bigger children than their kids are. You both have feeling that need to be mutually respected. Good luck.

Answer 2

It sounds as if your step father did what he though you needed. Sometimes as parents it is hard to do what is right for a child. If you have changed and stopped using drugs and now understand how your bad habits hurt you and the family I would suggest you call him and tell both your mother and step dad thanks for the help and that you have changed. He did not take away your mother - you did by your actions - it sounds as if he loves your family and was looking out for everyones best interest. You sound as if you have really grown up and matured. Please don't seek revenge on him or you family. Also you could write a letter to your mother and explain what you have said here, it might surprise you the response you get. Nothing makes any parent prouder is than when a child succeeds. Good luck and I hope you and your family can get back together as one.

Answer 3

Well, as tough as this may sound, you need to move on dude. I'm not saying never talk to or visit your mom again, but at least back off for sometime and let things cool off. I've had similar situations (my mom has been married and divorced 4 times!), and I'm now a step-dad myself, and the hard truth of it is, he's the man of the house, and you need to respect what he says. I'm sure in time once he cools off he won't mind you coming to visit, maybe even miss you or invite you. But the best thing you can do (for yourself and your mom) is just get you own place. Let your mom and dad have theirs and do your best to love and respect them. There comes a time in all our lives when we gotta leave the nest (mine was age 16). No hard feelings though. Just try to understand where they are coming from, and let the past stay in the past. I'm sure you mom loves you very much, but no parent expects to live with their child for the rest of their life, however, when people get married they are expecting to live together forever. It'll be OK, man. It's just time to grow and change, we all go through it!

Answer 4

As we all know, respect has to be earned. But, as a Christian, it is possible to respect his authority as the father, senior man of the house, your mom's husband, etc., and yet still know and have great distaste for his character as a man. When I was in the U.S. Marine Corps there were plenty of officers and NCO's that I disliked, but I had to learn to respect their authority, even though I disliked them as people. Little Brother, the most important thing you can do to help your mother and your step-father is to continue to pray for him. Pray that God pulls out all the stops to get to this man's heart and change it. That He does whatever it takes to change his character and his disposition into something that resembles a man of love, sincerity, and devotion. God will continue to Bless you and your family as you continue to love, obey, and worship Him while you go throuhg this trial by fire. I know in my heart that you all will come out the other side stronger, more devoted to each other and God, and more willing to do His Will. Oh yeah, if you can as a family, when he is not around, get together and sing hymns and worship songs to God. It will surely help alleviate some of the stress. . The only reason I said, "...when he's not around..." is because he may not appreciate your efforts and cause more trouble that you guys do not need.

Answer 5

I'm betting that your drug problem hurt and upset your Mom very deeply. Your stepdad, who was trying to protect the woman he loves, decided to eliminate the problem by kicking you out. When he told you to never come back, I'm pretty sure that meant only while you continue to do drugs. I'm pretty sure again that if you clean up and stop doing drugs, get/keep a job and show some responsibility and maturity, they will welcome you back with open arms. In the meantime, you should call your Mom just to let her know that you're OK and still alive. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

I think he cares about you. If he did not care he would've let you do what ever you want. He cares about what your mother feels. May be he would see your mother hurting when you where out being a bad kid. If you go back and apologize for what you did I think he would let you in. Just keep your word, don't loose your families trust. He cares about you, but I'm sorry to say this but every house will have RULES and you have to obey them. Speak or else you will not be heard. Think of your mother too, not just yourself.

I'm in a similar situation, my kids are still young though. He's very strict with my kids, but I never stop him. Kids need disipline. I see what we where and what we are now. He's done alot for us.

Life is not worth waisting, you only have one. Make the best of it. Have fun, enjoy life. It's never to late....Good Luck, and God Bless You!!!

Answer 7

You should keep some communication, that's your Mom
and your family. I don't know what was said or what is
was all about, but don't let another day go by without
talking to them. How would you feel if something happened to them? That is your only Mother, and you need to remember that.

Answer 8

dam dude i know exactly what you mean i went through that **** about 3 years ago. go back and see your mom. it's been 9 monthes, that's about how long it was before i went to see my mom. believe it or not your she'll be happy to see you; and with her being happy your step-father should too. i mean yeah me and my stepfather still have problems. but that **** on;y made me and my mom closer. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 9

I say keep fighting the good fight and come back on those days that your allowed to and politly ask if you can stay.Tell them your not the way you were and see what happens.

Answer 10

I would call my mother and set up a meeting on neutral grond and tell her how you feel..if your uncomfoprtable with that write a letter that always helps and its sentimental