Butting Heads With Future Mother In Law?

Question

Ok first off, I love my fiance's mother very much. My fiance and I grew up very different households, his family was more country and mine was more city (if that makes sense) As soon as we got engaged I knew the planning of the wedding would hit some bumps, but I had no idea it would be like this. First off I don't want any children (besides the ones in the bridal party) to attend the wedding, and when she found out she freaked out, then the colors; I want black, white and red as soon as I said that she flipped out again!This is just scratching the surface, I get a little irritated because my parents and my fiance and I are paying for everything so I feel like she doesn't get a say in it.I don't mind ideas but she has no tact when it comes to giving them, honestly she hurts my feelings most of the time.This weekend my mother, sister, future mom and I are going to a bridal show and I know it will be a little uncomfortable, I don't want to hurt her feelings but it's our wedding not hers

Answer 1

EXCELLANT book, Wedding Sanity Savers. Get a copy from the library. It has a wealth of info contained between the covers.

Try to understand that she too, has had a preconceived of how she invisioned her son being maried. You ideas have no doubt caused her to face a bit of reality, also. You are correct that it is YOUR wedding & you should have things YOUR way. I commend you on sticking to your guns.

Sit the woman down & tell her how you feel & how she hurts your feelings. That you love her and want this to be a joyous occassion and you'd appreciate her cooperation. Do this with her, and anyone else that tries causing you problems.

Answer 2

This is a delicate situation. You do not want to hurt her feelings, but you also do not want her to hurt yours.

The mother of the groom doesnt have a say in the wedding ceremony, and she should not be included in the planning of it. This normally causes problems when they are involved. The wedding ceremony is completely the bride and grooms choice. Even though the brides parents normally are paying for the wedding ceremony and reception, they actually traditionally do not have a say in any of it.

Stand your ground, but be tactful. Explain to her that the wedding ceremony is your choice, and you will have it the way that you and the groom want it. Explain to her how she has been making you feel, and how she has been hurting your feelings by trying to take over everything. Make sure that you do not do this alone though, have the groom there with you. This way the mother in law will not feel that it is just you and that you just dont like her. It may even be better if it comes directly from the groom, her son.

Answer 3

I didn't butt heads with my MIL, but some folks were a bit taken back by my decisions. We paid for our wedding, and my mom helped a great deal with expenses. I completely understand how you feel, but you need to set the tone with everyone that this is your wedding, and while you can take everyone's suggestions and ideas, ultimately, the decision is up to you and your fiance.

I love your color scheme -- perhaps giving a sample to your MIL, mom and bridal party (so no one is singled out) of how things would look, or an idea of what you want might settle the uneasiness you are feeling. If feelings get hurt, it will be unintentional -- just breathe, and take it easy.

I feel for you sweetie, because I am sure it hurts your feelings. Just keep in mind that this is the way she is, and that you have to take what she says at face value - no more, no less.

Good luck with everything.

Answer 4

I'll be honest with you, it should be children allowed, or no children. It's kinda rude to say that her kids are ok but his aren't. I am all for having weddings without children, but I think it should be one or the other.

As far as her being rude and unfeeling sometimes, some people are just like that. They just don't get it. If she continues to hurt your feeings, then leave her out of the planning and make your Fiance do all dealings with her.

My MIL was rude, declasse, and had horrible horrible ideas and of course all my ideas were 'weird' to her. I cut her out of the planning and the wedding ended up being beautiful. She just wasn't wordly enough to understand what I wanted, so there was no reason for her to be involved. Just getting proper addresses and names from her was a huge nightmare and she went out of her way to make me feel stupid for asking. So, from that point, any suggestions were met with, "That's an interesting idea, thank you." End of story.

Answer 5

I don't like my mother in law. She was a pain before we got married and is a pain now after one year. Well I can tell you from experience that you should set her in her place (not in a mean way) before she gets out of hand. You can ether have your fiance speak to her - and let her know that it's YOUR wedding and that you do appreciate the support but you know exactly what you want. Or you can sit down with her and let her know yourself.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

OMG Sounds like home. Is she Italian by any chance? I have been married for 26 yrs. and my mother in law has been butting in forever. It has caused so much trouble between my husband and I. Your wedding is between you and your husband but just remember and I don't care what anyone says you marry his family too. Good luck. And by the way, my mother in law went wild when we decided on an adult reception too, also she said she didn't want us to have a big wedding because she would be afraid to be among all of those people. OMG honey, its only started. You better think things over, I hope your husband stands up to her.

Answer 7

Hon, I don't know what to tell you. It has taken three years for my mother and law to be civil to each other. She is country and thinks she's better than everyone. As for the wedding, you do what you and your fiance want. Do not let your mother in law control that because I promise you will regret it. If her feelings get hurt, to bad! She needs to realize your fiance picked you for a reason!

Answer 8

First, let me say this. It is YOUR day. Period. Your wedding day is for you and your husband-to-be. It's not for your friends. It's not for your siblings, cousins, auntes and uncles. It's NOT for your parents or his. This day is for you.
If you are paying for your wedding then you have ALL the say in what does and doesn't happen on that day. In fact, in my opinion, even if his parents are paying for part of it, they still have no say. So, here's what my wife and I did.. maybe this will help you out.
When we decided to get married we laid out the ground rules from the word go. My fiance and I discussed what WE wanted with our wedding. Our location. How we wanted to do it. Where we wanted to do it. The food. Type/style of dinner. Everything.
We then notified both our parents that WE were having the wedding we wanted and that WE were paying for it. We did not ask them for money. We did not expect money from them. We told them that IF they wanted to give us any money toward the wedding, they could BUT only on one condition. Just because they gave us money didn't mean they could demand changes or additions to the event.
We told them we were NOT having any children under the age of 18.. period, no questions... no exceptions. We told them what we had planned for the wedding, where.. when.. what.. how.. why.. period.
We got married at a resort or our choosing. A place that suited our 'Christmas' wedding and a place that we could actually get married at with the justice of the peace, then, while we had a meet-and-greet after the ceremony in the same hall/resort area, the resort staff would re-arrange the rest of the hall for the dinner. We had a buffet dinner and we selected the menu and I created a desert to go along with the other deserts we picked from the chef's selection. We also arranged for the rooms and cabins all to be the same price regardless of the number of people or the variance in price.. each one was the same.
We then took all the info to our folks and laid it all out.
Her parents, for the most part were fine with everything and offered us $1500 towards the wedding and said they would not interfere, although they felt we should allow two nieces and nephews that were 16.. we said no and that was the end of it. My parents were much more difficult to deal with. I only had one niece who was 16. She is the daughter of a step sister from my fathers first marriage. I don't like them and did't want them at our wedding but, out of respect for my father, we invited them but not my niece. She was under 18. ... and we said no exceptions.
Anyway, for the most part, the wedding was great. However, my family did create some problems which were the start of many problems with my mother over the past 11 years with no sign of it ending any time soon.
My mother hates my wife and from the get-go, said and did some nasty thing.. including saying something at the wedding to my wifes one sister. Of course, it got back to my wife.. why wouldn't it!! From that point on, my wife distrusted my mother. Things got worse. My point.. it all stemmed from the wedding. However, I DO NOT regret our decision.
Our wedding was one to remember. We did not spend a lot of money because we didn't have a lot. I think we had 55 guests and our total cost, was $5000 and we had an extra $700 that we used to buy everybody who stayed at the resort brunch the next day (so there was about 50 people!). Even today, friends we talk to still talk about our wedding because we did what we wanted. It suited our personalities.. our styles... our lives. Friends and certain relatives remember that and that is the most important thing to us next to us enjoying it.
So, you do what you want. Do not let your future in-laws, especially your mother-in-law force you to do things you don't want to do. If you do, she'll keep trying to do it and you'll regret it.
A wedding should be for the couple that are getting married but I think parents and family forget that.. or ignore it. You want to remember your day for what you created. Do it your way.
I wish you every happiness and success with your wedding. Best of luck (oh, I can forward on my address for the invite if you need it! :-) Cheers!

Answer 9

Ugh, this is a tough situation! What a positive, though, that you care about your future mother-in-law... many ladies cannot say that. :) Do your best to keep discussions LOW KEY, avoid escalating voices, and do your utmost to remain respectful of her opinions. If it is possible at all, find ways to compromise (maybe on things that aren't as critical to you? I don't know?) If you can explain kindly to her that you prefer a certain thing, and that you can completely understand that not everyone is going to share your tastes, but that it is important to you, and are very gentle about it, that should at least keep arguements to a minimum. And don't gang up, either. Express your opinion, but do not throw in "EV-ry body thinks it should be done this way..." you know what I mean. Gosh. Congratulations on getting married, and good luck with your situation.

Answer 10

Okay I have the mother in law from hell!!!!!!! Put your foot down now ,in a very classy way talk with her and tell her like it is. If you let her run over you now you will never be happy. Believe me I know! I tried to be nice to her and tried to ignore her and tried to just deal with it. It did not get better until I sat her down and told her that I am married to her son and she is not and he is mine! One very very valuable piece of advice......... I mean you have got to remember this. Do not EVER talk bad about her. And I mean EVER. It will only cause problems.She sounds just like my witch in law and when I would say bad stuff about her to my hubby it would hurt his feelings. Even though he acted like it didn't bother him, it did. Good luck with the wedding, I hope it turns out beautiful. Remember this day is all about you and your new hubby and don't let her ruin it. Don't worry about hurting her feelings because she clearly does not care about yours.
Very cool on the red, black and white wedding:)