does anyone know agood joke?

Question

and will tell me

Answer 1

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Answer 2

Cowboy Logic

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote
population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a
"more humane" solution.

What the Sierra Club proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be
controlled.

All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't ******' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

Answer 3

Here are some-

1.Q What do u call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?
A Gifted

Q Why did the blonde die in a helipcoptor crash?
A She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q Why did the blonde bring a red marker to work?
A In case she has to draw blood.

Q1 How can u tell if a blondes been using a computer?
A Theres white-out on the screen
Q2 How can u tell if another blondes been using the computer/
A There's writing on top of the white-out.

Q Whats the diff between a blond and a computer?
A U only have to punch info into a computer once.

Q What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A She didnt like it because she didn't get channel 9.

Q Do u know why the blonds got fired from the M&M factory?
A Cause she kept throwing out all the W 's.

Q How can u tell which blonde is the waitress?
A She is the one with a tampon behind her ear wonderin waht she did with the pencil.

Q How can you tell when a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A There's a stamp on it.

Q Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A They're both empty from the neck up.

Q What do u call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A Artificial Intellagence.

Q How do u make a blonde laugh on Sat.?
A Tell her a joke on Wed.


3 blondes were all applying for the last available postition for Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at them and said, "Yall wanna be cops, huh?"
they all nodded. The detective then opened a file drawer and pulled out a file. He sat back down and pulled a picture out of the file. "To be a detective u gotta detect. U have to notice scars, oddities, distingushing features, and so forth." As he said that, he put the photo in the frst blondes face. "Did u notice anything ma'am?" "Sure. He has only one eye!!" "Ofcourse he has only 1 eye! its a profile of his face!" Your dismissed. The blonde hung her head and walked out. The detective then stuck the photo in the next blonde face. "How about u?" "Yeah! he has only 1 ear!!" "Ofcourse he has only 1 ear! Didnt u hear the other lady? Its a profile of his face! your excused too." Then he said, "Now i know this is goona be a waste of time but did u notice anything?" "I sure did!! This man wears contact lenses!!" The detective looked at the other things in the file and then said, "In these other files it says that he wears contacts! How did u know that?!" The blonde answered, "Well, Helllllooooooooooo! if he only has 1 eye and 1 ear he cant wear glasses!!"


There were 3 woman-- a brunette, a Red Head, and a blonde. They all worked together in the same office. Everyday they noticed that their boss left work everyday early. One day they got together and decided that that day they were going to leave work when their boss left. The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and went to bed to get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home and got a work out in before dinner. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She saw her boss in bed with her husband! She quickly shut the door before she was noticed. She then left. The next day at work the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about leaving work again early. They ask the blonde if she wants to join in and the blonde says, "No! Yesterday i almost got caught!!"


A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about the colors of the walls in her house. In the first room the wman said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down the went over to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN, SIDE UP!!" They walked into the next room and the woman said she would like a soft yellow. the contractor wrote that down and went over to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN, SIDE UP!!" The walked into the last room and the woman said she would like a warn rose color. The painting contractor wrote that down and then walked over to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN, SIDE UP!!" The woman got curious and asked, "Why do u keep yelling out the window, GREEN, SIDE UP!!?" The reply was, "Sorry ma'am but i have a crew of blondes across the street.


A blonde goes into a store and tries to buy a tv. The store clerk says, "Sorry ma'am but we dont serve blondes." The blonde goes back to her house gets a brown wig and then goes back to the store trying to buy a tv. The store clerk says the same thing. The blonde the goes back home again, gets a black wig, goes back to the store, and tries to buy the same tv. The store clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, but we just dont serve blondes." The blonde says, "How the f*#% do u know that im a blonde???!!" The store clerk replies, "Yeah, umm that is a microsoft computer not a tv."


To prepare for a date a guy went to a tanning booth to get a nice tan. he didnt want tan lines so he tanned nude. (kinda gross, but its funny at the end.) He fell asleep and his magic stic got burnt. lol Anyway he didnt want to miss out on his date with the blonde so he just left it. Afte dinner with her theywatched a movie in his appartment. His thing hurt so he asked to be excused. His friend told him to put it in a glass of milk so hedid and felt imideite relief. the blonde came in and saw everything. then she said with a total look of understanding on her face, "So that's how u load those things!" (It is kinda gross but its funny at the end of the joke.)


A red head, brunette and a blonde were all killed in a accident. Whn they arrived at the gates of heaven St. Peter tells them about a prucesure they had to go through to get to heaven. "u see there's 100 steps. As u go up each step u will hear a joke. The object is to make it to the 100th step without laughing." The red head gets to the 5th step and bursts out laughing. A trap door opens and she is gone. The brunette gets to the 20th step and the same thing happens to her. The blonde gets to the 100th step, steps off it, and bursts out laughing. St Peter asks, "What's so funny blondie?" The blonde says, "I just got the 1st joke!"


A business man gets on an elevator. A blond is already on it. When the man gets on the blonde says T.G.I.F! The man replies by saying S.H.I.T! The blonde looks at him and says T.G.I.F! Again the man answers S.H.I.T! The blonde is puzzled so she tries to explain things by saying, "T.G.I.F, Thank god it's Friday! The man says, "S.H.I.T, Sorry honey it's Thursday!"


2 Blondes r standing on opposite sides of a river. 1 says 2 the other, "how d i get to the other side?" The other blonde says, "You ARE on the other side!!"


A brunette is walking on train trax saying 21-21-21-21. A bonde walks up to her and says, "why do u keep saying "21-21-21-21." ?! She doesn't answer and a train soon comes. the brunette walk off the trax and the blonde gets run over. As soon as the train passes the Brunette gets back on the trax and says, "22-22-22-22."


A blind guy goes into a bar and sits down at a bar stool. He shouts, "Anyone wanna hear a dumb blond joke?" In a hushed voice the guy next to him says, "Before u tell that joke u should know something. Our bartender IS blond, the bouncer is blond. Im a 6' blond black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'', weighs 225lbs., and hes a rugby player. The fella to ur right is 6'5'', pushing 300lbs., and a wrestler. Each 1 of us IS blond. Think about it Mister, do u still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if im goona have to repeat it 5 times."

-Haley -I hope you like them

Answer 4

A guy was asking people to guess how big is d**k was because he taught he was the man. He happened to as a crowd of women and one of their boyfriends heard he ask Can you guess how Big my d**k is and the man repiled not as big as mine B**ch because I am Rick James LOL

Answer 5

hi...........

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China......


What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.


How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.


The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."

Answer 6

Why did Tigger jump into the toilet?

To get Pooh.

Hee-hee...Funny and clean...okay kinda clean...technically poo is a little dirty ; )

Answer 7

whats the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?

it only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus

Answer 8

oooooooo max.... you know where your gonna go. oh and tiffany told me them jokes too, pretty funny.

Answer 9

no, no jokes to tell you