During that time she lived with another man for 1.5 years. She is now living on her own and is torn. Her ex husband was emotional and physically abusive in the past towards her and emotional towards the boys. He has now after counsilling come a long waay and is o longer like that. The man she lived with after he husband she loves more than life itself. He provides for her and her sons and has been like a father to them. maybe a little stricter. Now they are speaking again and shes happier. But she would do anything to make sure her sins are happy they come first. Her 14 yr loves this man and wants to be around him and would be devistated to not have him in his life. (he has never gotten along with his real dad even when he was a baby). THe 16yr and 11 yr hate this guy and rufuse to have anything to do with him. They have threatned to run away if she talks to him and doesnt want there brother to have anything to do with him. so either way one or more of the sons get hurt.
2006-07-19 06:22:07 · 11 answers · asked by Trouble 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
what should she do? any adive would help. The real dad doesnt want his sons around this guys etiher. for the simple reason of those are my kids not yours. help...
2006-07-19 06:22:48 · update #1
i am doing this to help her because she is really confused and upset and asked for my help
2006-07-19 06:29:28 · update #2
and yes in the end it is her descion and i would support her but i am trying to give her different points of veiw to help her make her descion. havent you ever asked a friend for help.. if you aare going to critize me for wanting to help a friend then dont answer
2006-07-19 06:31:12 · update #3
the problem is one of her sons wants to be around him and the other two dont want to be around him and dont want there brother. What does she do so the boys dont hate each other or her. she doesnt want this to tear apart her family they are really close
2006-07-19 06:33:08 · update #4
Whoa- tough question!!
Sounds like Dad is wanting to come back and have things be all hunkey-dorey. He needs to realize it's not gonna happen. Sounds like Dad still has a little growing up to do- "They're my sons, not yours"- yeah, sounds kinda grade-school, kinda controling (aka abusive).
If Step-dad is keeping 14 in line and they get along, Dad needs to be accepting of that- be grateful 14 doesn't want to live with a father-figure that lets him get away with stuff.
If 16 and 11 want to be with Dad, fine. Dad needs to be grateful that all 3 sons are good kids
16 and 11 need to realize that what they want isn't always going to happen. They need almost as much growing up as Dad- It's not their place to determine who Mom is with. They're playing terrorist- threaten others unless they live like you want them to...
I'm guessing Mom wants to be with Step-dad, even though her and Dad are talking again... I think it's a bad idea for her to go back to her ex- old habits die hard.
Idea- Mom and 14 live with Step-dad, 11 and 16 live with Dad... Mom and 14 come to visit on a regular basis...
Ah, the joys of a split-up family!....
2006-07-19 06:44:43 · answer #1 · answered by Yoda's Duck 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This can be a rough one. All i will reply is the way I *personally* would control it - i would take a seat him down and tell him precisely how I felt. I'd also inform him that although i like him very so much and love the way in which he treats my youngsters, that if things don't change i'm going to have to explore my choices. What you described shouldn't be the best way a relationship works and if it is truly given that he's still so harm from his earlier marriage, then he should search some style of counseling. He'll on no account be capable to make someone else completely happy until he is completely happy. Possibly letting him recognize that you would be able to not live this fashion will support him understand he wants some counseling.
2016-08-09 01:43:44 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she should try the being on her own for a while and spend as much time with the boys as possiable. THEY DO COME FIRST no matter how she feels toward a man her sons need to know that they will always be number one and their needs and things will be taken care of first. Maybe some time along with just the boys will give her time to sort out her emotions about the men in her life.
2006-07-19 06:31:57 · answer #3 · answered by bree30 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it might be best to take the 2 sons advice over the middle one. Sometimes kids can see things that we can't. Sometimes they know more about a person then we can. Maybe he has done things to them that he hasn't to the middle one. Who knows? But if 2 of the 3 don't like him, there is a reason and she needs to sit down and talk to them and find out why they don't like him. Make sure to do it in a non-offensive way, like in a public place where they aren't afraid that she will get mad at them, or have a family meeting where they can get feelings out without fearing that they won't be listened to, or that mom will get mad at them.
Sometimes a mom has to do what is best for most rather then all. It's a hard choice to make, but in the end, she needs to do what is best for ALL her family and also herself. She may love the guy, but sometimes that can lead to us not seeing what is really there. She needs to be objective and not think from her heart. It's hard, but sometimes that's what has to be done.
2006-07-19 06:32:51 · answer #4 · answered by odd duck 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the real dad of these kids isn't fixed if he thinks he has any control over who she allows the boys to see. The abuse will rear its ugly head again, don't fall for it. IOf course he is better no, he is trying to get his foot back in the door. If she is happy with the new guys, stay with him and forget the past. He can have a relationhip with his boys without her. That is why they call them ex
2006-07-19 06:32:51 · answer #5 · answered by Sue 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like if she is truly more worried about her sons, she needs to put what SHE wants on hold until she gets them raised and out of the house. This way, NONE of her sons gets hurt. She may not have the man/men in her house but there is nothing that says she can't date them. Just get her sons raised, before she moves in with either man.
2006-07-19 06:30:34 · answer #6 · answered by startwinkle05 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm since the guy she's in love with sounds like a wonderful guy. As long as he is good to the boys then there is no reason why she shouldn't stay with him. However, they ALL need family counseling. The ex is being abusive in another way...he's trying to control and manipulate who she is with. Like I said, they ALL would benefit from some counseling.
2006-07-19 06:28:00 · answer #7 · answered by darthbouncy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she wants to be with the boyfriend she should be with him. CHILDREN do not make decisions for their parents and she shouldn't let her kids dictate how she lives her life. As long as the boyfriend is good to her and her kids who gives a damn if the kids dont like him. My kids are 18, 16, 14, and 7 and I could care less if they disliked a man that was good to and for me. The ex had a chance and blew it. its good that he has gotten himself together but she has moved on and is entitled to a life the way she wants. The ex should maintain a relationship with his sons as much as possible and be a good parent to them and move on with his life.
2006-07-19 06:30:30 · answer #8 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, thats a real problem. Good luck to ur friend.
2006-07-19 06:27:53 · answer #9 · answered by ~jenn~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, if she wants advice, she'll ask for it. It is her life to handle, not yours, her choices, not your's. If you wrote to Dear Abby, she'd tell you the same thing - MYOB.
2006-07-19 06:29:08 · answer #10 · answered by Sunidaze 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋