My mother-in-law doesn't understand why our children will be more close with my mother's family?

Question

My husband I both agree our children will be more close with my family than his. Our children will be watched by my mother more, adn my mother will be around our children more in general.

This is because of several reasons:

1. My mother-in-law has treated me poorly since she met me.

2. My husband doesn't like to be around his mother that much because she is a difficult person.

3. But most of all, women are usually more comfortable with their own mothers and their families watching their children.

My mother-in-law has one child, a son, so she doesn't understand that children usually see their mother's family more than their father's family.

Does anyone else agree or understand what I mean?

Answer 1

I sure do!!lol My kids are very close with his parents..only because my family lives far away (about 5 states away) and they only see them about once a year...but I always said that If anything happens to me I want them to go with my parents. Only because they are my family. He doesnt think that is right...but that would be the way I'd want it

Answer 2

As far as points 1 and 2 are concerned I understand your reasoning entireley as for point3 I disagree completely. The last time I checked when you marry someone your families merge. His family is your family now too. She is your MOTHER in law not that woman in law. You should encourage a relationship with both sides of the family , your children need and deserve to be close to both sets of grand parents , aunts , uncles and cousins. I came from a family with your type of thinking and it sadens me to think about the fact that I didn't get to have a real relationship with my dad's side of the family. On the other hand , I love my in laws deeply as do my children. I know that the lives of my children are richer for having them and I know that my in laws feel blessed to have my children. It is selfish to pretend that your children are more related to one side than the other . When you consider your children as adults do you just assume that your son and any children he has just won't be close to you? I have two sons and a daughter and the idea that one day I would have very little to do with the men I gave birth to and raised and loved more than I could love anyone were barely part of my life as were their offspring. As I said if points 1 and 2 were your only points then fine but point 3 is just insulting to any mother with a son .

Answer 3

I love my mother-in-law as if she were my own. My mother was very ill before she passed and couldn't spend a lot of time with my children. However, I live 500 miles from my MIL and she calls once a week and is very active in her grandchildren's life.

Because you and your MIL don't get along, it is natural for you to not want to be around her. But I wouldn't just use the blanket statement - "My children will be closer to my family." She may be a lousy MIL, but might be a good gramma. However, it is up to her to create that bond by becoming active in their life. So, I would invite her to things, recitals, sporting events, parties, etc... Just to let her have those opportunities and to be the bigger person.

But I do understand. Why do so many MIL treat their DIL like crap? Get over it! Accept it. Jeez. I was engaged to a man whose mom HATED me, just because I was engaged to her son. And that strain caused the break-up. So, good luck!

Answer 4

yes i do. w/ your own family, you know what youre getting. its hard enough as a mom to be sure of the "other family", even under the best of circumstances. when theres already strain and distance in the relationship w/ the currently involved parties, i dont see how anyone can expect anything less than erring on the side of caution when bringing innocent children into the mix. my relationship w/ both my ex mother in law and my current is like a bad case of deja vu! both women are controlling, condecending, and more than a touch on the crazy side, to verying degrees. at any rate, i dont get along w/ and have been treated badly by both ---and let me tell you, theres nothing worse or more frustrating than being made to feel like a "breeder" to give a grandchild(ren) to women like these, who then think they hold supreme rights over YOUR child, while trying to edge you and your parenting out of YOUR child's life... been there. not fun! you are making the right choice, i can guarantee you!

Answer 5

I understand but don't agree
My mother-in-law didn't care for me much in the beginning but now we get along great. I think it all depends on the child my husband move away from his family so we live closer to my mom so she sees them more. But i believe that if we lived closer to his family then his mother would see them more.
Now if we lived equal distance from both parents I know that they both would strive to be present whenever they could.
It is hard for mothers to let go when they only have one child, his mother might not really have a problem with you it may be other things and she is just poor at expressing how she feels.
Regardless don't distance her (his mom) give her every opportunity that you would give your mom to be apart of your children lives. She will either step up or pull back. But you don't want it said that you didn't allow her to be apart.
Make sure you set the rules and she knows that she is always welcome but you and your spouse set the rules for your family and don't sway

Answer 6

Well, I would say that this doesn't always happen...having the maternal grandmother more involved. It depends on the situation of the actual family. I would say it's about half and half for our family. But I also don't have as good of a relationship with my mom like most daughters do. And my husband has a pretty good relationship with his parents, but I don't really trust them or like them as much. I actually prefer to have my husband's sister watch our kids. I would say do what you are more comfortable with, but make sure you let her see her grandchildren at least once every couple of months. She did make an investment in her son that she had hoped to get grandchildren out of. It might be a good decision to only put yourself in situations with your mother-in-law where you are in charge and are able to call the shots. Also have her think about her own relationship with her parents versus that with her in laws.

Answer 7

I completely agree and understand 100%. I though however live 600 miles away from my mother and this saddens because it is true what you are saying.

My mother in law had the opportunity to see my kids but she just doesn't use it as she should in my opinion. Maybe once a week if not once every 2 weeks.

But Yeah, I completely agree with how we trust our own moms to watch our kids more than hubbys.

Answer 8

I have a 15 year old son and I think it would totally break my heart to not be close to my grand kids. They r apart of me too and id want to do everything in my power to spend time with them. BUT I also know all about controlling and selfish mother in laws!!!! I know when my son gets married it doesnt matter if i even like her- as long as my son is happy Ill be happy!!! I wont interfere in his life. I would do anything to make sure I see the babies!!!! Talk with her and see if u can come to an arrangement. If not then keep with your side of the family! Small kids ddo not need to be around people who r angry and say hurtful things about their parents! Good luck to u

Answer 9

Are you sure she only has one son......this sounds just like my mother-in-law. From the day I found out I was pregnant my MIL would start fights with my husband because as she said, "J is never going to let me see my grandchildren". I agree with you and understand. I do not like my MIL and I don't trust her. Plus my FIL is a very sick man so I do not know how she expects to take care of my sons and him. The one time I asked her to take my kids to pre-school, I found out that she used my car to drive 30 miles from my house in the a major storm to visit thier great grandmother who has dementia and does not even know who they are.
It was the same thing with the wedding. She was hurt because I did not let her help me pick out a dress. Maybe if she were nice, but also these things are very mother-daughter oriented.
Once her granddaughter was born, she lost all intrest in my boys. I got very lucky!

Answer 10

I think that how you get along with you mother-in-should have nothing to do with your children's relationship with her but because your mother is going to be around more they will know her better. But don't get it twisted it your husbands lack of wanting his mother around and how you feel about having her around that will dictate how much she is in there life and how close they are to her, not the fact that its the fathers side of the family.

Answer 11

I completely understand. I think the world of my husbands family, I knew all of them and hung around with them before I got married. It's not that I have anything against my in-laws, its just that I prefer my children to be around the same moral and character builders that I was around. Also I look at my husbands family and its the same way all of his sisters children are closer to them than to their husbands.

So rest assured its not just you.