My boyfriend of 6 months is moody and likes to be alone quite a bit. He has very little sex drive and tends to be very guarded and private about his life. I am his first gf in 5 years, his last relationship ended badly and he adamantly states that he does not want to get married or have kids. He rarely makes plans ahead of time and rarely wants to do anything in public except dine out. He will go to the occasional movie, etc. But he basically says this is how he is....I just wonder if there is something else wrong? HE treats me kindly when we are together and it's unlikely that he's cheating, any ideas? I'd like to help him if I can because he seems like he wants to be close but pulls back from me all the time.
2006-07-19 05:48:47 · 29 answers · asked by beautifully broken 3 in Health ➔ Mental Health
he had an awful childhood and an awful last relationship in his past. I don't necessarily want to change him, I just want to make sure I don't overlook something. It's very unlikely that he is on drugs or drinks. He does open up to me at times but when this happens, he pulls back for a few days..everytime we get close. And we only see each other 2 times a week b/c we are both busy with work, etc. However, all his free time is usually spent with me or working on his car (hobby) so I don't know what to think. I guess I was just wondering if it's me or if I should wait it out. I don't want to hang around if I am not wanted and I he seems like he wants to be different in the relationship dept. but he has also made it clear that he is perfectly happy being alone too. This confuses me (because he calls me and initiates seeing me as much as his schedule allows)
2006-07-19 06:03:06 · update #1
I am not a therapist but your bf needs one. There are a number of disorder's he "could" be suffering from. No therapy will work unless a change is wanted by the person afflicted. I think I remember you saying that you have discussed this and his answer was no. It sounds to me you are searching for much more in your relationship and you are not getting it now. If this is truly what you said than I would suggest you try communicating with him one more time. If there is no change I believe you are incompatible and you need to walk away. As long as he is comfortable with your present relationship and does not want ,or need to change, to use you; he probably won't. You sound like a caring concerned human being. You need more? You want more? Go and get it. I wish you well....
2006-07-20 03:25:43 · answer #1 · answered by nick w 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe that is just who he is and if you want to change it you aren't right for each other. If he seems happy to be this way then he isn't the one with the problem. ON the other hand if he seems unhappy with his life then perhaps he is depressed and needs professional help. Again the real question is.... Is he happy with the way his life is? IF he is and you aren't then the problem is yours not his.
Also hear what he is saying... He does not want kids or marriage. He is being clear about where he does not want your relationship to go. Don't hang around thinking he'll change his mind if those are things you really want, dont waste both of your time. If it is meant to be and you move on then he will change what he needs to change on his own to meet your needs as well as his. You can not force someone else to change they have to do it on their own.
2006-07-19 05:53:21 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hm, it seems like he might be just introverted, which is perfectly ok. However if how he is, is making him unhappy, it is possible that he is depressed or has social anxiety(judging by how you described him) In this case, perhaps he could talk to his doctor and try anti depressants or simply a change in lifestyle. Also, perhaps it is very difficult for him to open up and trust anybody, especialy considering that his last relatiosnhip eneded badly and he s very much against marriage and kids. I think that if you care deeply for him, you should be patient and gradually try to gain his trust completely so that he opens up and talks to you more about why he stays away from too much social life, and likes his alone time
2006-07-19 05:57:55 · answer #3 · answered by inDmood 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you happy with this guy?
Really happy?
I suggest that you write out ON PAPER the things that you want in a boyfriend and the things you absolutely won't stand for. For instance:
Must pay attention to me
Must have a job
Must have goals
Must be spontaneous
Must be passionate about life
Must e passionate about me, etc.
And the unacceptible stuff:
Must not use drugs
Must not be on parole
etc.
Then hold your boyfriend up to YOUR standards...if he weighs in and passes, then great, if not....dump him and find the guy who fits YOUR CRITERIA. Don't ever settle for less, ever!
Ever!
By the way, getting into a relationship with someone you think you want to help or to fix is a sure sign of codependency. A red flag to an unhealthy relationship. Check your signs.
Good luck and don't forget to never ever settle, ever.
2006-07-19 05:57:50 · answer #4 · answered by swankyandsweet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are with the wrong guy! He has no desire for a commitment -- EVER! He has told you that, and you need to believe him. You could get stuck with him for years, and he would still not commit. Do not even think that you can change him or his way of thinking. It doesn't happen!
There are plenty of great guys out here that would love to meet someone like you, and have no fear of commitment.
It works the same way the other way around. I recently dated a wonderful woman, but she kept missing her old boyfriend who also said he would never commit. They were dating for 12 years! She finally dumped him, but couldn't get over him, so now she is just wating for him to change his mind and take her back, with a commitment of marriage. It just won't happen!
Sorry to put it that way, but I don't want to see you throw years away, just to be broken-hearted. You seem to be too sweet to end up lonely after years of hoping.
Good luck!
2006-07-19 05:57:46 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
People are who they are. The odds of changing someone into a completely different person are extremely thin.
Successful relationships are built by either accepting the person for who they primarily are, or recognizing that the person isn't the right match for you. It sounds like, to me, that you would have to change this person too drastically to get him to be the boyfriend you truly want him to be. Maybe it's time to contemplate a different future?
2006-07-19 05:54:46 · answer #6 · answered by Farly the Seer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is he a little more energetic in the morning? If so, and if things that he did enjoy (hobbies, foods, sex, etc) are no longer appealing to him, he should see a physician for assessment re: depression. Depression will also keep him from getting close to someone.
2006-07-19 05:52:48 · answer #7 · answered by MN/TX RN 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It could be that he was abused in some way in his life time and it is coming out in such a way that he doesn't know how to deal with it or still does not recognize the problem. Ask him to consider the two of you going to a social worker qualified to talk this through. YOU CAN NOT FIX THIS ALONE.
Good Luck
2006-07-19 06:05:50 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure you aren't dating my ex-boyfriend? :-)
Well, it sounds very much like your boyfriend is depressed. He should talk to a doctor. I wish you luck. Oh, and if he is adamant about not wanting to get married or have children don't fight him on that. It won't be worth your time to fight him on this. Even if you win the fight you could end up with a husband who doesn't want to be married, and your children will have a father who doesn't want to be a father.
2006-07-19 05:56:10 · answer #9 · answered by SASQUAT 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask that he get checked for high insulin or low blood sugar. If he refuses to get a full physical examination including these and other blood tests, do it for yourself.
It sounds like he may have co-dependency problems and you may be his next "enabler".
2006-07-19 05:53:24 · answer #10 · answered by Pegasus90 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋