Am i protecting my children or making my mother suffer?

Question

my mum was real bad when i was a child, putting myself and my sister in the worst kind of danger. she has never made ammends and i prefer not to talk to her at all, however my children do want to see her, do i let them?

details- she allowed my sister and i to be abused by her dad. he is dead, i am sure she wouldnt do anything like that again as she was turning a blind eye to it rather than planning it with him. it happened to her when she was little too

Answer 1

Yeah sure. Just be around when you make both ends meet.

Answer 2

I think it's also important for you to decide. Do what you think is best for them and what you are also willing to accept for yourself. If deep within yourself you don't want her to see them, then don't. But perhaps you could approach your mother and offer her the chance to make things up to you for the past first. I really do think it's up to you - the children won't care either way and should she really be a force in their lives? You could be there to ensure nothing happens, but do you want that? Do you want to be around her? And can she do them any good? You matter too.

EDIT: someone else below has suggested your children will think bad of you for not letting them. I don't accept that. Sometimes people have horrible people in their families and they understand that their parents have their own relationships with people to work out or to leave alone. Young children will always side with their parents, what is more, over conflicts such as this - they love you. You know yourself how far that love can stretch even when it's not deserved by a parent. They also trust you to decide what's good for them.

Answer 3

You could always test the water with her first, and see where ur feet stand before u put ur children there. build a relationship with ur mum, and tell her how u feel, if she rejects this, then i would make a decision then, u know in ur heart of hearts what is right for u and ur children, note: u cant always protect them and they should be able to make their own mistakes and choices. while they are young, u have control!

good luck, i'm sure that u will decide on the right thing to do

Answer 4

As long as you can be certain that you are not punishing her by withholding your children from her for all the things she did, then it is really your call. If you are punishing her, its understandable, as she has never made amends or asked for forgiveness from you, and the child that is inside you still feels hurt, rejected confused and angry. It is really important, for both yourself and your children that you acknowledge the child within on this and make peace, only then can you reconcile that to the adult you have become. That's the first thing.

It is natural for a mother to protect her children from potential danger and harm, even though your primary rold model didn't do this for you, you have a clear sense of this yourself. You don't say what situations she put you in, but perhaps you could talk to your sister and she how she feels about it, whether or not she has children of her own. I also think it is important to be open (although age appropriate) with your children, they should know that she let you down and that because of this you prefer not to have any contact with her, and that you are naturally concerned for their safety and wellbeing, you should also impress upon them that if they still wish to see her, that you will not see it as them being disloyal to you, and that it is natural for them to want to see their grandmother. You don't need to tell them what she did, just say its between you and her, but that she did things that as a mother you wouldn't do to your children and you therefore have some concerns over their wellbeing and safety when they would be with her. If your sister sees her, maybe she could take the children on short visits and act as chaperone, though I think you would be the best person to do this. IT is worth pointing out that our parents are often more concerned with the safety and wellbeing of our offspring that they may have been with us when we were young, and therefore may not present the same dangers. Could also be that even though she hasn't sought forgiveness or made amends, that she has grown, learnt and changed. Only you will know. If you really consider her unsafe, then explain to your children that you do not trust her to look after them appropriately and until you can, they are best not having contact. Its such a tough call, only you and your sister, and of course your mother knows what went on and if there is any chance your children would be in any danger, so only you can decide. Also think ahead, if your mother were to die suddenly, would you regret, even slightly, that you hadn't at least given her the opportunity to make peace and to meet your children. If you would, then you should try to sort this out. Children have a remarkable way of healing rifts between people, watching our parents place the care and attention on our children that they should have placed on us, although painful and confusing at first, is remarkably healing and theraputic.

If you do decide to let them see her, they should be fully aware that they NEVER keep secrets from mummy, that they can tell you anything, and that if they feel unsafe in any way, they must let you know. That no trouble will arise from them telling you (children can feel terribly responsible when caught between conflicting adults) but that if they tell you, you can protect them, and that until a firmer relationship is established with their grandma, they should not expect too much, and be prepared to be let down and that should she attempt to mistreat them or reject them, that it is not their fault in any way, but is down to her insecurities and inadequacies. God Bless.

Answer 5

If you think it will be good for your children to meet her then let them.

BUT supervise it. If you can bare to be in the same room as your mum let her come to you or some neutral place.

I am so sorry for everything you suffered as a child and it is understandable you want to protect your children.

Answer 6

You could let them see her but make sure they is always someone else there you really have think about this one. Go over all the things she done to you in the past and make sure she does not do the same to your children cause if something does happen to them while they are with her you will never forgivr yourself.

Answer 7

Make amends? Have you been holding a grudge that requires a payback to you?

People change. Don't deprive your kids of the contact or they'll think their mum was petty and vindictive or some other invention they'll conjure up to explain why...

Get clarity in your relationships or else you risk creating more turmoil. When do you expect it will end?

Answer 8

And you see no problem subjecting your children to her WHY? It is your responsibility as a parent to protect them from danger. If your children wanted to smoke or drive a car would you let them? You are the adult , you make the decisions!

Answer 9

the question should be does she want to see them? if she does then maybe some short visits every now and then wouldn't hurt. maybe at some point she'll want to make amends. and you can put an end to the aches you have about the way she treated you and your sis. our kids never know the pains and troubles we have been through in our lives, and i don't feel that they should. but we shouldn't punish them for our unresolved issues. the greatest luck to you and your children.

Answer 10

God says if you forgive, then you will be forgiven. If you do not forgive, you will not be forgiven.

Of course your children need their grandma. Do it with strict supervised visits for short periods of time and leave if/when she acts in a way that is bad for your children.

If she does act in an unacceptable way, talk with her and tell her you will only bring them to her when it is a good visit. You may also need to eventually talk with your children, and explain that you all love your mother, but she has some problems. This is a wonderful time for them to find out what love is really all about.

If you can't forgive your mother, do it out of obedience to God first. Pray for him to put it in your heart. He will do it for you.

Answer 11

Of course you let them see her - just make sure you are around when she does. This will also make it easy on yourself. In spite the fact that you not really want to see her (I dont know what she did to you) you will be better off with a little contact with her. Rejectment is never really a good feeling.