My 20 year old daughter got arrested for shoplifting. What would you do?

Question

She has learning problems and just graduated from high school. She got caught by a store detective two years ago and promised me she would never do it again. She is in termoil as to what she wants to do with her life. I know she is confused about what to do in life but I don't want her to have problems with the law. I don't know how to help her. She has to go to court this time and will have a police record. I love her and want her to be sucessful. She is under house arrest and will not be seeing the friend she was with both times she was caught. She will have to get a job to pay restitutution and fines.

She says she has gone to school for so long and is frightened of her future. I think taking college courses in the fall will get her in with more driven people. The girl she got caught with is 17. Most of her friends are younger since she was in high school for 6 yrs. She needs to learn to drive so she can take herself to a job . She needs more mature friends. I appreciate all the advice I have gotten thanks.

Answer 1

It sounds like it's all laid out as to what she has to do: "She will have to get a job to pay restitutution and fines." Sometimes you have to let them learn their lessons themselves. Learning problems aren't the same as poor judgement problems. She made poor decisions and at her age must learn the consequences of her decisions. If you continue to "rescue" her, she won't learn the full impact of her decisions, and the difference between right and wrong. Let her be responsible for her own actions. I know you love her, but if you want the behavior to change, you have to let her learn that her actions have consequences.

Answer 2

I won't presume to tell you what you should do. I will, though, share with you a similar experience. About a year and a half ago, my daughter, age 19 at the time, was arrested for possession of marijuana. She called me from the county jail, and I immediately went down and paid her bail. I then hired and paid for her a lawyer, saw her through the trial, paid her court costs and fine, and paid the fees to the probation office to she wouldn't have to stay in jail. The whole tab was just under $6,000.00 and she didn't learn the first damn thing from the experience. If I had it to over, I would leave her in the poky and let her fend for herself. The only bright spot is that she did get off with a deferred sentence, which means that once her probation is over her record can be expunged (if I hire another attorney to file the paperwork). Something that probably wouldn't have happened had she been left to depend on a public defender.

Again, that's no recommendation for what you should do, but rather a reflection of what happened to me. Good luck.

Answer 3

Shoplifting is the symptom, not the problem. Find out what the problem is. (It is NOT the learning problems...unless she doesn't know right from wrong and is on a 4 year olds level.) Counseling is a must in this situation. (Notice I said counseling and not heavy medications to only further cover up the symptoms.) Help her before she gets older. Notice I didn't say be a crutch...just get her help and then she will have to do it on her own. She might just be one that needs to fall to pick herself back up. But the worst thing you can do is think that shoplifting is the problem. Just because that is her cry for attention or what she does to act out doesn't mean that is the part that needs help. Just think of it this way, if she had a knife stuck in her stomach, would you spend all day giving her tylenol for the pain or would you go to the doctor and have it taken out and healed? No problem = no symptoms.

Answer 4

At 20 years old she should have already had a job and been out the house. My rule is, at 18 you can live with me or you can be on your own. You can live with me if you 1) Are a full-time student in good standing with a 2.5 GPA or above, 2) Are a full-time worker paying rent which is exactly 1/3 of the mortgage payment. If you are on your own, your problems are your problems, just don't bring them to my house and we will be fine. My son has ADD, ADHD, and below level intelligence. Still, the rules apply at 18.

Answer 5

Tell her to stand in front of the mirror and look at her self for a few minutes. Then have her sit at a table with two pieces of paper. On one paper have her write what she sees in the mirror, good and bad. On the other paper have her write what she wants out of life, even if it seems silly. Whether it be a car, a job, whatever. Then let her talk to you about what she wrote. Tell her that you want to support her decisions and want her to make the right decisions. She should always confide freely in you before she makes her decisions. Tell her that honesty is always the best policy. The only way you can help her is if she will open up to you and tell you all her fears and wants. Reasure her that you will always be there for her but you can not make her decisions for her, all you can do is guide her based on your lifes lessons. If she is unwilling to talk freely with you, find someone that she can confide in that will listen and offer advice, someone she can trust with her secrets.

Answer 6

i suggest that you ask the judge/magistrate to require her to stand in front of the establishment she stole from during the busy period holding a sign stating "i shoplifted from this merchant" and that she be required to do it for two hours a day for a week, along with the required restitution and fines and police record. but i would also ask the judge for a measure of mercy, too, if she is developmentally disabled, that if your daughter stays "clean" for 2 years, that her record be sealed or expunged, but if she can't that she be "scared straight" by being taken through the booking process so that it looks to her like she is going to do jail time.

i do understand, however, that you love your daughter and want her to be successful in life...but a life of shoplifting is not the way to achieve that

Answer 7

Learning problems..??? that's no excuse for stealing...

The job is the most important thing she can do right now....
Counseling will help....
She needs to be kept busy....and start taking control of her own life. It really doesn't matter if she knows what she wants from life or not...Life just is...You have to keep on moving...she should move out of your house and begin to be the adult she already is.....IT'S not your responsibility anymore......if you stay involved you will get hurt...

Answer 8

your duaghter is 20 and doesnt have a job? she is running with the wrong crowd and now is goint have a criminal record...not to sound mean but it's time to cut the apron strings and let her make her own mistakes. is her learning disabilities are that severe that she cant make sound descions about right and wrong then she needs specalized help..but to me it sounds like she is being coddled and needs a rude reality check perhaps in the form of jail time or community service.

Answer 9

Is she actually developmentally disabled? Because it's my understanding that in that case, she'd be treated like a child in court.

If not, she can always leave your house of her own free will, and see whoever she wants, too. (But you can make not seeing someone or racking up any more convictions a condition of staying with you, too, especially if you write up a contract.) She needs to face her responsibility in court as well, and to pay it back.

Answer 10

This is a quote from what you wrote "she will not be seeing the friend she was with both times she was caught". Hmmm, maybe she needs to stop hanging out with that friend. There's a start!