why did my mum do that?

Question

when i was about 5 or 6 years old, i was sexually abused by my mums brother. i kept the secret until i was sixteen, i never told anyone because i was scared my dad would kill him, and end up in jail. Firstly my mum never believed me, she also didnt tell my dad and she still visits her brother and has never even mentioned it to him(even though she now believes me that it happened). She also speaks about him in front of me as if nothing had ever taken place. I have to say that she told me i should never mention it to the family because they probably wouldnt believe me. He was only about 17 when it happened so am i in the wrong for feeling like i dont care what he is doing with his life right now? I dont hate him i just feel like i have been made to look in the wrong. i am 28 now and i feel like i never had the innocence my children have now. Is it possible to forgive someone without wanting to be "friends" with them?

i cant tell my dad now, he died when i was 20

Answer 1

I am sorry for you pain that you have to bear. You should forgive your uncle and your mother. Not because they deserve it because they don't. You should do so for your sanity. Guilt consumes us and eats away. You have probably been struggling for many years.
I don't think you need worry about the friendship at all. I don't think for one minute God would expect you to trust your uncle ever again. Regarding your mother, maybe you should sit and talk to her if you haven't already. Ask her why she wouldn't listen to you. Ask her why she doesn't talk to her brother about what happened.
Can I make a suggestion and I know that I'm possibly wrong, but its worth considering. Has your mother been abused too? Even your uncle. I know that this could be along shot, but it might be worth investigating.

You are a special person and loved by God more than you can ever imagine. Talk to him about your feelings and trust that he can help you.

peace to you

Answer 2

Your Mother is in the wrong. This happened to you and it is a horrible thing and shouldn't be kept a secert. Why should it be a secert, because of embarassment to the family. I don't think so!

The family should know what this slime did to to you. It doesn't matter if the family believes you or not. What matters is that there told and they can make a decesion if they want their childern alone with him.

If they don't understand why you kept it a secert then don't worry about that. It is quite simple. As a 5 year old child I am sure somehow he had you convinced your Dad would go to jail if you told. What child wants to lose their Dad. Also I am sure after awhile it was more of a nobody will believe me, which was partly conditioned by your mother.

I have taken lots of psychology classes and criminal justice classes. One of the things I learned was it was extremely difficult and almost impossible to get a child molester to stop.

So in the best interest in all the childern in your family and extended family is to let people know. This will protect others and perhaps others may speak out. (who knows who else he has tortured) Also, hopefully this will give you some closure and gratification.

It is possible to forgive yet not forget. There is no reason for you to care what is going on in his life. No need to be his friend.

As far as your mom talking about him in front you, leave the room. If she asks you why just tell her you don't need the filth of his name imprinted in your head.

I am so sorry this has happend to you and I hope that you can cope with it and not let him effect the rest of your life. I have no idea how it feels but I do know that it must be hell for you.

Best of luck to you

Answer 3

You are right...
Your Mom's brother had done a wrong thing and your Mom also has done a wrong thing..
Your Mom acted like that probabaly due to.
1) She fears your Dad may harm her brother.
2) She also has faced similar problem in childhood.(maybe by someone elder in the family or it is there a family history of abuse and violance and she does not want any reaction)
3) There is a difference of age between her and brother so she looks at him more like a son and is overlooking the fact.

The fact is the incidance is very old...(20 Years ago)..so it is now not very appropriate to tell evryone and make an issue out of it.
at the same time just ignore the person and make it very clear to your Mom that you hate him for the reason and she should communicate it to him. If she cannot do you do it once.

Answer 4

You're not the first or the last to have such thing happen. Now that you're married and with children you must ask yourself rationally: what will happen if I disclose old skeletons in the closet? Your mother's brother should have been punished for molesting you when you were a child but that didn't happen and he remains at large unpunished which is wrong, but on the other hand opening new wounds won't help or solve the problem and would create sensitivities inside your family. Let bygones be bygones and if you want some "psychological" revenge you can confront the culprit, remind him of his filthy deed and threaten him with exposure to his wife and children (if any) or to the family and public. Just a threat that'll make a part of him die like what happened to you and perhaps that would gratify you.

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you and I'm sorry that you have never received the support that you needed and deserved. Why don't you talk over this matter with a counsellor and decide what you want to do next. You could report your uncle to the police, or discuss the matter with other members of your family. You might even decide that you want to confront your uncle.

If there are other children that are coming in contact with him, maybe other nieces, nephews, cousins or even his own sons and daughters then I think you need to let everyone know that he is a child molester. Future generations of children should not suffer the same abuse that you did.

You can speak to the Samaratans or other support groups, your doctor could put you in touch with a counselling service.

Unfortunately, at 17 years old your uncle was an adult and if he had paedophile tendencies then, I doubt that these have gone.

I think you are very brave for posting this question. Good luck.

Answer 6

You could never forgive someone that has ripped your innocence away. Your mum is just in denial about it all but it is rude of her to mention him to you as if it is all okay after the fact that she believed you (which is very offensive that she didn't in the first place). This man was seventeen and know right from wrong when he did this to you, there is no excuse for him. You have to talk about this with the rest of the family and a professional to alleviate your pain. I admire you because you state you don't hate this person, that shows that you are a very strong person. One last thing, you are in all your right to feel upset with your mum because with her not believing something as serious as that from you it does make one think who she is really blaming. I am so sorry your mum is acting like this, I wish I had the proper words to console you.

Answer 7

This was a horrendous thing your uncle did to you.

Not only does it affect you, but it affects every other person in your family because his assault upon you shakes the very foundations of family---in addition to shaking your very foundations.

It is clear that your mother does not want to deal with this--for whatever reason. Such reasons might include not wanting to disrupt the family, feeling something so long ago should be considered bygone, not seeing that anything short of actgual rape counts as sexual.....there are other possible reasons, too.

You're 28 now. It is clear that you are on your own with this. A professional therapist might help you--not that you are ill, but that you might learn what others in your situation have done to cope.

Your mother might have told you not to tell your dad but now you are no longer a child but an adult---you can decide whether to tell your dad what is your secret. Do what is best for you. It seems you need some recognition that you were wronged.

Deciding to put your uncle out of your life entirely would entail your missing out on family get-togethers----and just why should you pay the cost of his transgression?

You could confront him in front of the family. That has its risks---some might side with him.

It comes down to forgiveness at some level---and there are various levels of forgiveness. I think you would betray yourself if you forgave him too deeply---i.e. became friends with him as if nothing had happened. For one thing, you would be folly to leave your children with your uncle in their presence.

Perhaps see your way to forgiving to the level of interacting in a civil (but not cordial manner) during family get-togethers as if he were another guest who just happened to be there.

And you will have to accommodate this business of your childhood innocence. Here a therapist might be helpful in communicating the best answers other victims have discovered.

Sorry this was so long but I hope it's helpful.

Answer 8

I think that your feelings are entirely justified and I am sure that you feel robbed of something very important.

If you wish to forgive him, that would be very strong of you, I don't know that i could, and personally I could not be friends with someone like that or have any feelings for them.

However, this was 22 years ago and the fact that this is still an issue to you must concern you. There is an expression - my past life events only have an effect on me because I give them power.

Consider if you are enabling these appalling events to remain a powerful factor in your life - can you rise above them, never forget, just treat them as the despicable acts of a foolish youth

Answer 9

How awful for you to have gone through this and not had the support you needed when you were brave enough to tell someone. Your mum is in the wrong just as much as her brother is. She obviously cannot deal with this herself, but, hiding her head in the sand is not the thing to do. You need to tell you dad whatever the consequences because they all need to know why you don`t want anything to do with this paedophile weather he was 17 or not!!!! Feelings will just fester if you don`t deal with this, look how you feel now at the age of 28. please talk to someone about this, I work with girls who have similar stories emotions come out in different ways until there dealt with and I can tell you they all felt better and wished they had done it sooner. Well done to you for forgiving him it takes a special person to do that... all the love in the world to you x

Answer 10

i feel 4 u, i have a friend who was abused and not believed, she now does not have any contact with the person or her mum, i think u should do what u feel is right 4 u, in this situation u have got do do what ever u feel, good on u for moving on with your life, u should not care what he is doing though, he is wrong not u, and i do not believe u could be friends with him because of memories, if u have the courage tell all and let everyone know how discusting this man is, people who really care and no u will believe u. anyone else does not matter, u r inoccent in this.