The best joke given to me gets 10 points!?

Question

You can give me as many as you like!

Answer 1

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Answer 2

Frog And Golf
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Answer 3

Okay so one day Tarzan is swinging through the jungle, when he slips. He smashes into a huge tree and he loses an arm an eye and his D1ck.
He manages to pick himself up and make it to the hospital. The only hospital in the jungle is a vet clinic. The woman at the vet clinic sees him walk in and rushes him to the emergency room. She shows him what organs she has that could be used to fix him, on the dish she had a gorilla's arm, and eagle's eye, and an elephant trunk. Tarzan tells her to stitch him up..........
Once the surgery is complete she tells him to go out and do what he would normally do, then come back in a week to see how everything is healing up.
So, he leaves and a week later he returns........
The nurse sits him down and with her checklist in hand begins to ask him questions
"how is the arm working?" she asks

"Really good" says Tarzan, "It is so much stronger than my other one, I can reach for fruit better and I can swing better now."

"How is the eye?" she asks

"oh its great, I can see so much further now, everyhting is much clearer"

Good, she says, so hows the elephant trunk???

"oh I cant really complain about the size, the women love it, but there is only one problem, everytime I walk along the trail, it picks up peanuts and shoves them up my a s s!!!!!!

hahahaha lol I love that one! please pick me, it took about 10 minutes just to write this joke haha

Answer 4

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Answer 5

i have a practical joke that is still ongoing with my little girl. she is almost 9 and she loves to play jokes on people, so my husband and i played one on her. my husband has a few scars on his belly and my daughter asked him what they were from. he told her that the scars were from when he had her. he said "i was pregnant with you, you were one of 50 experiments that year." i said " yes, why do you think you have to go to the DR all the time and take medicine everyday. it is so they can keep an eye on you and keep you living." (she takes the meds for asthma) then i said " they made a movie about this experiment i will get it for you so you can watch it then you will understand everything" so i rented Junior. she watched it, and now she tells everyone that her dad had her. we have the whole thing on tape and will show it to her when she is older. until then the thinks she is a star celebrity! and she is still doing practical jokes!!

Answer 6

A Little boy goes to school one day and the teacher tells him that the next day they need to present something to the class that is just amazing. So the next day the boy returns to school and when it is his turn to present something to the class he simply goes to the board and puts a dot on it. The teacher then asks what it is. The boy replies that it is a period. The teacher asks what is so amazing about a period. the boy replies " Hell if know but my sister was missing hers this morning and my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy across the street shot himself."

Answer 7

Pinch My Nipples

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
and in doing so, draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Answer 8

A small girl walks in on her parents having sex, curious at what they are doing she asks her mum what she is doing to her Dad, Her mum replies, I'm just letting the air out of Daddy'. The small girl then replies Why, the woman next door will only blow him up again'

Answer 9

First I would just like to say that Dangerous Beauty is the coolest. I would also like to thank her for giving me this chance.

Anyway...

36 Things We Learn From Movies

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


okay that was not my joke, I just had to share it.

Anyway...

Three men walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have seen it. puh pich boof

Answer 10

3 old women who were sisters all shared a house together. One day the youngest sister went to take a bath and stepped into the water, she turned around to get something and when she turned back she couldn't remember whether she was getting in or getting out. She called for the middle sister to help her, and the middle sister said I'm coming! Hallway up the steps she paused for a moment to catch her breath, and then she couldn't remember WHY she was even going upstairs. She called for her oldest sister to ask her if she knew, and the oldest sister said, "you were going upstairs to help Violet, remember"? "Oh, yeah, now I remember", the middle sister replied, as she continued up the steps. The oldest sister just sat at the kitchen table thinking to herself, wow, I'm glad I'm not as messed up as those two, and she knocked on wood. She then got up and headed towards the door, wondering who on earth could be knocking at this time of night! :)


Heres another-
An old lady went outside and got into her car. She freaked out when she noticed that her steering wheel was gone, and so was her dashboard, radio, and gas and brake pedals. She used her cell phone to call 911 and told them that she had been robbed. The dispatcher stated that it was very unusual to hear about this kind of robbery, but that an officer was on his way. Once he got there, he phoned back into the precinct stating, "false alarm, she just got into the back seat of her car!"

And last but not least
An old lady was sitting at home watching television when a breaking news story came up across the screen. There was a car moving at about 10mph on interstate 95 headed in the wrong direction, directly into oncoming traffic! Horrified because her husband was at that very moment driving on that same exact highway, she called him on his cell to warn him of the idiot who was driving like a turtle towards oncoming traffic. He answered the phone, and after she told him he replied, "honey, it's not just one car driving the wrong way, but HUNDREDS of cars driving the wrong way, can you believe it?"
LOL, I hope that these made you laugh, I know they make me laugh everytime I tell them!:)